letting go {self-portrait challenge}

This evening, I choose to (try to) let go…

Of the need to feel guilty. I think I must be a bit addicted to feeling guilty as I choose to feel it so often. Can guilt be like a drug? Oh how I have gotten better over the last few years, but I hope to keep saying, "thanks, but no thanks" to the invitation of guilt.

Of the need to please. I will not please everyone. I cannot. And the truth is, I will not.

Of the need to dwell. A few months ago a wise friend said to me, "when your friend thinks she could have cancer and her doctor is saying things like, 'we don't really know what it is' and 'we haven't seen this before really' and you don't stand by her or you choose to stay mad about things, well, I think you lose all your friend points then." Yes. This is true. I need to let go of my need to dwell on things like this. Move on.

Of the need to be understood. The truth is, sometimes people just aren't gonna get it. They aren't gonna "get you." And that is okay. It. Is. Okay.

Of the need to look a certain way. I do this more and more as I own that I can just be me.

Of the need to put myself down. It is such an easy record to play in my head.

Of the need to think I am protecting others. Because this is often at the risk of harming myself. The opposite of this is inviting in honesty and boundaries.

Of the need to be liked by people who might be a lot cooler than me.

Of the need to focus on and fear the judgment of others. This goes hand in hand with that need to please. But, this one is really about that word: fear. It is a fear in the pit of my stomach. The fear that I will have to admit I cannot do it all. The fear that I will have to admit my pain, my truth.

Of the need to judge.

Of the need to stuff it in.

Of the need to ask for advice when I already know the answers.

Of the need to call someone.

Of the need to get wrapped up in emotion when I think someone does not understand me. I just keep trying to peel back the layers and let go of this. Knowing my reaction and words and thoughts belong to me. Theirs belong to them.

Of the need to fear what speaking my truth might do.

Of the need to be worried about a post full of pieces of my story (like this one).

Of the need to "have to."

What need do you need to let go of today? Do it now my friends. Let it go.
(maybe even leave an anonymous comment. free yourself…)

(for more "street" photography, visit self-portrait challenge)

tomorrow

A made a few more little things over the weekend for the shop...smaller prayer flag sets that are from the "story" series.

My hope is that someone out there reads the words on these flag sets and says, "Yes...that is my story."

Because really, for me, connections like that are why I wanted to begin to share my creations in the first place. To be on the other side of the connection I have felt so often with artists, writers, and others...

Tomorrow morning, I will post the link to my shop here...hope you will stop by!

(thank you)

when worlds collide

A funny thing happens when worlds collide. You stop and notice yourself and wonder how others see you. Do you know what I mean?

Like when blog world meets real world
College world meets high school world
Work world meets…
I think you get it.

Last week, I noticed something interesting in my sitemeter. I began to see a couple of similar incoming links that I didn't recognize that were repeated quite a few times from various different locations. Locations of colleges that kind of rang a bell from this time three years ago. Through some detective work, I deduced that I have been discovered. At least that is what it feels like. Because the truth is: discover my blog, discover me.

Before Jon and I moved to Tacoma, we both worked at a boarding school back in Indiana. It is the boarding high school I attended actually. I was a counselor for one of the girls' dorms there. I don't think I have ever talked about that job here. To be honest, I have needed a long break away from it. I needed to remember why I loved going to school there and how it felt like home to me when I was a teenager and why that was. Working there was not quite that same feeling, not quite home.

A few months after we moved out here and I was in the midst of my two-year yoga teaching training program, we spent a weekend on the chakras. I had two pretty significant experiences that weekend. One had to do with my second chakra, the other with my fifth. After I described what had happened to me internally during the group exercise we did around the fifth chakra, the woman leading the weekend asked me what I did for a living. At the time, I hadn't really started editing much, so I said, "well, I used to be a high school dorm counselor who was kind of in charge of all the emotional, academic, and other needs of 50 teenage girls." She paused. Looked straight at me and said, "I never want you to do that again."

Now, here is the part where I tell you how much I did love parts of my job. Specifically, I enjoyed working with the girls. I loved hearing their laughter in the hallways and the moments when they would come and sit in my office and tell me how their day went. I loved seeing them grow from frightened freshmen to incredibly confident seniors.

But, what this woman meant was that I didn't have the boundaries in place to keep myself emotionally safe while trying to help others. I took it all on. I wanted to be better at a job that had set up a no-win situation for us as counselors in that we had to discipline yet we hoped to be the students' safe person. Pretty hard to be a "safe" person for kids when they are afraid to tell you anything because you have to "turn them in." I beat myself up constantly for not being able to balance who I was inside with who I was expected to be. There were students who had been through a lot in their lives and needed a level of attention that was difficult to give when trying to help 49 other students. There were challenges that I cannot go into here, but they were the kind that the students wouldn't have known about. The kind that forever change a person. Being a part of those challenges forever changed me.

And, I needed to take a big break from that world. To remember the reasons why that place had been like home to me at one time.

So back to being discovered. Yes. It seems that a group of girls I had the honor of watching grow from those overwhelmed freshmen to amazing self-assured seniors have discovered my blog.

