{SPT} the me who is a pirate
My eyes.
This is what I answer if asked the odd question: what is your favorite part of your body?
My eyes.
For they are not fat. And fat is how I see the rest of me.
But here is the top secret truth: my left eye is the most "flawed" part of my body.
A flaw I cannot fix.
My flaw not too many people know about.
My left eye does not turn to the left. Not even a little bit.
"No it is not a lazy eye." The answer to the question I am always asked.
"But I have never noticed" is what is said next.
Right. You haven't. Because my parents were amazing.
My mother did not want me to feel different.
She taught me to turn my head.
For a little while I wore an eye patch as a child.
A pirate at three.
When I need to see something to the left,
I turn my head.
It is that simple.
So you never notice. And I don't really think about it....
unless...
I am in fourth grade, and the doctors and my parents decide that surgery is a good idea. To move my eye forward, for cosmetic reasons, to make sure that it will not move as I age and take a look around and just see what they find. A teaching hospital. Let's just see if maybe we might be able to do something. I am easily bribed by the promise of a cabbage patch kid with a tooth. But would I have agreed if I would have known the torment a fourth grade classmate would provide during my healing process? "Your eye is all red. Gross." For weeks the redness does not go away. For weeks his words torment me. I wear my mom's sunglasses for the first few days hoping no one will notice the redness. But who doesn't notice the fourth grader in adult sunglasses? (I chuckle through tears as I write that.) I do not want to miss any school. I already missed two weeks at the beginning of the year, I love my teacher, I love reading Caddie Woodlawn, I will not miss any more days.
I am 15 and studying genetics in Biology. This is my favorite part of this class so far. I love punnett squares. On this day, we spend the hour talking about genetic mutations. Mutants. I have never thought about the possibility that my eye is a result of a genetic mutation. A little part of me almost dies that day as I think about Darwin and evolution and the idea that the mutants are not wanted. I talk to my teacher after class, wanting to understand why we would use the word mutation when talking about a person's genes. He is very kind.
I am 22 and have been out with a friend. Someone I feel comfortable with. I am walking to my car, and she calls my name. My eyes are focused on my car as I turn around quickly. I hear, "God, what is wrong with your eyes?" Because my eyes were focused on one thing, but my brain said, "turn back around," she noticed my eye. I can still hear her voice. Loud. Harsh. Cruel. Confused.
I am 25 and realize that I might need glasses for distance. I do not want to go to the eye doctor. I have not been since I was a child. I decide to go to an opthalmologist because maybe he will have seen this before and not be weird about it. As I make the appointment, I explain "my left eye has duane's retraction syndrome. But that is not why I am making the appointment. I am making the appointment because I think I need glasses." "What is that? How do you spell that?" I have to explain. Fine. Still, I hope it won't be weird. But when I get there, I have to see a young woman first. Someone who has not seen this before. Someone who did not know what it means on my chart. Someone who does not know how to react when my eye does not turn. Yes, I know I look normal. But this is what happens when you say, "please follow my pen with your eyes." And when the doctor comes in, "Well, you are quite the celebrity today. Quite a buzz about you in this office. Most of these people have never seen this before, and I have only seen it in books." But I don't want to be a celebrity. I just want to know if I need glasses. I wonder, were those my eyes in the book? Could be, because they took pictures when I was a child. I do not want to follow the pen, the light, your finger to the left over and over again so you can see my eye not turn.
I am 29. And I finally realize my favorite part of this story. The support of family when I was younger. The support, to be honest, that I don't really remember because I never felt different, never noticed my eye, never had trouble reading, seeing, playing, and so on...the support that happened before my memories really began. The support that caused me to have to think about which eye had the problem because I never noticed it growing up. The support that began as soon as my parents realized something was wrong. I imagine the fear and confusion they must have felt. "What is wrong with her eye? What is happening? What did we do? Can she use it? Will she read? What do we do?" But they did something. They did not ignore it. Hours holding the red apple is front of me and teaching me to turn my head. And support from my grandfather through his offer to see if the doctors could take the muscle from his left eye. He was born with mostly blindness in that eye and wanted to give me any parts of his eye that would work and help me not be different. Not a possibility but the offer of the gift is even greater than actually receiving it.
