an invitation...to really look

Taking self portraits of myself has become part of my routine over the last few months. To pose for the camera, to pose just for me, to look at myself. After taking lots of pictures (except in March when I took just one a day), I look at them and often hear that inner voice who just wants to let me know that I am not pretty. Eventually, I find the one photo that I can share with, well the world, but also the photo I can agree on, with myself, to stare at whenever I come to this page.

My journey has been about the work inside. Unpacking the baggage, looking at it to see if there is something to learn, if there are reasons amidst some of the shit. Looking at the moments I am triggered and why, looking at the patterns, and so on, but also to recognize the beauty that is there, that is part of my life. The beauty of the world around me, of the people in my life, of the path I am on, and the beauty inside me. But throughout this, there is this piece of beauty on the outside. The other stuff seems like the hard stuff. But this outside piece, accepting my physical looks, this is a big part of the baggage as well. I have just been so focused on the inner stuff because it is easier, on some level, than…well, than looking at the outside…of me.

As I mentioned on Tuesday’s post, on Monday, when I took this week’s self portraits, I felt something shift as I looked at my face on the computer screen in front of me. There have been moments of this over the past few months, a whisper of self-acceptance. There has been an awakening and a determination to get over my negative body image and “face beauty” issues. But it then it goes back to a whisper, and most of the time, I just forget to listen for it.

In the August issue of Yoga Journal, Elizabeth Gilbert (the author of the "much talked about in blog world" book Eat, Pray, Love – a book I really want to read) writes about finding her own beauty. After realizing she was wrapped up in being self-critical of her looks to the extent it was consuming her, she asked a yogi friend of hers what she should do. The woman recommended she spend time, every day, looking in the mirror until she recognized her own beauty.

A piece of my negative physical image is about my body: Not being thin enough, always being “my biggest friend,” not being able to find clothes sometimes, having clerks give me "that look" when I walk in certain stores. But another piece is wanting to feel pretty. Wanting to be one of the pretty ones. Wanting to see my face as pretty. As Gilbert says, “A person’s face is, you might say, the spokesperson for the soul.” Yes. And I want people to see my soul, but first they see my face. The face that often has multiple chins. The face that looks tired and is gathering wrinkles each day.

As I read about Gilbert’s experience, I began to wonder if I could have a daily meditation where I sit across from myself, all alone, in the quiet, and look at my own face. I could start with one minute…or maybe 30 seconds. And work my way up to a few minutes. Each day. Until I recognize me.

The idea is that you have to accept the shell that carries your soul, before you can let go. Let go of the desire to be the pretty one, of the ego involved, of the past that might hold you a bit too tight. Let go to be free of the way your body image weighs you down when you are trying to fly.

Do you want to join me? We could start with 5 seconds, 45 seconds, 2 minutes. We could do this together. A daily meditation of reflection. A daily meditation to recognize the beauty.

as a reflection of hope {self portrait challenge}

This is how I want to be.
For you.
For me.
A reflection of hope.

Yesterday, a dear friend and I were talking about the idea of why we come to these online journals open for all the world to see and then we write our stories. And for both of us, one real reason is that by coming to this page and writing the truth of our lives, we hope that someone out there reading might realize they are not alone.

This has such power for me.

But sometimes I forget that this means I am not alone too.

Last night, I had one of those "fuck. my grandmother is totally dead and i can never talk to her again for real. this just sucks so much. i hate it. i am so pissed at her for dying like that. and i am pissed at the universe that this is what life hands us. and that it will keep handing it to me whenever it wants" moments. Triggered by one little line in a Kenny Rogers' song I was listening to at midnight as I worked away on this huge editing project that has been keeping me glued to my laptop for 12 or more hours a day lately. The line, "If I close my eyes, it doesn't hurt quite so bad. 'Cause tonight I just lost the best friend I ever had." If only I would have paused to take a drink of tea during the next song, "on a warm summer's eve, on a train..." well, you know the rest.

And in that moment...the house quiet...the darkness caved in for a moment. So alone.

A little while later, I stopped my work and downloaded the self portraits I had taken earlier.

I saw this woman's reflection. A spark of something in her eye. A peaceful look on her face. She seems wise. As though she lives on her path and walks in her life. As though she knows.

As I soaked in these images, Deb Talen's words, ones I had been listening to on repeat for a while before Kenny dropped by, echoed in my head "you are a phoenix with your feathers still a little wet...the ashes just look pretty on your eyes...dry your wings in the sun, you have only begun to understand."

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Hope...

I am beginning to understand. I am finding my way. And I am not alone. Even in the loneliest darkness, I have me.

