enclosed in music {self-portrait challenge}

I sit and look in the mirror, listening to Deb Talan sing in my ear. Then I join in and harmonize with her.

Serenading myself has become a new experience for me. I always sing, but actually singing to myself on purpose is something new. In certain moments, it seems to be holding me together.

enclosed in a moment {self-portrait challenge}

This month’s topic at self-portrait challenge is enclosed spaces. I have been exploring the idea of being enclosed in my body.

Today I was enclosed in a moment with my body.

In this last week, my energy around the reflection meditation has become a bit more about “oh I forgot again and it is 11:00 p.m.” and less “this is the time I have set aside to do this.”

Today, I changed that. I created a practice. My plan is to partake in the extended version I did today at least once a week. But each day, I will do at least a piece of this practice.

I created a space for myself in our family room. Propping up the mirror that usually sits on our mantel, using a small stool as a table, changing into something that makes me feel good, putting on a little make-up. I made a pot of tea for one and a small plate of treats.

I sat down in front of the mirror and lit a candle and stated my intention.

I chanted to Shiva, hoping to gain strength and the ability to detach from all that flits back and forth in my mind.

I opened my eyes and looked at my reflection.

I had a tea party with my own reflection, eating a little chocolate, some walnuts, and rainier cherries.

I took some pictures of myself.

I watched myself in the mirror, noticing how it felt to be in my body, in these clothes, in this day.

I honored my body and its curves.

I acknowledged a power greater than me and blew out the candle.

This meditation is about accepting that my outer self and my inner self are one. It is about being as gentle with my physical body as I believe I should be with my emotional body because they both make up me.

Is there a separation between the outer and inner physical self? Do the voices of others speak so loudly in our heads that we forget to honor that inner beauty is the outer beauty? Will we allow the expectations of the “shoulds” to take over who we want to be? These are the questions that swirl around me tonight as I sit here hoping you are being gentle with yourself. That you are honoring your physical and emotional bodies. Hoping you are owning your beauty.

enclosed in my body week 2 {self-portrait challenge}

Today, I again feel like my body is enclosed in itself. My back pain is getting a little better each day, but today it is this constant dull ache. Yesterday, there was really no pain and I felt so free.

This morning, I went to the doctor because the ER insisted I have a follow-up with my primary care physician (even though I had never met him, he has been my PCP for two years—gotta love health care in this country). I wanted a referral for an acupuncturist, which I will receive after I pick one from a list of 10 not knowing anything about any of them.

The doctor acted like he wasn’t really sure why I was there and didn’t really know what he could do to help me. He dismissed what my yoga teacher (who was a PT before teaching yoga) and I thought about it being SI pain, thinking I was trying to diagnose myself with something called Piriformis Syndrome that I had never even heard of until today. He acted like doctors in the “know” don’t believe in it, which was fine by me since I had never heard of it but have to admit I wonder if it might be what is going on because of where the pain is. Anyway, after being treated like I didn’t really know my own body and that my yoga teacher doesn’t know anything (he didn’t give me a chance to explain that she knows EVERYTHING and that doctors in Seattle send their patients to her and that she was actually part of a health study done by my health insurance, the one that pays his bills because it is actually a healthcare network that he is a part of—the recent one in publication in papers across the country about how back pain is decreased by practicing yoga, especially viniyoga), he sat down and started typing all the information in the computer like they do now. Even though I wasn’t asked if I had any questions, I took that opportunity to ask if he thought this was something that would continue throughout my life or if stretches and taking care of myself would help me to avoid it. I guess I already knew the answer that one really can’t know and that stretching and keeping the body flexible is important because of our sedentary society and blah, blah, blah. But then he threw this one in “and maintaining proper body weight to avoid pressure on the back.”