They said I wouldn't read or wouldn't read very well. My mother did not believe them. She spent hours doing what she could to help me realize that I was in control of my eyes, how I would turn my head, how I would see things. I wore the eye patch for a few months so that I would turn my head. It became so automatic that the eye patch was not needed, and it was almost like the eye patch became invisible. She taught me to turn my head so that I would embrace this flaw. This flaw I never really think about because it does not affect me. They said I wouldn't read very well. But I read for a living...hmmm...guess they are not always right.
I would not change it. I know this secret that I hold. I am a pirate who travels the world through the books that live on the shelves in my home. A pirate who can see it all...
see more "all of me" posts on self portrait tuesday
edited on 5/27/07 to add: if you have arrived at this post because you or your child (or someone else close to you) has duane's retraction syndrome, please feel free to email me at waywardtulip at gmail dot com. and, if i could give parents words of wisdom from my experiences, i would say this: if you can afford for your child to have surgery to help with the movement and appearance of the eye (even if it is only cosmetically), do so. i believe that part of the reason i have been able to embrace this "pirate" in me is because visually, others do not notice that there is a problem with my eye. as a result, duane's did not affect my self-esteem about how i look. people might try to tell you that the surgery isn't necessary. but life is hard enough without feeling like you look different than others.
liz lamoreux
Reader Comments (30)
That entry once again made me cry and reaffirmed a decision we made in regards to our daughter. When she was younger she got craniosyntesis or "flat head" it causes her forehead to protrude a little and her alignment is off in her face. The neurologist wanted her in a helmet that I couldn't stomach her being in until she was two. She would have had to wear it 23 hours a day, sleep and have pictures in it. Knowing later on she was different. Our insurance refused to pay for the helmet since it was considered a cosmetic issue and not developmental. My husband and I made the decision early on to not make her feel different about it. She has to get checked for it every year and she will never be able to wear short hair without showing that her head is more eggshaped and round with a flat spot. But just like your mom, I never wanted her to feel different. So I make sure she doesn't feel different because of it. It is so easy for our society to get caught up in what is normal or should be normal when all the while we probably each carry around our weakness or issue that we don't point out. I respect your mom for her decision and seeing you grown up and how you feel about it makes me feel better about the decision I made.
Wow Liz, this was amazing, powerful, heartbreaking. It strikes a chord with me because I have an anomaly that I always think of on a cellular level. I have 2 uterus and 2 cervix but 1 set of tubes ~ the right tube connects to the right and the left the left so the 2 really are 1. Usually with this anomaly, 1 side is dormant or atrophied but mine are perfectly developed, just slightly smaller. I've been at teaching hospitals where I've had a class come in. I get a lot of 'oh wow's' when I had sonograms and I also had to see what side I was pregnant. My difference doesn't show so I think it's easier to deal with.
Thank you for sharing this story and I like that your a pirate ~ women pirates are especially cool and sexy!!
Very powerful post, pirate girl! The amazing things we learn to do to cope in a sometimes harsh world.
But the sentence that really struck me the hardest was, "For they are not fat. And fat is how I see the rest of me." That self-perception seems more cruel to me than anything you endured with your eye. Yet, I understand it at my core...how we tear away at ourselves in harsher ways than any stranger ever would. Why do you think that is?
I was a pirate too! I am "legally blind" in my right eye. I can see shapes and colors and shadows and the big E, but that's it. When I was little, I had to wear the patch to try to strengthen this eye. I hated the patch. And like you, I hate having to go to the eye doctor or worse the DMV, when getting my license. Do you refer to yours as "the good eye" and the "bad eye". I do. I love that you read for a living! I want to read for a living too. How do you become an editor?
shannon - i am so glad that this post reaffirmed your decision with your daughter. i am forever grateful for the strength of my mother through everything, and i am sure your daughter will be too.
acumamakiki - thank you for sharing your story. i often forget that my difference "does show" because people really never notice it. still, we know don't we? At the same time - this is what makes us our unique selves. and girl pirates as sexy - thanks for that image!
beansprout - thank you for your kind words and for this post this inspired you to make on your blog today.
shari - my fellow pirate! yes i do say "my bad eye" and "my good eye." thank you for sharing that you know my world. As for becoming an editor (especially one who freelances)...the short answer from what i can tell in my year and a half - it's all about being at the right place at the right time.
