a post that began one way...and turned into something else entirely.
saturday, jon got me out of the house for a bit. a short trip to point defiance park to get outside into the fresh air. even though we weren't there for very long, it was much needed. hopefully many a summer afternoon will be spent just like this...though maybe with a picnic and a stack of books and a journal or two and fresh markers and how the list goes on...
i am still sick. the weekend was filled with steam showers and lots of hot drinks and frequent use of the inhalers and making my way through season three of the west wing and reading my way through the harry potter series yet again...
and here is where is want to write something wise. i want to write about how i am finding answers in the all this quiet. about how my heart feels open as the sun shines in through the blinds and my mind is so full of ideas that i am dancing my favorite dance inside possibility. but, the truth is, my grandpa died two months ago and i am very sad about it. i am sad that i will never again visit the house where my grandparents lived. i am sad that they aren't going to show up and take me to the beach as the antidote to this illness as they did almost thirty years ago when i had a neverending bout of bronchitis. i am sad that i didn't get to my grandfather's side before he died. i am sad that there seems to be some kind of belief that a person shouldn't grieve deeply for grandparents...that a person should get "over" a death and "move on," especially when the person who died was "old." i would love to write something that might inspire but the truth is my head is throbbing as my brain seems to rattle each time i cough today and i just want to crawl back into bed. but i can't sleep because i keep coughing (not to mention i need to work).
i guess this is why i haven't been showing up here as much as i want to. i am trying so hard to push away the negative as i am on the cusp of a major pity party and i know it. even though there are also some really good things going on in my world that i look forward to sharing on another day, i am on the cusp of giving into the tears. but if i start crying, i won't be able to breathe. i know this is true. for a while now, when a thought comes up about my grandparents, i actually imagine pulling it out of my mind like dumbledore pulls out a memory in the world of harry potter...i imagine pulling it out and putting it into a box. i don't have the energy to grieve. does that make sense? i don't have the energy to give into the need for a good cry. i won't be able to breathe. and, these last two plus weeks have taught me that i really really need to be able to breathe.
(insert deep breath)
thanks for letting me ramble. it feels a bit like i just want someone to know where i am in this moment. so here i am, letting you know. and maybe i will come back tomorrow and let you know again. and the next day. because i think there is some comfort in knowing that someone knows a little piece of where i am.
i am okay. yes, i know this is true. i am okay. this is life. this is what it is. breathe in. breathe out. this is how we become.
(oh and i am behind on emails and returning phone calls and other good stuff. because of the coughing and asthma-like spells i am having, talking on the phone just isn't really possible right now. as much as i would so like to catch up with people on the phone, especially because i spend so much darn time alone, i am mostly trying to just be quiet. my etsy shop is open with a few happy summery necklaces, but i am not making any new soul mantra necklaces or any new fabric items at this time. hopefully soon i will be back in my studio sewing and hammering away. thanks for understanding.)
this is me
Reader Comments (18)
sweetie,
you need to take your time.
we will all be here
when you come back.
but you need to take some time
for you...and to rest...
and recuperate...
sending you hugs and hugs and hugs.
xo
there is no right or wrong way through grief, as in everything in this life, breathe and listen to your heart and make no apology for what you feel, truly ...
i love you
and am glad you are doing
what is right for you
right now
xoxox
hugs and warmth my dear
exactly. there are no stages or time limits when it comes to grief. we are all different. all our relationships are different.
my partner was given a lot of primary care and love from her grandparents -- more than from her parents -- so her grief is giant and bottomless and it will go on and on. that doesn't mean she is drowning in it -- it just means that it will always be with her in different ways.
because though we might have faith that they have gone on to their (what we call) "sparkle suits," that does not diminish our missing their "skin suits." Peace to you, Liz.
dear Liz*
just a little note to say that i read your words, i received your words. i, we, a collection of dear souls, seen & unseen, are right there with you - keeping you company, keeping watch & waiting with you. as a beloved woman often tells me as we hug goodbye i say to you, "go gently." take up as much time & space as you need, as your heart needs.
you are brilliant. thank you for being.
xo,
gem
Oh yes, grief has many turns and twists and it surely takes up lots of energy. I'm sending you good healing thoughts. As gkgirl said: we will all be here so take your time.