And that was when the little tears that have been threatening to fall for the last six hours started to pinprick on the back of my eyeballs. He kept talking about other things and how he thought I would be fine based on how the pain had already significantly decreased, my desire to get better, and so on. He didn’t explain if he meant “lose weight you big tub” or if he just meant to keep that in mind. He, having never seen me before, didn’t take the time to notice that since I had my last appointment for my annual exam I had lost eight pounds. No. He just threw that little comment out into the world for my ears to hear and my heart to absorb.

So today, I am struggling with looking at any picture of myself, trying to crop out any bit of fat arm, yet forcing myself to look at the double chin that is a part of me. I can’t imagine how I will face the mirror to reflect on it all unless I actually allow myself to have the “sob fest” that is sitting on my heart, threatening to burst open at any minute.

This feeling of being trapped, enclosed in my body is about more than just my back pain this week. It is about all that “stuff” that sits inside my heart. That stuff about how I look and how much I weigh and how it feels to know that losing weight would be better for my health, my self esteem, my heart, my soul. That stuff that invites a feeling of emptiness around the heart instead of the understanding that the emptiness is space waiting to be filled with joy.

I am sure he is a fine doctor. And I know I am one of many patients. I just wish people would take the time to remember they are talking to a person. A person with feelings and a heart who is sitting in a robe feeling vulnerable and scared. A person who has to leave that little examine room and carry on with the tiny pieces of information shared in the least amount of time possible. That person. Today. That person was me.

see more self-portraits here.

my body as an enclosed space {self portrait challenge}

This week, my body prevents me from physically tucking inside an enclosed space and taking a picture for this month's self portrait challenge of tight spaces.

My body is my enclosed space this week. The aches in my back, hip, and down my leg have invited me to feel trapped in my own body. This body is used to stretching and bending and reaching and twisting. I love to forward bend in my yoga practice. I love to teach forward bending. I love to exhale into twists and feel my body open as I move out of the twist. But right now, my body cannot do any of this.

Tomorrow, I will meet with my yoga teacher in the hopes of freeing myself from some of this body claustrophobia. I keep singing that Queen song..."I want to break free....I want to break free." Yes. Three days of feeling trapped in my body is enough for me.

as a meditation {self portrait challenge} and another invitation

self portrait as a meditation (for self portrait challenge)

Last Friday, I wrote about taking self portraits and how this exercise has invited me to look at myself physically. I also wrote about being inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert’s article in the August issue of Yoga Journal. She describes a time in her life when she had a daily practice of looking in the mirror at herself to find the beauty. Her beauty. Even though this invites various emotions inside my head and heart, I am going to begin this practice. A daily reflection meditation.

My practice will begin August 1st and continue for at least two months. I know me, and I know how hard it is for me to stick with something that might be a challenge, so I am committing to this today. I am going to check in about it here, each Wednesday, during these two months. And I hope a couple of you will gently hold me accountable as needed.

Over the last few days, some of you have expressed an interest in joining me in this practice. I appreciate that each person may have varying levels of interest, but I feel the need to put this out in the universe:

Will you commit to two months of this reflection meditation with me?

Here are some things to think about if you decide to say yes:

Find a place in your house where you can be alone, just you and a mirror.
Find a time just for you. Let family know you will need a few minutes to yourself.
Turn the ringer off the phone/move it to another room/choose a room without a phone; commit to letting go of the outside world during this time.
You might want to use a small notebook or journal to write down a reflection after you finish the meditation.
There is no time limit or expectation. Some of us may start at 30 seconds, others at 5 minutes; let your heart guide you to figure out what works for you.

I will continue to post ideas and encouragement during the next two months. I want to balance the idea of the importance of community through this experience while honoring the deeply personal practice of this meditation. I believe the community already exists in blog world and participating in something like this, and blogging about it if you like, will only make this community stronger. At this point, I am not going to create a list of participants. However, if you want to, you could email me, and let me know you are joining the meditation. I appreciate that some people may choose not to blog about this but would still like to let me know they will participate, and I would love to be able to check in with you throughout the experience.

Next Monday, I will post a meditation that you can use to get you started with this practice. 

I hope some of you will come along on the journey.
Namaste.