What a beautiful entry. This experience meant different things for you at different times, and I am happy that in the end you have come to embrace it. I am a weirdo - I am fascinated by scars, injuries, quirks, etc. I once dated a guy whose right eye moved back and forth rapidly fairly often. I loved it.
By the way - when I make myself go "cross-eyed" it is really only one eye that moves, thereby creeping everyone out. I do it a lot just to hear all the variations of "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" ;)
WOW. i don't have the words...
I am so touched and inspired by your story and self-reflection. What a beautiful, sensitive and honest way you have of seeing the world, Pirate Girl.
oh, Liz... what an incredible story. Amazing parents indeed... I am so impressed with the time and effort your mom took with you... reacting in such a way -- with love and respect and genuine sincerity -- seems to have helped you accept your difference instead of resenting it. ~melanie
What a truly touching story you have shared with us! You are such an amazing woman...my heart broke with you as you were teased as a child and rejoiced with you as you superceded the doctor's expectations. Such strenth you have...and such very beautiful eyes.
xoxo
Those eyes--and all they see and know --are truly amazing. Thank you for this wise and beautiful story.
Wow, that is such an amazing entry.
Really fascinating and touching read - your parents sound amazing, and I'm sure that learning to deal with this has shaped you in ways you can't even imagine. Would you be the same person? So interesting. There's a character in my novel who is "different" in a highly visible way and it shapes who he is in profound and unexpected ways. I love the idea of that, and was engrossed by your storytelling!
This is a beautiful essay (it should be published, my dear...I mean in addition to your blog!) I do have one thing to say though: FAT?! Thank you for sharing this part of yourself with us.
swirly - thanks for making me laugh
eekat - sometimes that is okay
jamie - thanks for stopping by...i appreciate your words.
melanie - my mom was amazing about this. and thank you for reminding me about the love and respect she has for me.
tara, patry and debr - thank you for your kind words
laini - i would not be the same. period. i would not. and i wouldn't want to be anybody else. (and I can't wait to read your book)
marilyn - ahhh...fat...well, sometimes, yes, this is all i see. thanks for the idea to publish... hmmm...i should think about this a bit.
Thank you for teaching me something new today - a great piece of writing. And what a wonderful offer your grandfather made.
thank you so much for sharing this story. my son was diagnosed at the beginning of this school year with
a "lazy" eye but that from the outside,
looked as though it should work
perfectly...
instead, he had next to no vision in
that eye.
we had no idea.
i cannot tell you how bad of a mother
i felt to have to keep explaining to
people that i didn't notice...we
didn't see any signs...he seemed to see fine...god, the gut-wrenching guilty feeling.
he is patching his good eye right now
and getting along fine with it...
your post made me see things a little
more from what his perspective would be like...although his story is
different yet the same...
thanks again for sharing that...
i am in love with your story,only through your eyes could i see how you feel...you are beautiful and so very blessed to have such an amazing outlook and family.
xooxo,
denise
This story shows us about your genes for sure...your parents and your grandfather, and who they were and how you became YOU! Wonderful genetics, I would say.
Lucky beautiful you.
You do have beautiful eyes, Liz!
And a beautiful post. I love your parents.
Aaarrrr!
This was such an incredible story. Full of hope and stregnth and just so interesting to me. I found the comments to be every interesting as well; especially the ones about your parents. They do sound amazing...the thing is I bet your Mom at times didn't feel so amazing...that she was just doing the best she could. Sometimes people comment on my blog about how lucky my children must be to see me create art...but sometimes I know they just want me to play more while I am doing things like typing on the computer! I like hearing different perspectives. My brother has a lazy eye and I always thought it was kind of cool to look at...I am going to have to ask him what other ways it effected him.
what an amazing story! thank you for sharing!
you have beautiful, beautiful eyes. and they so reflect your beautiful, beautiful soul.
thank you so much for sharing your story. i was so touched by the strength and support your family showed you. i'm sorry that you have a lot of painful memories around this, but i love how you've embraced the pirate in you. (((hugs)))
oh wow liz! first i was crying over the wounds that others inflicted because of their lack of understanding. then i was crying because of the beauty of a family who supported you and believed in you...and a grandfather's selfless offering. and then i was crying because of all that you have learned and your incredible strength. i love the pirate in you.
What a moving and beautiful post......thanks for sharing.