And, this has caused me to think about how they might see me. I wrote my blog for several months before I shared the link with my family and close friends. That was pretty weird, but I got used to it. I have come to a place where a few people do know about my blog, but mostly, I think that my blog readers are other bloggers. Though, I discovered recently that if you google my full name you are led right here. But, I mean really, who knows me? Who googles me?

I thought about how I looked at my high school teachers and how it would feel to discover a blog by one of them. I think about how some of them are frozen in time for me and how I never really thought about what books they might read and what kind of hobbies they have.

It is interesting when worlds collide isn't it? When you get a glimpse into another side of someone, and in that way, you get a glimpse into yourself as well.

Girls, I imagine it might be hard to believe that this woman who wears her hair in pigtails and dances to Tina Turner and writes poetry and paints and sews and laughs and writes the truth of her life is me.

Welcome to my world.

(Hope you will say hi sometime.)

did you wear your apron today?

i recently discovered a delightful new blog called apronista. there i learned that today is national wear your apron day! i sported one from my growing collection throughout the day. jon snapped this photo as i ironed some interfacing into a couple more selma totes tonight.

apronista is all about wearing aprons as fashion, which i totally support. i keep having all these ideas for ones to make...anything to wear all this gorgeous fabric i keep finding (and...ahem...buying).

and yes, i am totally serious about the tea towel swap. more details to come!

jon's grandmother continues to hang in there. it is hard to know how things are going, as i guess today was a tough day. but she is fighting and that is a good thing. she is having side effects from the blood thinner she is on and that is complicating things. i think jon's mom is "cautiously optimistic" as they say...thank you for keeping Gram in your thoughts.

we had the most gorgeous weather today. tomorrow it is supposed to be in the high 70s. i am looking forward to another day with all the windows open...

(on a sidenote: i think it is completely wacky that i post pictures of myself sans make-up and just think that is normal)

a little charred...but open to joy

I was going to post this delightful "senses" post about how I spent my day yesterday…but life kicked in at some point and things shifted to some other things…like the following:

1) Jon's grandmother, Gram, is in the hospital. She fell and broke several ribs. She is in a lot of pain. They are concerned about pneumonia (she is 91) and it hurts her so much to cough. As of our last phone call, they were not moving her to intensive care, and she had been sitting up in a chair for a while. So that is good news. Please keep her in your thoughts. She is a dear lady full of life and light and laughter. A hippie and an artist; several of her pieces hang in our home. I feel blessed that she came into my life and we both adore her.

2) I hoped to get my etsy shop open this week…but I think I will need to wait until next week like I thought all along. Need to finish a few prayer flag sets, but then, I have to take pictures of everything. The weather is not cooperating (well, and then there is the part that you have to be finished with everything before you can take pictures). The other reason is…

3) Several urgent files came in for my "day job" this weekend. Files that need to be done asap. Which means working on Mother's Day. Not that I am a mother or anything…but… And, of course, it isn't my boss that is insisting I work. No. But, our clients need these things turned around and since it isn't sunny enough to take pictures of things I haven't yet finished…I am editing today. Well, and you can't finish things that need to be sewn when you have to spend the afternoon at a café because….

4) I tried to burn the house down today. Okay, I, of course, did not try to burn the house down, but, I did start a darn nice fire. By accident. Who wants to start a fire in their kitchen? On an electric stove? When the person is just trying to make tea? The story: I filled up the tea kettle and turned on the burner and went back to my little room to edit. And just when I thought, "oh it is probably boiling by now," I started to smell something burning. And thought, "oh there must have been some rice from dinner the other night on the stove or something." And then edited two more sentences before heading to the kitchen. My brain was starting to compute, "hmm…something smells like it is actually on fire" and my eyes started to burn from smoke and I turned the corner to the kitchen/family room. In no particular order of absent-minded horrors: a) I had turned on the wrong burner. b) There was kitchen towel on the stove. c) I had turned on the stove when a kitchen towel was on it. d) The kitchen towel was on the "wrong" burner. e) There were pretty huge, high flames that had engulfed that kitchen towel. f) There was that scary "flames are around" sound as the towel burned. The good parts, in no particular order of importance: There was a section of the towel that was not burning. That section was enough for me to pick up the towel and throw it in the sink, without burning myself (or starting a second fire). We have one of those water hose things in our kitchen sink so I was able to quickly douse the entire towel in water. The flames had not reached the towels that hang from our oven handle. Our smoke alarm went off (remember when it didn't?). Oh and no one was hurt and our house did not burn down.

Of course, being a blogger and all, after I had opened all the windows and assured my husband (who had been in the shower) that all was okay ("but would you please turn off the smoke alarm as Millie's ears are hurting from it?"), I decided to take a picture. And share it here...

(As I write this, someone has started playing a cello here in the café. Oh, it brings tears to my eyes, the sound is so beautiful. Not a bad way to spend an afternoon writing a blog post and doing a little work as someone plays the cello.)

As I looked at my charred, W-S wedding-present towel, I had the thought that maybe some of you might have had days lately that have left you feeling a bit "charred" around the edges…

So do you want to do something fun? Like maybe a kitchen/tea towel swap to invite some joy in?