the stories...

 

a new (whispered) soul mantra in my little shop

last sunday, a dear friend was visiting and we were talking about how much has changed for me during these last almost six years of living in the pacific northwest. she has known me since i was 14, and then we were colleagues in my job at the boarding school back in indiana. she knows that i was not my most happy, real self while in that job. she asked me about what changed when moving here.

being in a new place was a big piece as i tried to find my way...but part of this internal awakening came as i sifted through the grief that came into my life about nine months after we moved when my grandmother died on the heels of my first golden, Traveler, dying of cancer. my heart cracked open as it seemed to break in two when i found myself in a funeral home in south carolina facing the truth of this first walk into deep grief. last sunday, i said to my friend, "i learned what love really felt like in that moment." we talked about the relationship that i had with my grandmother and how she really did have such a challenge showing those she loved that she loved them, yet she found her way to show me. i know that her love shaped me so much as a person, yet i am saddened that, from my perspective...based on the stories shared with me, she did not often find her way to show this side of herself to others in her family.

i said something to my friend about now i find myself pulled to tell her story...to tell the stories of all the women who came before me. and, at this point at least, i don't mean the details of their stories...i don't mean the specifics of a family's journey. no. i mean that as i share my story...here, with my friends, at retreats, in my book, through the art i create...as i share my story i am telling their stories because they live in me. literally. they live within me. and as i walk in this life, i am the proof of their love...my mother's, my grandmother's, her mother's, and so on...i am the gift of the love they opened up to in their life...even if just for a moment. and i am here to tell their stories as i walk on this path.

these days...

a couple of images from a little self-portrait session i did in a peek of sun earlier this week

these days i am...

writing . finishing the last chapter and other parts of the book. my editor's endless patience has been quite the gift during these weeks of trying to be creative with writing, photography, working in the studio while doing perhaps the most creative thing i have ever done (grow a human being). i am behind. but i am getting it done. and it feels like these words i am writing on the page are appearing exactly as they need to.

seeing . the elves were here again (in the form of my mom and steve) and we have unearthed more corners of our home so that it feels more like a true home and not a gathering place for stuff. we have more light, more room, and just the push we needed to keep it a bit neater on a day to day basis. my heart feels so much lighter each time jon and i work together to clean up after dinner, do the laundry, and so on...and most importantly, sit at the table together for meals.

gathering . little pieces of this and that to turn a guest room into the room where the new member of our family will live. there is a crib and a happy chandelier and a few bits of pink and purple. in the little room, i have begun gathering some bits to create the prayer flags that will hang above her and welcome her into the rhythms and love of our world.

listening . i have been sitting in the quiet to hear the wisdom within me. a humming meditation and toning in the shower are pushing me to remember my grounded true self. 

adventuring . just finished rereading about magpie's adventures in dreamdark and am ordering the next one. i just love that laini has given us a standing tall in her place in this world heroine that i can't wait for my daughter to meet one day as she turns the pages while on her own reading adventure.

seeking . today, i started reading birthing from within. there have been a few somewhat interesting experiences while having ultrasounds and appointments during this growing a human being time and there is the very slight chance i might have a scheduled c-section. i came close to pitching a tent in the land of uncertainty, especially when i didn't feel like i was being given clear information. but, i am now pushing myself toward being planted in the world of feeling strong in my body, heart, and mind as i see the third trimester of this adventure on the horizon. it is good.

dancing . little breaks to get this body moving have been such a good thing on these grey days. millie, baby bean, and i enjoy michael franti on repeat (dare you to sit still). and really i just can't get enough of joshua radin. 

knowing . a group of women has surrounded me during the last few months with their wisdom. with their words of "i am right here next to you. cry as long as you need to" when i thought a dream was dying. with their pushing me to see the truth when i felt like someone had peeked inside my idea journal and torn out every page. with their gentle answers to my many mama questions. with their loud, real laughter. with their brainstorming. with their reminders. with their truth. with their love. and i sit here knowing this truth, this truth that i am not alone, and my heart fills with this truth and i know i am blessed.

and you? what have you been experiencing these days? i would love to know... 

the random thoughts of the last few minutes

strawberries + cream. what more could a girl want really?

today has been too quiet. 

i wrote a rambling complaining sort of a paragraph here and deleted it.

i keep humming "hallelujah" after hearing it on the "hope for haiti" special tonight.

sometimes i wish i could flip a switch and cause my mind to simply settle in for a nap.

when the baby moves, sometimes i feel like she is pulling right on my heart.

sometimes i forget i am pregnant and then the baby will move and for split second i wonder why i am having such odd indigestion.

having a clean house is really the best thing ever.

i wish i could wave a magic wand and all would be okay.

there are still some strawberries and cream in the fridge from last night and i might go have some right now.

though i kind of want a chocolate milk shake.

i wish you were here. 

i hope i am going to be a good mom.

i am taking another breath right now.

and another.

i am trusting in what i know.

i am terrified.

i hope we have blue sky again tomorrow and if we do, i promise to leave the house.

millie is just staring at the door waiting for jon to get home.

may (only) sweet dreams visit you (and me) tonight.

PS more information about the week of pink (that i mentioned in the previous post) to come this weekend. i am thinking photos, stories, whatever you want to share. will post more thoughts soon.

december (views) 8

 

a perfect evening snack (and newly made for me by me arm warmers), december views

december (views) 2

 

an afternoon excursion for one, december views

*****

today was a very good day.

energy arrived like a gift.

hope it sticks around for a bit...

i even reopened my shop and filled it with color.full patchworked cozy scarves and a few new soul mantra designs (including om, unearth, and hope).

and i am even beginning to feel excitement about the holidays...

hoping your world is full of bits of bright.ness and joy...