as a reflection of hope {self portrait challenge}
This is how I want to be.
For you.
For me.
A reflection of hope.
Yesterday, a dear friend and I were talking about the idea of why we come to these online journals open for all the world to see and then we write our stories. And for both of us, one real reason is that by coming to this page and writing the truth of our lives, we hope that someone out there reading might realize they are not alone.
This has such power for me.
But sometimes I forget that this means I am not alone too.
Last night, I had one of those "fuck. my grandmother is totally dead and i can never talk to her again for real. this just sucks so much. i hate it. i am so pissed at her for dying like that. and i am pissed at the universe that this is what life hands us. and that it will keep handing it to me whenever it wants" moments. Triggered by one little line in a Kenny Rogers' song I was listening to at midnight as I worked away on this huge editing project that has been keeping me glued to my laptop for 12 or more hours a day lately. The line, "If I close my eyes, it doesn't hurt quite so bad. 'Cause tonight I just lost the best friend I ever had." If only I would have paused to take a drink of tea during the next song, "on a warm summer's eve, on a train..." well, you know the rest.
And in that moment...the house quiet...the darkness caved in for a moment. So alone.
A little while later, I stopped my work and downloaded the self portraits I had taken earlier.
I saw this woman's reflection. A spark of something in her eye. A peaceful look on her face. She seems wise. As though she lives on her path and walks in her life. As though she knows.
As I soaked in these images, Deb Talen's words, ones I had been listening to on repeat for a while before Kenny dropped by, echoed in my head "you are a phoenix with your feathers still a little wet...the ashes just look pretty on your eyes...dry your wings in the sun, you have only begun to understand."
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Hope...
I am beginning to understand. I am finding my way. And I am not alone. Even in the loneliest darkness, I have me.
(Little does Thea realize that she actually inspired this post for another reason. On Sunday night, I took another break from editing world, and I dipped into the archives of her blog and found this post which prompted me to buy Deb Talen's CD on iTunes. Thank you friend. Thank you.)
self-portrait
Reader Comments (35)
Fascintating! I just started blogging and have discovered so much already. I am wanting to share my stories with strangers, but still haven't shared my blog with family and friends. In a slightly twisted bizarre way I am just not ready for them. In due time...
Beautiful portraits! Wise revelations! I love that one of the intentions you have for your blog is that in "writing the truth of our lives, we hope that someone out there reading might realize they are not alone." I thank you for that. Know that I am here if ever you simply need to know that you are not alone. Be well.
You are not alone. You are brave and beautiful and hopeful, as your photos show. You give so much to your readers each day...sending you a hug in return. I am not yet ready to share as deeply in my blog, but someday.
oh beautiful, beautiful you! you are hope...i see it...it encourages me to delve a little deeper, risk a little more, live a little fuller...thank you for that..no you are not alone...you have you...and you have us...you have me...you do, my dear...
Nicely done!
Hello Liz,
I had to wait at least 24 hours to tell you how this last post told and showed me about you.
For you...this post told me that YOU ARE GOING TO BE OK.
About you..it showed me a side of you that finally got angry..or maybe you are simmering...don't know. Emotions flowed with simple words..there was no mistaken...I liked it...it rocked.
Maybe it was transient..maybe it wasn't...but it was real. You are real Liz. Liz is real.
Your friend, Julia
The pictures you have shared are so moving to me...cannot explain myself beyond thank you, but your blog has become a touchstone for me as I process through some old rattling bones from my closet. I am not as in touch with my "online journaling self" right now as I have been...I'm exploring other outlets...but, I'm trusting that right now. I'm continuing to believe in "HOPE". Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
all i can say is i totally know what you mean. beautiful portraits. the green is a good color for hope... budding growing life! ~ cheers, jojo
Such a fine, simple message!
I hope you don't mind me taking a bit of this hope for myself. I need a bit over here in Mozambique these days...
:)
i fell in love with these pictures of you as well.
i see so much strength and peace in your eyes.
i am glad you moved through those emotions of feeling alone, with your music, with friendship chats and with your self portraits.
i am with you...we are all with you, beautiful one.
deep love to you,
boho