fear.less

our friends' new puppy sydney . february 2009

On Friday evening, Jon and I spent time with some dear friends and their puppy. It was so refreshing to be around that bundle of energy and to watch the curiosity with which he explored and took in the world around him.

I took several photos of him, and although this one might not be the best in the "true" sense of what the best might mean to some, I love how it captures the fearlessness as he jumped up and put his paws on my knees so he could balance while investigating the camera in front of my face. And although his eyes might almost appear sad to some, what you don't see is the smile that I observed as he tried to figure it out what the heck I was doing with that big thing that made funny noises and flashed.

Our dog, Millie, tends to look at me with a "you've got to be kidding, that thing again; I hate that thing" look on her face when I try to take her photo. Most photos of her I have shared are the best one of lots and lots and lots taken trying to get her to look my way. She hates the camera. There is no need to check out what it is as she seems to feel about it the same way she feels about the vacuum. She is clearly pretty overwhelmed by the vacuum, but because being around her person makes her feel the safest, she experiences a major conundrum during any cleaning around here: how to stay right next to the very source of safety that is moving the very thing she fears toward her.

Writing that, I can't help but look up at her in this moment and say, "I totally get you kid."

It is funny how we stick with what isn't working because it feels safe...because it feels like we are not in control, even though all we would have to do to take control is walk out of the room. But we don't because sometimes it seems easier to just do what we know.

During the last few weeks, I have been honest with myself about a few things that haven't been working. Oh, I guess I have been "honest" in the past, but I hadn't done anything about them. However, something shifted. Something shifted through truth and love in my life.

I have removed the blinders that I have been wearing on and off for a while now. Putting them on each morning had become a habit. I would put them on just after I would get up so that I didn't have to really take in how our house was more mess than home or the nest I so wanted it to be. I would put on the blinders so that I could get through another day spent entirely in this house as I work from here and live here.

The shift of realizing that the amount of energy I was spending in self-loathing about the mess and the blinders and the way they both were hindering many creative dreams I have and that Jon and I have together...in realizing this...momentum began to build. I started to be honest with myself in a new way. This new energy has begun to birth several unexpected shifts.

A sense of fearlessness has taken over...a sense of "why wait?" And a sense of deep understanding that I can do more than I ever thought I could do.

Our home is still a bit messy, but in that lived in sort of way. There are still things that need to be done, but no blinders are needed. I feel a new peace inside me. We are in the process of making our home feel like a nest, a retreat for us and anyone who comes to visit. My studio space, the (new) little room, is beautiful and light-filled. Many creative dreams are hatching in this space...one of which I plan to share tomorrow.

Moving into fearlessness...into light...into possibility with more than just words...
I am moving into fearlessnes, light, and possibility with actions, with beliefs, with confidence, with a deep knowledge of my truth.
Yes.
This is where I am today.

Where are you?

full.

i am so full.
i am so full of hope and possibility.

when life is good, even for just a moment, it might seem easy to just rest inside these feelings.

but even in the midst of the stuff that might not be so great...the hard stuff...the heavy lifting that makes up this life. even in the midst of that, i find myself returning to hope and possibility.

i find myself resting inside it with each breath.

i find myself returning to the belief that we are in control of how we walk in this life...if we open our hearts...how we react in any given moment...how we react to others...we choose. we choose.

and through hope and possibility, i choose the light.

(just wanted to peek in and say hi and share these thoughts i am having as i get ready to go to bed early to continue to catch up on sleep. i'll be back in the morning with more to share. oh and just know that i might keep sharing these oregon coast photos for the next few weeks. the lighting one night last week was simply perfection and i can't get over the joys of using my 50mm lens at the beach...in that lighting. hope you don't mind.)

tonight. a memory. and december views.

view of me this evening...this whole week really but with rotating sets of flannel pajamas

so this chest cold is really taking it out of me...
i have spent the last four days in my pajamas. i have been working my day job (thank goodness i do that one from home) and taking naps and drinking many many mugs of tea. but mostly i am grumpy and achey and am now losing my voice.

