an invitation...to really look
Taking self portraits of myself has become part of my routine over the last few months. To pose for the camera, to pose just for me, to look at myself. After taking lots of pictures (except in March when I took just one a day), I look at them and often hear that inner voice who just wants to let me know that I am not pretty. Eventually, I find the one photo that I can share with, well the world, but also the photo I can agree on, with myself, to stare at whenever I come to this page.
My journey has been about the work inside. Unpacking the baggage, looking at it to see if there is something to learn, if there are reasons amidst some of the shit. Looking at the moments I am triggered and why, looking at the patterns, and so on, but also to recognize the beauty that is there, that is part of my life. The beauty of the world around me, of the people in my life, of the path I am on, and the beauty inside me. But throughout this, there is this piece of beauty on the outside. The other stuff seems like the hard stuff. But this outside piece, accepting my physical looks, this is a big part of the baggage as well. I have just been so focused on the inner stuff because it is easier, on some level, than…well, than looking at the outside…of me.
As I mentioned on Tuesday’s post, on Monday, when I took this week’s self portraits, I felt something shift as I looked at my face on the computer screen in front of me. There have been moments of this over the past few months, a whisper of self-acceptance. There has been an awakening and a determination to get over my negative body image and “face beauty” issues. But it then it goes back to a whisper, and most of the time, I just forget to listen for it.
In the August issue of Yoga Journal, Elizabeth Gilbert (the author of the "much talked about in blog world" book Eat, Pray, Love – a book I really want to read) writes about finding her own beauty. After realizing she was wrapped up in being self-critical of her looks to the extent it was consuming her, she asked a yogi friend of hers what she should do. The woman recommended she spend time, every day, looking in the mirror until she recognized her own beauty.
A piece of my negative physical image is about my body: Not being thin enough, always being “my biggest friend,” not being able to find clothes sometimes, having clerks give me "that look" when I walk in certain stores. But another piece is wanting to feel pretty. Wanting to be one of the pretty ones. Wanting to see my face as pretty. As Gilbert says, “A person’s face is, you might say, the spokesperson for the soul.” Yes. And I want people to see my soul, but first they see my face. The face that often has multiple chins. The face that looks tired and is gathering wrinkles each day.
As I read about Gilbert’s experience, I began to wonder if I could have a daily meditation where I sit across from myself, all alone, in the quiet, and look at my own face. I could start with one minute…or maybe 30 seconds. And work my way up to a few minutes. Each day. Until I recognize me.
The idea is that you have to accept the shell that carries your soul, before you can let go. Let go of the desire to be the pretty one, of the ego involved, of the past that might hold you a bit too tight. Let go to be free of the way your body image weighs you down when you are trying to fly.
Do you want to join me? We could start with 5 seconds, 45 seconds, 2 minutes. We could do this together. A daily meditation of reflection. A daily meditation to recognize the beauty.
mirror meditation, self-portrait
Reader Comments (29)
I am late to comment here--late to join in the conversation...but it is one that is so incredibly important to me. I have been devoted to a new blog lately that deals with issues of women and body image--it has gotten a lot of attention, so you may have heard already about this, but it is the "www.shapeofamother.blogspot.com". Here, mothers are daring to take their clothes off and show other women what REAL post-partum bodies look like. It is of a similar mind as your promotion of self-love and acceptance.
As a woman who has gone up the scales with pregnancies and down again, I feel in tune with issues of body size in ways I wasn't before. Now, I am suffering (and I mean that in every sense of the word) with a painful stomach condition and I can barely eat. I've gone from "Oh, I look too fat in this" to haggard. My bones reveal themselves--the scale dips ever lower. I feel drained and uncomfortable with my shriveled self and yet women I know who don't know of my illness say, "Wow, you look so great! What are you doing?"
Your post has inspired me to sit with you and the other women above and look at myself without judgement today. I am trying to heal...right now, that is enough. Thank you so much.
well, probably being the oldest of your commenters here ;), there is some acceptance, either through sheer exhaustion of raising a child, or having so many other wonderful things that occupy my mind now. Of course, that was not the case when I was younger, always looking, wanting me to be more, wanting thinner even when I was thin, prettier when I was acceptable ... well, you know the drill. But there is a time, no matter what I look like now, no matter how much weight I gain, no matter how folks look at me at work (and I know they are thinking, man, Kim should have dabbed a little makeup on today) that I simply do not care. Now, does that mean I don't care what they think, or I don't care what I look like. I am not sure. Because sometimes I see photos of myself and I say, that can't be me! So where is my self-acceptance then? I eat, drink, and be happy. Although my friend and I have considered Weight Watchers, because, well, I am getting up there, and probably for health reasons should drop a few, twenty pounds.
But anyhoo ... I think YOU are adorable, beautiful, friendly, true, lovely, your weight looks fine to me.....But there is always that acceptance that we must find within ourselves.
Liz Elayne, you're freaking me out. I just wrote a piece last night about this very issue and Lynn asked if I'd read yours, which I hadn't until just now (I was out of the country last Friday when you wrote it and am still catching up online). Thank you for being so much more articulate about it!!
"You have to accept the shell that carries your soul, before you can let go. Let go of the desire to be the pretty one, of the ego involved, of the past that might hold you a bit too tight. Let go to be free of the way your body image weighs you down when you are trying to fly." I love those words, Liz, and I hope you don't mind that I have added them to my collection of favorite quotes. Simply beautiful.