as a reflection of hope {self portrait challenge}
This is how I want to be.
For you.
For me.
A reflection of hope.
Yesterday, a dear friend and I were talking about the idea of why we come to these online journals open for all the world to see and then we write our stories. And for both of us, one real reason is that by coming to this page and writing the truth of our lives, we hope that someone out there reading might realize they are not alone.
This has such power for me.
But sometimes I forget that this means I am not alone too.
Last night, I had one of those "fuck. my grandmother is totally dead and i can never talk to her again for real. this just sucks so much. i hate it. i am so pissed at her for dying like that. and i am pissed at the universe that this is what life hands us. and that it will keep handing it to me whenever it wants" moments. Triggered by one little line in a Kenny Rogers' song I was listening to at midnight as I worked away on this huge editing project that has been keeping me glued to my laptop for 12 or more hours a day lately. The line, "If I close my eyes, it doesn't hurt quite so bad. 'Cause tonight I just lost the best friend I ever had." If only I would have paused to take a drink of tea during the next song, "on a warm summer's eve, on a train..." well, you know the rest.
And in that moment...the house quiet...the darkness caved in for a moment. So alone.
A little while later, I stopped my work and downloaded the self portraits I had taken earlier.
I saw this woman's reflection. A spark of something in her eye. A peaceful look on her face. She seems wise. As though she lives on her path and walks in her life. As though she knows.
As I soaked in these images, Deb Talen's words, ones I had been listening to on repeat for a while before Kenny dropped by, echoed in my head "you are a phoenix with your feathers still a little wet...the ashes just look pretty on your eyes...dry your wings in the sun, you have only begun to understand."
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Hope...
I am beginning to understand. I am finding my way. And I am not alone. Even in the loneliest darkness, I have me.
(Little does Thea realize that she actually inspired this post for another reason. On Sunday night, I took another break from editing world, and I dipped into the archives of her blog and found this post which prompted me to buy Deb Talen's CD on iTunes. Thank you friend. Thank you.)
self-portrait
Reader Comments (35)
Oh beautiful Liz, you have me too!! I am walking this grief journey right beside you and behind you in case you stumble. I have been reeally "in it" this week too. It has left me raw and tender as new skin.
I loved this post, I am going to read it again and again!!
You are one special lady with such a beautiful way with words and bravery to reach out so honestly. Your grandmother is proud my dear friend!!
Pick up the phone if you wanna chat!
XOXO-
Wow, LOVE that Deb Talen quote, it's beautiful! And I love your words "the darkness caved in for a moment" -- exquisitely phrased! Sorry you're hurting. Your self-portraits are lovely - you DO look wise & peaceful!
just gorgeous!!! Thanks for the bit of hope!
These pictures are beautiful - you are beautiful! I love this post from beginning to end!!!
Hope, what a wonderful thing, thank you for helping me to remember.
Liz~ on discussing this bloggie world with Boho one day, she said, "You know Liz...everyone knows Liz...she is such a sweetheart :)"
And that's when I found out who Liz was....I came here and read and listened and read some more.
Who is Liz? Soooo much more than hope alone. You are inspiring, thoughtful and a warrior woman.
You are simply....
divine :)
xxx darlene
This is absolutely GORGEOUS Liz. I love these images of you, these images of hope. You are such an inspiration to me, more than I can ever adequetly express to you. Thank you for bringing hope and light and joy to me and everyone who reads your beautiful words. You make me feel less alone and I can't thank you enough for it. Thank you for being exactly who you are. Thank you for everything. All my love xoxo
I saw these on flickr before I checked your blog today. I fell so in love with them that I decided I had to print one out so I could look at it daily. I am going to print the last one since I have a print by the same artist (I think) as the prints behind you.
I feel so connected:)
You are such a beautiful light in my life-I love you dear one.
Thank you for sharing you-it really has affected me.
I am sorry the grief stomped on you last night.I understand the anger and frustration.
Hugs and kisses sweetness
These are lovely and everyone deserves to have hope.
Yes, beautiful photos! Here's hoping that tomorrow is better than today.
Is that one of my favourite artists in the background? I think it is!! How I love story people! This was a great post Liz.
lovely lovely lovely!
A truly beautiful post. And true. Lovely.
so beautiful and LOOK are those Brian Anderas' on the wall behind you? you've got the spirit all around you, baby
~bluepoppy
all of these are truly beautiful, vibrant, real images of hope. thank you liz you shine lighthouse beams into my life.
There is always hope, waiting to be discovered in tiny places. I love the Brian Andreas pictures on your wall.
That's a beautiful post, Liz and lovely photos. (I really like that shade of green on you!)
liz, we need more hope in this world. thank you for being such an inspiration through your words & creativity. so glad to have found you...
There must be something in the air today. I've also been thinking about what blogging means for me. And anger. Yes. Liz, you bring kindness and peace to my heart - it's good to not be alone.
Lovely photos and sentiments. Remember, after Pandora's Box was opened and released all the ills upon the once-worry-free world, the very last thing to leave that box was HOPE.
Geez. I need to practice seeing myself like that.
You are truly wonderful.
luv,
j.
:)
My dear friend, you and i are walking the same path - that is what i feel when i read this post and look at your beautiful face in the mirror - the phoenix in the mirror. yes. i get this, so strongly and powerfully my bones shake. we.are.not.alone. we have *ourselves* and each other. i can't wait to meet you and give you a hug x
When i first started think about starting a blogg i was eluntant, something held me back. i didn't NEED to, there was no great reason for it. nothing in particular to say, and i didn't know what the purpose or outcome would be.
i think suffice to say that this has actually been quite a journey for all of us. something special happens out here. we are all touched by others' words and they by us possibly, but all in all there is a connection. the web of weird in full flow.
of course you have yourself, a great gift for sure, but how wonderful that you've found so many true friends (and i don't think that's an overstatement).
i don't want to sound like a melodramatist, but i think blogging has all saved us all at times...even if it's through the action of reaching out. but SOMEONE always hears you.
i love the photos of you Liz.
Blogging is funny....I think about why I like to share myself with anyone out there willing to look and listen. Sometimes I want to share everything,other times I feel myself closing up. I am so grateful for all of the people I have met through this sharing...this connecting that never would have happened if not for blogs. It is a wonderful way of connecting, when we really need to connect.
I am sorry for the loss of your grandma. Life is bittersweet and I do feel that things happen for one reason or another, even if we cannot understand that reason at this point of our lives. I lost my grandma when I was 16, I still don't understand why she cannot be here with me, but I do know she is here for me, watching over me. How lucky I feel to have that. Sending you love and hope too!
I love Deb Talan's Forgiven. I actually found her through Sarah...aka Rustic Relics, Thea's close friend....another connection!
Take care!!!
Lovely photos of hope. You have a beautiful circle of friends.
Great photos!
I blog so that I am not alone for each of us has a story and our stories bring us together...