an invitation...to really look
Taking self portraits of myself has become part of my routine over the last few months. To pose for the camera, to pose just for me, to look at myself. After taking lots of pictures (except in March when I took just one a day), I look at them and often hear that inner voice who just wants to let me know that I am not pretty. Eventually, I find the one photo that I can share with, well the world, but also the photo I can agree on, with myself, to stare at whenever I come to this page.
My journey has been about the work inside. Unpacking the baggage, looking at it to see if there is something to learn, if there are reasons amidst some of the shit. Looking at the moments I am triggered and why, looking at the patterns, and so on, but also to recognize the beauty that is there, that is part of my life. The beauty of the world around me, of the people in my life, of the path I am on, and the beauty inside me. But throughout this, there is this piece of beauty on the outside. The other stuff seems like the hard stuff. But this outside piece, accepting my physical looks, this is a big part of the baggage as well. I have just been so focused on the inner stuff because it is easier, on some level, than…well, than looking at the outside…of me.
As I mentioned on Tuesday’s post, on Monday, when I took this week’s self portraits, I felt something shift as I looked at my face on the computer screen in front of me. There have been moments of this over the past few months, a whisper of self-acceptance. There has been an awakening and a determination to get over my negative body image and “face beauty” issues. But it then it goes back to a whisper, and most of the time, I just forget to listen for it.
In the August issue of Yoga Journal, Elizabeth Gilbert (the author of the "much talked about in blog world" book Eat, Pray, Love – a book I really want to read) writes about finding her own beauty. After realizing she was wrapped up in being self-critical of her looks to the extent it was consuming her, she asked a yogi friend of hers what she should do. The woman recommended she spend time, every day, looking in the mirror until she recognized her own beauty.
A piece of my negative physical image is about my body: Not being thin enough, always being “my biggest friend,” not being able to find clothes sometimes, having clerks give me "that look" when I walk in certain stores. But another piece is wanting to feel pretty. Wanting to be one of the pretty ones. Wanting to see my face as pretty. As Gilbert says, “A person’s face is, you might say, the spokesperson for the soul.” Yes. And I want people to see my soul, but first they see my face. The face that often has multiple chins. The face that looks tired and is gathering wrinkles each day.
As I read about Gilbert’s experience, I began to wonder if I could have a daily meditation where I sit across from myself, all alone, in the quiet, and look at my own face. I could start with one minute…or maybe 30 seconds. And work my way up to a few minutes. Each day. Until I recognize me.
The idea is that you have to accept the shell that carries your soul, before you can let go. Let go of the desire to be the pretty one, of the ego involved, of the past that might hold you a bit too tight. Let go to be free of the way your body image weighs you down when you are trying to fly.
Do you want to join me? We could start with 5 seconds, 45 seconds, 2 minutes. We could do this together. A daily meditation of reflection. A daily meditation to recognize the beauty.
mirror meditation, self-portrait
Reader Comments (29)
do you live in my mind dear one? I read this article in my issue of Yoga Journal and immediately thought about the self-portrait project. I feel a lot like you about my self portraits, but as time is going by, I am seeing signs of another woman. I'm totally in to participating in this meditation with you.
I,too will share this journey with you. Like you I have a very negative self image,so much so that I did't want boho to include my pic in my banner. I want to accept myself for the way I am. I have often thought one of the things if I could have a wish would be to feel pretty for one time in my life. So yes, I will join you.
I just want to say that you have a beautiful face - it surprises me to read that you don't think so ... Hope that helps!
I find your journey of self-portaiture inspiring -- it's still a very awkward thing for me; I haven't been able to bring myself to do it for a while. I look so different in self-portraits than I do in the mirror and it's so disconcerting! There are some bloggers who are always posting photos of their lovely selves with such wonderful abandon; I haven't been able to find a photo of me to replace my weird profile photo. Maybe a baby picture!