-Jane
honey, i know (and you know that i know) precisely where you are right now. i do, i do, i do. and you need to be kind to yourself, to allow the feelings to bubble up and out and back in again, you need to not feel one bit guilty about the process of mourning, of grieving, of being saturated to the absorbtion limit wih wet, wet sorrow.
i am sending you love and understanding and support, from the deep deep south. i am sending you my arms to wrap around you. i am sending you my heart. xo
Liz: When you finish Season 3 of West Wing, I have the others as well as the entirety of Sex and the City. And lots of films -- Secret Life of Bees, I've Loved You So Long, The Visitor and gobs of other Grand Cinema films as well as various chick flicks. And boxes of liquid chai stuff to add to milk. Just tell me what you need and I'll bring it to you.
My sweet Liz,
it is ok, this process. to concentrate soul-y on the act of BREATH. This is what is right in front of you. it is ok to grieve, for as long as you need. to feel deeply, wildly, passionately. this is what a true heart felt, light giver must do. FEEL. you can do that when you are ready. your heart knows. you are beautiful and amazing and I want to kiss the feet in that photograph, reminding you how loved you are in those quiet moments....whispering i adore you.
big hugs and healing thoughts...xo
we all grieve in our own way. what is right for one, may not be right for another. and only you know what is right for you.
take care of yourself!
sending you big love. you're smart for listening to your heart. take your time to heal. xo
you are a beautiful soul -- i do know exactly how you feel. Something that helps me when I miss my grandparents -- I find some alone time, close my eyes, and go back to their house and visit with them. I have whole conversations with them, can smell all the familiar smells of their home like my grandmother's Polish cooking, and visit each room, left just the way I remember them. What I love is that i can always visit anytime i need to. it always makes me feel better.
big hugs:)
Like you, my grandparents were 2 of the most important people in my world, there are times that I miss my grandmother, still, so much, and when I am struggling with something, I have conversations with her in my head. I have found (to my great surprise) that many people never had a close and solid relationship with their grandparents, that they were just people they saw once or twice a year when they were kids how sad!). And tho my gran died when I was 19, and my grandfather just a couple of years ago, I miss them everyday, and am so grateful that they were such a big part of my life. Walk thru the grief in the time that you want to take with it. Grieving someone you love so very much is a process that just can't be rushed... xoL
Oh Liz,
I'm so sorry. I lost my Grampy Jim in April last year the week before Artfest. Your old soul and understanding meant alot when we met there and it was still a very raw wound. I had a little cry just the other day remembering that he's not there for me to go and visit. It's not a pity party to grieve (and bronchitis ain't no fun either!).
Oh, Dear Liz, I am praying for healing for you - for your body, for your soul, for your poor grieving heart. You love deeply and you feel your loss so deeply. You know there's no right or wrong, and no correct timing for this. It is what it is, and there are so many people out there sending you light and love. Namaste, my friend.
dear liz, i hope you are resting and having a better day today. i am sorry that you aren't feeling well and for your feeling sad about your grandparents. i know the pain that comes with such a lose, i am sorry.
not feeling well and having such sadness tied in with that is so much weight to carry, take all the time you need and be kind to yourself. thinking of you and sending light. xoxo
oh hun, i hear and understand all of this. my grandpa died in feb 2007 and i still cry when i think of him, wishing that we'd had more time. my grandma just sold the home that he built himself, and seeing that it's in alaska, i will never step foot in that house again.
so, take your time, and since you can't cry because it's hazardous to your health... i want you to create something for him. put this energy into something beautiful, pulling every happy memory you have of him out of the box.
my grandpa raised 3 children, ALL of them employed by their own creativity, working with their hands to make beautiful things happen. now, i realize that our gpa's are different people, but i dare say he would want you to be making something beautiful... which you do so well.
love YOU
Thinking of you.