thank you so much for your tea recipes. i now have the ingredients for the ginger/honey/lemon tea and will be making it tomorrow. adding honey to my tea is soothing my throat. (thank goodness for a dear husband who goes to the store for me.)

and thank you so much for your orders from the shop...i deeply appreciate it and love that so many people are buying a few handmade gifts this year.

the collecting sea glass at ruby beach scarf

i did want to share one little thing with you that has been making me smile. i took some photos of the scarves on betty drawn across her like a sash (as you can see in the above photo). i wanted people to be able to see more of the patchwork. but every time i see one of these photos, i immediately start singing this song. i can't help myself. i don't even realize i am singing it (i sing in my head all the time...does anyone else do that?) until i find myself trying to remember the line of dialogue that comes after, "what is it katie nana?" somewhere there is a tape of mary poppins that my dad taped off the TV. you know the kind. the ones where he tried not to tape the commercials because we had no VCR remotes then so you would have to get up to fast forward through them if you taped them. so the picture on the screen jumps a bit signaling where the commercial began and ended. sometimes we missed a few seconds of the next scene. sometimes there was the last bit of a commercial. love it. i watched it over and over and over as a kid. i remember one day realizing, "no way. that is totally dick van dyke" playing that older man at the bank in one of the last scenes. love dick van dyke. i wanted him to be my friend when i was a kid. and i so wanted to dance with those penguins. and laugh my way up to the ceiling...oh how the list goes on.

okay...one more mug of tea and then i am going to bed.

tell me what is going on in your world...

believing on the last day of november.

I started to write a post about what I can't believe…how I can't believe that it is the end of November and I have written a post every single day…how I can't believe I have completed something I set out to do…

I started to write about what I can't believe.
But the thing is, I can believe it.

I can believe
that I posted every day in November.
that I found words to share in this space that feels like another type of home for me.
that the holidays are here and another year has almost passed as each year does as a life is lived.
in the stirrings of hope and possibility this month has given me.
in the connection of friendships found in this space, in this other type of home.
in the encircling of friends who see me.
that sharing pieces of the guts of my experience is one of the reasons I am here.

So I hope to post almost every day in December because posting every single day this month has reminded me of my early days of blogging when thinking things like "oh! I can blog this!" was a new sort of inner dialogue and I found great joy in coming to the empty screen and putting down the whispers that are inside me…

I will be embarking on December Views with Dar and a few other delightful souls (more information here) and sharing these whispers through images.

But while I look forward to sinking into the silence that comes with sharing images next month, I also want to sink into the sounds of this time of year…at least the sounds of my world. I plan to share a favorite holiday tune each day through Christmas Day because…well, because the soundtrack of the holidays is very much part of the soundtrack of my life and I want to share because it simply makes me so happy.

I also plan to share a gift ideas list (or two) as I have come across so many wondrous simple things as we attempt to buy handmade yet again this year. I had hoped to do that during the wordiness that was November but I guess other things needed to be shared. I will also let you know when I update the shop with scarves, patchwork aprons, and some other fun holiday-inspired creations. I am planning an update Monday, December 8th after my only holiday show, Urban Craft Uprising, next weekend (in Seattle at the Seattle Center on Saturday and Sunday; hope to see you there!!). However, if you see anything float across my flickr page this week that catches your eye, just send me an email.

Mostly though, I plan to be quiet in December while sharing little peeks into my world through images.

Blessings to you…and thank you so very much for visiting my little corner and staying for a bit.

saying yes

some outtakes from a two girls, two clicks photo shoot

(i chose this one)

saying yes

to laughter

to letting it go

to embracing the inner silly

to knowing i am loved

to holding onto my circle of kindred spirits

to balance

to pigtails

to keeping the doctor away

to someone else cooking the turkey

to listening more

to remembering the laughter of those i love

to help

to chocolate + chocolate mint ice cream

to curling up under the quilts

to orange+green

to rereading the divine secrets

to hope

to brainstorming

to love

to seeing the beauty

to trust

to seeking peace within

to praying for peace everywhere

how about you?