And as for your face, Liz, you have such a vibrant, sparkling, beautiful, open, warm, soulful face! Never doubt that!
you
are
beautiful.
i do believe this bloggie world and the concept of self portraits has started a revolution of self acceptance and awareness.
it's all about those bouncy balls, my friend.
i love you,
boho
I am with you, 110%. Perhaps we should start another "team" blog, one where we could write specifically about our journey--together and apart.
Thank you for posting so authentically.
There is so much i want to say my friend - there isn't enough space in this coments box, so i'm going to email you right now.... x
Hope I'm not out of line to tell you that I think you're very pretty. Men walk around unshaven and smelly and, of course, it's always the women who don't like how they look.
Liz, having met you in person, I can attest that you are luminous. Bright, shining, sparkly, loving, open, sweet, kind, beautiful. As Laini said, never doubt that. And the rest I think I'll put in an email...
i beleive you are a beautiful person.
i see it in your pictures,
i hear it in your voice through
meditations,
i read it in your words,
i see it in the comments you leave,
so sweetly, like little gifts,
for me
and for so many others...
:)
Liz, I read your post last night and didn't comment because I couldn't seem to put into words what I wanted to say. I looked at your self-portraits, all of them, and all I can see is a truly beautiful woman. It's so sad that we don't accept our own beauty, that somehow in this world we've learned to pick ourselves apart, too much this, not enough that, when we would never be as cruel to another person. When I look at your pictures I see a Woman - sassy, flirty, smart, sexy, open, kind. On your face I see a true smile, the kind of full smile the world needs, cheeks that move into happy shapes when you smile, eyes with true depth, echoing who you are inside. And eyebrows. I love eyebrows anyway and yours are great. Good eyebrows speak whole sentences by themselves. I know pretty when I see it, it's my business. 25 years of looking at faces gives one a practiced eye. And yes, I'm horribly self critical. It doesn't take much to throw me back to feeling like an ugly, awkward teenager. I have learned, though, not to hate myself.
I look at your portraits and they make me happpy-I love the color of your skin the deepness of your eyes-that gorgeous smile and gorgeous eyebrows.
You my dear are beautiful...and I am celebrating you are finding this, opening to it.
I have been imagining myself exactly how I want to see myself-really feeling it-
I would love to participate in your meditation.
I am totally in! It's exactly what I need right now.
And I too think you are a beautiful soul, I can see it through both your words and your photos. Everyday.
I'll let you know how her book is too!
I am in. I can look at you and see your beauty. You might look at a picture of me and see (I cringe to say it!) mine, but I don't sit and look expecting to see it in me. So, I'm willing to try this. I'd love to be able to accept me, and would love company on the journey. Thanks for the suggestion.
I wish I could tell you how beautiful you really are and I wish you could see what we all see my dear. I'm always a little shocked when I see a photo of myself and how much it doesn't match the picture I have of myself in my mind's eye. I can pick apart every photo I've ever published and I publish the ugly ones on purpose; so you can see me in all the ways that I am. While I wish to be physically beautiful, I wish MORE to have peace of mind. This is what we're all working on and when I meet you this August, I will tell you again.
I'm signing on for this too! I think it is a beautiful, necessary act of honoring our self. These noses, eyes, hair, skin will never ever exist again in our unique combinations. It is such a struggle somehow though, to sweep aside crippling self-judgments but I am on the journey with you Liz! AND I hope you can see you through my eyes as I find you to be a beautiful, delightful woman inside and outside.
what a powerful invitation you've given us, liz! perhaps you would be willing to record your lovely voice again on occasion..to help us along? count me in...you are truly a beautiful soul, and you are impacting so many of us with your words...thank you...
Liz, you are so beautiful with your sweet face and high wattage smile. I swear, I would feel at ease upon first meeting you which is a rare thing for me. I just went through your Flickr archive and I was so touched by your photos, your family. Many of them were so personal - the one with your grandma made me want to send a million hugs your way. Kisses, love, kisses...
