what is real (october 7)

mirror self-portrait (straight out of the camera) . frog creek lodge

one year later.

after everyone had gone to bed friday night, i stood in front of the mirror and couldn't help but smile wide at this girl i saw before me. she looked lighter and maybe even more real. and she looked beautiful.

these are the thoughts that went through my head: this is why i choose to seek the joy. this is why i let laughter in. this is why i know that all you need is love. this is why. this face of light and love is why.

hello you. hello me. it is so good to see you.

one year later.

yes.

*****

::what is real:: is a mirror self-portrait photo + a few words series that began in july of 2010. during the last year, i have noticed that the act of taking these photos feels like a meditation practice. before i take the photo, i stand in front of the mirror and think about what is real in this moment and let my face relax to wherever that truth lies. then i snap.

i document the series over on flickr but share them here from time to time.

what is real (september 15)

you are doing it.
all of it.
you are stumbling
and laughing
and learning
and opening your heart more each day.
you are finding a rhythm.
you are remembering to breathe deeply
and sit inside truth and feelings and hope.
you are exactly where you need to be.

*****

::what is real:: is a mirror self-portrait photo + a few words series that began in july of 2010. the series started the first night jon and i slept for a few hours at the tree house while ellie was in the PICU. when i was by myself in that room for a few minutes, i turned and saw my reflection in the mirror in the room and had an urge to document the real face of that moment in my journey. looking back, i realize i wanted to feel seen by someone, and it turned out that being seen by myself was like a hand i could hold. 

as i continue to take these photos, i have noticed that the act of taking them feels like a meditation practice. before i take the photo, i stand in front of the mirror and think about what is real in this moment and let my face relax to wherever that truth lies. then i snap.

i document the series over on flickr but share them here from time to time.

an evening...

what is real (march 8)

it was a day.

one of those.

one part beauty and one part oh my god how did i get here with a dash of just do it girl.

i changed out of pajamas by 10.

so that felt like perfection.

by 10:15 i had apples+sweet potatoes sweetly kissed (ahem) in various spots of my shirt + purple dress i had put over my yoga pants to feel like i was actually dressed like i might leave the house.

one piece of toast eaten was at some point.

thank god it had peanut butter on it as it ended up needing to last me until jon brought something home around 4:30.

in the midst of that there was an answer from the universe disguised as a (thank you for you) phone call with a friend.

and a nap was taken by someone other than me.

a short nap.

a seriously girl you have got to be kidding me short nap.

and a dog breathed her is that really your breath breath in my face while seeking attention.

i let her kiss me.

i think she was after the apples+sweet potatoes.

somewhere in there i began to dream about going to a bookstore and out to dinner.

but the i think i will be fussies arrived in full swing. 

the maybe i am just gonna go ahead and get two more teeth fussies.

or perhaps it is the i am just not feeling happy fussies.

hopefully it isn't the i feel a cold coming adventure.

so i found myself just holding on.

the to do list as always tapping at the corner of my mind while i sang about rainbows and changed the words to several songs while playing peekaboo.

a lunch/early dinner arrived via jon.

and i found myself saying maybe i could just run over to the bookstore.

after you eat.

just me.

okay was the reply.

a change of clothes.

a decision that three-day-old dirty hair actually starts looking good on the eve of day four.

add boots.

gotta have them boots.

plus the happy yellow purse.

and into the car i went.

alone.

a.l.o.n.e.

i sang loudly as i crossed the bridge with the sun almost setting and the olympic mountains peeking through the clouds.

loudly.

"and i'm gonna drive thru the hills with my hand out the window and sing till i run out of words."*

then wandered and gathered goodness at the bookstore.

so. much. goodness.

including two more notebooks because we all agree i need more of those.

then had the reminder that bad customer service in adorable children's stores always helps me save my money.

(guess she missed the boots.)

and then a call from home.

all was okay in the way it is when someone knows you need a deep breath but has a question.

do you need me to come home?

we are okay the response.

so maybe i will try that wine bar flitted through my mind.

one glass and time with some new to me sharon olds and an at the ready notebook.

and then i looked across the parking lot and said out loud or i could go to a movie.

(right now)

totally alone.

immersed in something other than all that must get done or those who need me for almost two hours.

alone.

i actually felt my heart quicken.

totally alone.

another call.

just text if you need me.

within minutes a moment to myself in the bathroom where i looked in the mirror and laughed because i felt like i was playing hooky for the first time ever.

in my whole life.

the good girl playing hooky.

with a side of popcorn+frozen coke+darkness+a row to myself+silly previews+johnny depp.

on the way home, i turned the dial up even more.

"and i'm gonna drive to the ocean, go skinny dipping, blow kisses to venus and mars."*

yes.

(soon.)

*from "wedding day" by rosie thomas

what is real (january 10)

this is the face of a woman who has been given permission to close the notebook that houses almost every feeding from her child's birth until this morning. (seven months of keeping data.)

as she heals and her body lives with all that is, i am pressing and sewing and taping and gluing hope and light and truth and letting go and love and forgiveness into all the cracks.

("what is real" is a series of photos i began taking in july of 2010. read a bit more about this series here. see more photos from this series over on flickr here.)

all you need...

what is real, september 2

when i walked up to my grandmother and stared at her, willing her to breathe, i felt my heart break. and in that moment, i thought "this is what it means to love." holding ellie tonight, watching her chest move up and down, knowing that a surgeon i have not yet met will more than likely be cracking that chest open in a few weeks, that phrase kept turning around in my mind. the idea of a piece of one's heart breaking off being what forces us to understand what love really is. i have been singing that last few lines of "all you need is love" over and over these last few weeks. you know that part when paul, or is it john, repeats "love is all you need. love is all you need." and someone sings, "she loves you, yeah yeah yeah..." and i think there is a yee-haw involved. i have always loved that last part as it feels so impromptu, like the boys were just having fun. yes. love is all you need. and i don't mean it in a simple rose-colored glasses way. no. i mean it in a standing in front of your grandmother in a funeral home and realizing she loved you and you loved her in an imperfect beautiful and i am going to miss you every day for the rest of my life sort of way. i mean it in a holding the space for a friend while she shares her story and then saying, "what do you need in this moment?" sort of way. i mean it in a reaching for your partner's hand in the middle of the night after you had such a horrible fight sort of way. i mean it in a watching your child breathe and knowing you don't want to be anywhere else sort of way. i mean it in a hearing your golden retriever sigh after a long good day of simple living sort of way. i mean it in a standing face to face with yourself and looking in the mirror and choosing a soft gaze of acceptance sort of way. yes. as you walk on your path and hope upon hope that you will find your way. as you stand in this moment and think about what you know to be true. i believe that the one thing we need to carry in the pocket of our heart is the trust and faith and grace that is love. the guts of life. yes. this is what love is. love for ourselves. for the ones who rest inside our hearts. for all of it.

*****

for the last few days, i have been trying out 750words.com. a space to write "morning pages" of sorts. i kind of love it. the above was a paragraph of freewriting i did tonight and i decided to just share it here. because it is how things are in this moment in my corner of it all...