5.4.3.2.1.

5 ... the number of times i have listened to "i'm not ready to make nice" by the dixie chicks on repeat today (while mouthing the words as i was not in a situation where i could sing aloud as perceived lip syncing to silence was bad enough)

4 ... specific items brought from home to keep me grounded

3 ... days (starting tomorrow) that will be spent talking about the elephant

2 ... planes my sinus infection and i road on today

1 ... book i started reading for the first time

29 things I have done in the last 28 hours

*watched entourage and cheered ari as he rescued lloyd
*was told by my hmo that i can’t see my doctor because the sinus infection i described didn’t sound like it had reached the bacteria stage and that even though i am flying on sunday, the consulting nurse just wants me to take sudafed (okay, she was actually quite nice but i hate having an hmo and being told that i can’t see my doctor)
*started crying because my head hurt so much from the pressure of my sinuses
*laughed and cried with dana on the phone
*laughed and cried with kelly on the phone
*was reminded by two friends and my husband that i am stronger than i realize
*appreciated my husband’s kindness in taking care of me as i am ill and overwhelmed by some things (like the last 30 years of my life)
*felt the healing power of mixing paint and stroking it across a page
*painted 12 pages of my new art journal
*laughed as i glued paper to a page ala the techniques i learned in anne bagby’s class at artfest
*had mug after mug of genmai-cha tea
*felt really happy that the pressure in my head started to decrease
*ate some spicy thai food as spicy food was one thing the consulting nurse told me would help clear my sinuses (really…do any of you have other ideas??)
*used the neti pot
*wore my hair in pig tails
*watched the movie stranded on the hallmark channel (a less disney-fied telling of the swiss family robinson story)
*blew my nose about 150 times
*edited some files
*ate a few too many mint milano cookies (but they are so good)
*(i am not proud of it) said aloud that the bird of paradise (all of them) are creepy [insert not so nice words here] (have you seen these guys? we watched them on planet earth again today…have seen them three times. they are insane those guys. so damn cool. to see them yourself, click here and scroll down to jungle: birds of paradise. then hold on tight.)
*listened to my husband tell me all the people he thinks of when he lights the healing candle…i didn’t realize that he did this…i love this
*fell in love with a tamarin
*stayed in my pajamas
*daydreamed about wanting to go on a vacation that would involve sitting and watching the ocean and whales
*checked the weather for chicago
*did some laundry
*ordered the book the dance of anger (on the recommendation of a friend. thank you for saying “did you write it down?”)
*thought about taking a nap
*kept trying to tell, speak, live the truth

little lists

(a small list of some of the) things i can control (in the next day or so)

deciding to twirl for no reason at all
if i change out of my pajamas tomorrow
how i wear my hair (pigtails or two buns)
if i want to put a banana on my cereal in the morning
if i want to answer the phone (remember my post-it…did i tell you about it…it said “do i want to make/take this call”)
what kind of tea to drink
how many times i tell my husband i love him
how I remember
if i play with millie (that one is pretty easy)
which slippers i put on when i get out of bed
if i watch entourage or ugly betty or just read more harry potter when I eat my lunch tomorrow
if i snap at someone
if i fall into the hole again
if i let go
if i write
if i take a nap
if i tell the truth
asking for advice when I want it
what music to listen to
if i sing along to that music
when i go to bed…

(a small list of some of the) things i can’t (seem to) control

crying
feeling like i don’t have control
fear
the past
the need to blow my nose
the soreness of my throat
how my sinuses feel near exploding
the aching of my body
others’ expectations
letting others know when i don’t need advice
the ringing of the phone
being old for so long
the fear of the truth
the fear of actually setting the boundaries
the fear of asking for what i need
the weight of it
the weight of all of it

maybe it is just that the things on the second list are just bigger than the things on the first list. maybe that is why they feel so heavy. and yes, i know there are more things…bigger things that i can control…like my attitude in every moment and how i respond to things. yes. i believe this. and bigger things i can’t control…like world peace and violence all around us and how we are destroying our earth with our need for things. i know. i know. i know. right now, i just need some space to…just be in this space.
and yes, that was a gentle hint that i do not really need advice as much as i need a hug. (thank you)

a little time in portland, oregon

jon and i whisked ourselves away for a weekend in portland. our reason for going was to see my baby brother and spend some time with him on his birthday. he. is. 26. unbelievable.

we were also lucky enough to visit with laini and jim over pancakes saturday and then with judy over eggs and french toast on sunday.

laini and jim just make me smile. their love for one another is such fun to be around and i love listening to them talk about their work. we had a lively talk about the incredible animals laini is researching while writing and the amazing creatures jon and i are watching on planet earth. (are you watching this show? if not, you MUST. you simply must. the creatures of planet earth will rock your world.) i think jon and i could laugh and talk with these two for days on end.

