saturday, jon got me out of the house for a bit. a short trip to point defiance park to get outside into the fresh air. even though we weren't there for very long, it was much needed. hopefully many a summer afternoon will be spent just like this...though maybe with a picnic and a stack of books and a journal or two and fresh markers and how the list goes on...
i am still sick. the weekend was filled with steam showers and lots of hot drinks and frequent use of the inhalers and making my way through season three of the west wing and reading my way through the harry potter series yet again...
and here is where is want to write something wise. i want to write about how i am finding answers in the all this quiet. about how my heart feels open as the sun shines in through the blinds and my mind is so full of ideas that i am dancing my favorite dance inside possibility. but, the truth is, my grandpa died two months ago and i am very sad about it. i am sad that i will never again visit the house where my grandparents lived. i am sad that they aren't going to show up and take me to the beach as the antidote to this illness as they did almost thirty years ago when i had a neverending bout of bronchitis. i am sad that i didn't get to my grandfather's side before he died. i am sad that there seems to be some kind of belief that a person shouldn't grieve deeply for grandparents...that a person should get "over" a death and "move on," especially when the person who died was "old." i would love to write something that might inspire but the truth is my head is throbbing as my brain seems to rattle each time i cough today and i just want to crawl back into bed. but i can't sleep because i keep coughing (not to mention i need to work).
i guess this is why i haven't been showing up here as much as i want to. i am trying so hard to push away the negative as i am on the cusp of a major pity party and i know it. even though there are also some really good things going on in my world that i look forward to sharing on another day, i am on the cusp of giving into the tears. but if i start crying, i won't be able to breathe. i know this is true. for a while now, when a thought comes up about my grandparents, i actually imagine pulling it out of my mind like dumbledore pulls out a memory in the world of harry potter...i imagine pulling it out and putting it into a box. i don't have the energy to grieve. does that make sense? i don't have the energy to give into the need for a good cry. i won't be able to breathe. and, these last two plus weeks have taught me that i really really need to be able to breathe.
(insert deep breath)
thanks for letting me ramble. it feels a bit like i just want someone to know where i am in this moment. so here i am, letting you know. and maybe i will come back tomorrow and let you know again. and the next day. because i think there is some comfort in knowing that someone knows a little piece of where i am.
i am okay. yes, i know this is true. i am okay. this is life. this is what it is. breathe in. breathe out. this is how we become.
(oh and i am behind on emails and returning phone calls and other good stuff. because of the coughing and asthma-like spells i am having, talking on the phone just isn't really possible right now. as much as i would so like to catch up with people on the phone, especially because i spend so much darn time alone, i am mostly trying to just be quiet. my etsy shop is open with a few happy summery necklaces, but i am not making any new soul mantra necklaces or any new fabric items at this time. hopefully soon i will be back in my studio sewing and hammering away. thanks for understanding.)
cooling off in the evening during the heat of last week . back porch, july 2009
this is me 