(Little does Thea realize that she actually inspired this post for another reason. On Sunday night, I took another break from editing world, and I dipped into the archives of her blog and found this post which prompted me to buy Deb Talen's CD on iTunes. Thank you friend. Thank you.)

me as...{self portrait challenge}

Me as a happy apple.
Yes.
A happy apple.

Earlier this year, self portrait tuesday's challenge was "all of me," and in one post that month, I shared that my left eye has Duanes Retraction Syndrome. I also shared that my parents taught me to turn my head using a fisher price red apple. I haven't really spoken much about my eye over the years, but writing this and sharing my story here has invited me to think about it a bit more. And to think about the red apple and how it may have saved me in some ways.

On Saturday, Jon and I spent the day with Lynn and her husband. That evening, we had dinner at their home. And when I walked in to Lynn's kitchen, what did I spy?

I spied the red apple. The Happy Apple.
Serendipity.

It seems that Lynn bought the Happy Apple when she worked in an antique store. And it decorates her kitchen now.

So she let me borrow it for a bit, to rekindle my relationship with it. When you pick it up, it makes a delightful sound, kind of like chimes, kind of like a music box. I had forgotten this. But as I have listened over these last few days, my memories have begun to twirl around in my head. And I have created the Happy Apple Dance. A little yoga meets belly dancing meets ballet.
I love the way your life can go in a certain direction sometimes, and then one little shift in the path intersects your journey with someone else's. It is pure delight.

pop art? {self portrait challenge}

me reflected in the side of the experience music project building, which is itself, a huge piece of pop art in seattle.

thought i would at least participate for one week this month at self-portrait challenge...

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updated in 2011: Self-Portrait Challenge (SPC) was a website that encouraged people to take and share self-portraits. I am sad to report that it no longer has an active website, so I have removed links that appeared in the posts connected to my participation in this project.

me from a to z {self portrait challenge}

(this photo was taken by lynn at a booth at the university district street fair earlier this month.)

accent: not so much (in my opinion). i just sound like everybody else (except when i say button or mitten...comes out like budden and midden. not sure why).

booze: why would you not? a full-bodied red wine will do the trick. but i also never turn down frozen, fruity concoctions. my favorite way to drink them is in a cabana on a beach in maui. and martinis are never a bad idea. oh and sangria...you get my point.

dog/cat: yes, one golden retriever named millie.

essential electronics: my laptop, my phone, my dvd player (which of course means that i must include my gigantic tv), and my new heat gun that i use to dry things when i am in art land.

favorite perfume: i love anything that has a hint of lily of the valley. i am also drawn to scents that invoke thoughts gypsies and bizzarres and twirling and magic carpet...i know these scents when i find them (philosophy used to make one called soulmates. loved it. still looking for a replacement.)

gold/silver: silver...and, well, i never turn down platinum.

hometown: south bend, indiana

insomnia: not too often, but when i do it is the worst. sometimes i have bad dreams that seem quite real and i just get up because going back to sleep is too scary.

job title: yoga teacher/freelance editor

kid(s): (see dog/cat)

living arrangements: a little house in the pacific northwest that i share with my dear husband and millie.

most admirable trait: my open heart and fierce loyalty.

number of sex partners: hmm....just enough.

overnight hospital stays: i think there has just been the one about 30 years ago now.

phobias: i do not love bats. but if faced with spending the night with a bat or a shark, i would choose a bat. i do not love deep water and i do not love it when it is pitch black around me. i guess i have a phobia of things being out of my control.

quote: "god bless america"

religion: i appreciate ritual in my life and i believe there is a power, an energy greater than me. i believe i touch at the bottom of the hem of the skirt of this energy when i experience moments of grace.

siblings: one. my baby brother matthew.

time you usually wake: 7:30 a.m.

unusual talent: i can tap dance.

x-rays: too many. lots of bouts of bronchitis and pneamonia as a child. and these darn teeth. and my knee dislocations always brought about a few moments in the x-ray room.

yummy foods: grilled cheese and tomato soup. this is the food that comforts me most of all (well, and yellow cake with chocolate frosting...that isn't too bad either). and summer is coming so this means many a caprese salad (slices of mozzarella and tomatoes with basil and a balsamic vinegar and olive oil drizzle)...yummy indeed.

zodiac: i am a gemini (just like my jonny...so really, there are four people and a dog in this house...very interesting).

thanks to KP for this meme.

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updated in 2011: Self-Portrait Challenge (SPC) was a website that encouraged people to take and share self-portraits. I am sad to report that it no longer has an active website, so I have removed links that appeared in the posts connected to my participation in this project.