and judy...dear judy. i was lucky enough to connect with her at artfest and it was such a joy to see her again so soon. after breakfast, when jon and i talked about all she teaches with her words, i started calling her “judy the wise.” she simply “gets it.” and shares what she gets and what she has learned from living her life. she reminds me to remember myself, which is quite a beautiful gift.

my soul feels rejuvenated after the weekend. even as i seem to travel between grumpy and fearful and overwhelmed and peaceful and sad and full of joy and grumpy again...connecting with these folks, and my brother and his inspiring, adorable, and kind girlfriend, and my husband...this has been a needed deep breath.

jon and i had fun exploring antique malls and bookstores and streets full of construction (okay, that last part was sometimes frustrating...there is so much construction there!). we stayed at this funky new hotel (the ace hotel) and enjoyed the whimsical, hip nature of the place and the fact that is was one, that’s right folks, one block from powells. we did not so much enjoy the techno drunk inspired noise outside our hotel until well after 2:30 a.m. both nights. i had the oddest dreams there. if we stay again, we will request a room that does not face the front of the building.

i have more to share and say…but i think i need to spend time laughing until my cheeks hurt again…that’s right. another hour to waste watching “thank god you’re here.” because, well, lately i am thinking that it just isn’t a bad thing to laugh until your cheeks hurt. nope. on a day like today, full of grief for many families connected to a school across the country, we can hope that some of the joy of that laughter manifests itself however it is needed.

and just a note to say thanks for stopping by. i know i haven’t been writing as often as i usually do or sharing the guts of stuff like i usually do (or writing about artfest like i promised or sharing photos of the prayer flags i really am making). but just know that your words and just knowing you are out there living in your lives and doing the “heavy lifting” and getting it…just knowing that makes this girl feel part of something. thank you for that.

finding the gems in the midst of a post-artfest pout/slump/bout with loneliness

this is a picture from the time kelly and i spent on the beach in port townsend before checking in at artfest. the day was incredibly beautiful and warm and sunny. we had this gorgeous weather for almost the entire time we were there. how lucky we were as the pacific northwest can be a bit fickle this time of year when it comes to sharing beautiful days.

i had such a good time with kelly. we spent almost a week together and were with one another almost the entire time, other than when we were in our respective workshops. she really is one of the most amazing people i know. her caring, generous spirit and open nature teach me something new all the time. i am lucky to call her my friend.

i have been absent from my blog more than i would like over the last few weeks, and i could list several reasons. in these last few days, though, part of the reason is because i have found myself in a bit of a funk. this funk came to a head today as the rain turned to hail and the wind blew and blew. my husband called to find out if he should pick anything up for dinner and i ended up picking a fight for no reason at all. my excuse, “i just feel lonely.” odd, i know.

tonight though, i am finding some gems in the midst of my pout and am trying to give myself permission to just let the pout go to settle into the goodness.

a friend called on her drive home from work just to see how i am doing.

jon made tacos, which does make me really happy. i felt my spirits lift a bit after i had food in my belly.

i felt the creative spirit in me dance a bit this evening…just for a moment…inviting me to begin to have fun again (i think it has been resting since artfest – just plain tuckered out as they say).

i finished the scarf i was crocheting (it is my third. i am in love with double crochet) and even though it didn’t look like there was enough yarn left to finish one more long row (i crocheted it long-ways…or however, you say it), there totally was…with a few inches to spare!

my husband grew a beard while i was at artfest and during his spring break last week. this weekend, i asked him to shave it into a goatee for fun and he has totally kept it. it cracks me up in the best of ways because he just looks so adorable. i love it.

i decided it is really okay if my website is not perfect by my deadline for myself (which was my oddly chosen date of april 10, which is, in fact a tuesday, and that simply does not work at all…so i will in fact get it done whenever the heck i can).

i spent time looking at the workshops for artfiberfest. because the best way to get over your post-artfest funk is to look forward to the next time you can get together with such amazing, creative, kind-hearted, wonderful folks!

my cheeks are hurting so much from laughing at this random show i found tonight. it’s called “thank god you’re here” and it is a sketch-comedy show on nbc. it is pretty silly but seems to be just what the doctor ordered as one cannot be a grumpybutt when one is laughing until one’s cheeks hurt.

i allowed myself to remember that i have a choice to make about how i spend each moment. that it is okay to waste some time watching bad tv, but that i do not want to give myself permission to waste away all the moments when the loneliness creeps in. no, that is not the choice i want to make. i know there is much i feel called to do. and that the time to begin is now.

how are you pulling yourself out of the moments of pouting or funkiness in which you might find yourself lately?