Self-acceptance is so hard and it's something that I've been struggling with for a lifetime. I'll take at least 100 self-portraits before I see one that I deem suitable for all to see. It's so funny, too, because I don't even end up liking the one that I choose, only "it's less ugly than the rest." Isn't it a shame that we use such a hateful word to describe ourselves?
My own behaviour worries me because I have two daughters who will likely struggle with the same thoughts and feelings. In an effort to educate them, I'm going to do this meditation with them. Thank you, thank you for posting this!
This reminded me so much of an excercise we did when I got my Nia white belt. All the women in the intensive training had to sit in front of the dance studio's big mirror and simply look at ourselves for 10 minutes. It was much harder than I could have imagined, and many of the women in the group ended up in tears.
Like you, I struggle with a very negative inner voice that has led me down the road of all the forms of disordered eating possible - anorexia, bulimia and compulsive eating. Right now I have a pretty healthy handle on the whole eating thing, but that darn voice keeps shouting out that I am fat, that I need to lose weight. Ugh. I'm tired of that voice, and it made it really hard just to stare at myself in the mirror without being negative.
The thing that struck me the most, though, was how much I like my eyes. I remember you saying this in an earlier post. :) What I pondered during the mirror exercise was the fact that my eyes (not the eyelids or the skin underneath, but the actual iris and pupil) have been the same my entire life, and will continue to resist the outside physical changes as I get older. That was a nice feeling, and sadly one of the few I could muster up that day...
Thanks for sharing this, and I think your meditation idea is great.
Liz this is something that i have been discussing a lot recently. Susannah and I have many conversations about this, often daily. why is it that we all share the same insecurities?
we all know that beauty, true beauty lies within, but this is no comfort when we feel that we look bad.
i have never been confortable with having my photo taken for example, and am only just coming to terms with looking at ME. when the photo staring back at you doesn't FEEL like you. you know.
but liz, i think that us starting to accept how we look, finding the things we do like about ourselves is a positive start to perhaps liking all of ourselves, externally i mean.
we all need to start really feeling it on the inside and this will shine through.will radiate out from us.
you're a gorgeous girl with a gorgeous heart, and this is what everyone else sees....
xxx
You are beautiful, Liz. And I'm glad you are starting to hear those whispers telling you that you are. I know those voices will grow louder over time. (It helps if you wear your tiara.)
Hi.
beautiful beautiful beautiful pursuit-- this practice is sure to shift the whole world, and not just your private galaxy.
~bluepoppy
i'll sit beside you...
so much of what you say here resonates with me. like you i am all about the inner beauty and doing my soul work. and yes sometimes i use that to cover up the fact that i'm not comfortable with my appearance--with my belly, my thighs, my height, my feet, my face. i'll have moments, moments when i'm ready to stop turning away. and i'll do good for awhile, really good, and then the turning away starts up again. *sigh*
i was reading the thief post when i thought of something i needed to tell you. i don't know if you read jennifer's blog (she said she'd think about it--if not there's a link on my blog), but some time back she started an exercise where she decided to write about different body parts and her journey with those parts. it is an attempt to heal the turning away from hereself that she has been doing for years. her writings have been incredible, really amazing. when she started she extended an invitation for others to join her and at the time i just couldn't, i couldn't go there yet. things were tough with trey and i was feeling so lonely that any focus on my body would only remind me that i couldn't remember the last time i'd been touched, really touched. i was afraid that sadness would suffocate me if i tried to do any of the body writings. i think i'm ready. my reaction to this post leaves me feeling like i am ready.
and i think you've inspired me to maybe record this journey in an art journal or altered book...hmmm...i'm gonna have to think about it a little more...
now back to rebecca...
I have to say something on this post - how you described feeling (people seeing the face before the soul), is how I feel all the time. I don't find myself beautiful, don't like looking at photos of myself and want people to see something other than my outer. To look inside and see that there is an intelligent, but more than that I want to look at myself and smile or be content.
I'm with you on the daily reflection task!