reflecting on a reflection

Something interesting has happened over the last few weeks. I have been looking at myself in the mirror for a few minutes, almost every day, and I have started to see someone else.

This is somewhat challenging to explain. But it is as though I have begun to feel comfortable with this person who stares back at me, and we have previously unknown level of familiarity.
She looks me in the eye. And her eyes are softer and a little more accepting of what she sees when she sees me.

And when I look at her, I pause to really look. I don’t just look up quickly and move on. I take time and honor who she is, even if only for a moment. This happens when I brush my teeth or wash my hands and look up into the mirror or when I unexpectedly spot my reflection somewhere. I pause and honor this person who stares back at me.

And she looks different.

Sometimes you see people only in pictures and then when you see them in person, they look different. Not bad or better, just different. They become alive for you. Maybe you have seen pictures of a friend’s sibling and then when you meet him, he looks similar but now he is moving and breathing and laughing. You see beyond one millisecond in time.

This is how I feel when I look in the mirror.

I kind of love it. I feel like I am meeting myself for the first time. Seeing beyond a frozen sense of self and into the deep, wide places of who I really am. And it isn’t scary or someplace I do not want to go. It is just me.

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If you have been looking in the mirror during the last few weeks, what are you seeing? An old friend? A new one? New layers of who you thought you were? Confirmation of who you always knew you could be?

And if you aren't taking part in this meditation, I invite you to get up, walk over to a mirror, and look for a moment. What do you see? Who do you see?

enclosed in a moment {self-portrait challenge}

This month’s topic at self-portrait challenge is enclosed spaces. I have been exploring the idea of being enclosed in my body.

Today I was enclosed in a moment with my body.

In this last week, my energy around the reflection meditation has become a bit more about “oh I forgot again and it is 11:00 p.m.” and less “this is the time I have set aside to do this.”

Today, I changed that. I created a practice. My plan is to partake in the extended version I did today at least once a week. But each day, I will do at least a piece of this practice.

I created a space for myself in our family room. Propping up the mirror that usually sits on our mantel, using a small stool as a table, changing into something that makes me feel good, putting on a little make-up. I made a pot of tea for one and a small plate of treats.

I sat down in front of the mirror and lit a candle and stated my intention.

I chanted to Shiva, hoping to gain strength and the ability to detach from all that flits back and forth in my mind.

I opened my eyes and looked at my reflection.

I had a tea party with my own reflection, eating a little chocolate, some walnuts, and rainier cherries.

I took some pictures of myself.

I watched myself in the mirror, noticing how it felt to be in my body, in these clothes, in this day.

I honored my body and its curves.

I acknowledged a power greater than me and blew out the candle.

This meditation is about accepting that my outer self and my inner self are one. It is about being as gentle with my physical body as I believe I should be with my emotional body because they both make up me.

Is there a separation between the outer and inner physical self? Do the voices of others speak so loudly in our heads that we forget to honor that inner beauty is the outer beauty? Will we allow the expectations of the “shoulds” to take over who we want to be? These are the questions that swirl around me tonight as I sit here hoping you are being gentle with yourself. That you are honoring your physical and emotional bodies. Hoping you are owning your beauty.

finding the joy {a meditation}

At the end of this post there is a meditation...
but a couple of other things first.

Thank you all for your kind comments about my Sunday Scribblings post. Your words fill my heart. I am so grateful that I can come here to this space and write and someone reads my words and a connection is made...
but I want to let you know that...

I do watch Project Runway, Survivor, and this last season of American Idol. My current favorite summer program is Entourage on HBO. Johnny Drama is the funniest character on television in my opinion.
I sometimes get really pissed off and say the worst kinds of words (my husband will nod his head when he reads this).
We subscribe to Entertainment Weekly and I often read it right before I go to sleep because I have found it helps me to avoid nightmares (and if you subscribe too, check out their article about Mr. Gibson this week...wow).
I recently spent way too much money on clothes and other stuff to try to measure up to my very cool, thin, beautiful friends.
I ate at McDonald's for dinner tonight. Ugh.
If I had to choose between a bowl of haagen daz ice cream and spending a day with a friend who only wants to talk about herself and not ask me how I am doing, I would choose the ice cream every time. (Wish someone would give me that choice sometimes.)

but I also...
Read poetry to feel grounded.
Organize my theology and philosophy and other spiritual books in a way that I hope the authors talk to one another while sitting on the shelf (I have probably already told you this but I have just moved a few and thought of it again). Maybe they will solve some of the world's problems and I will receive some of their energy.
Cry when my mom sends me a dishtowel she found that had a note attached to it from my grandmother to me. (Why is it that seeing the handwriting invites so much longing? Something tactile in front of you I guess.)
Am not talking about anyone who reads this blog in the ice cream comment. I am just sayin' some people suck the life out of you and ice cream, chocolate creamy ice cream, can simply be a better friend.
Believe blogging has reintroduced me to myself.
Drink daily mugs of woodsy green tea to feel a connection to the earth. 

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This is another meditation that could be used in conjunction with the daily mirror reflection some of us are participating in this month and next.

edited 1/24/11: There used to be an audio meditation here but the service I used to house the audio file no longer exists. The "space around your heart" (downloadable) audio meditation in the sidebar could be used with the mirror meditation I write about on my blog. You could keep your eyes open, looking in the mirror, during the meditation or you could do the meditation in front of the mirror with your eyes closed and then open then at the end, noticing how you feel.

looking at the outside becomes a peek inside

Yesterday, as I sat looking at myself on the first day of the reflection meditation, I had three distinct thoughts.
The first came as I tried to get comfortable. Last week, I decided I was going to use the mirror that is on the back of our bedroom door. This way I could close the door and create a little cocoon for myself between the wall and my bedside table. A place where I could sit and look directly into my own face, without holding a mirror, and also have some privacy. And because I can be stubborn, I tried to get comfortable in this same place even though my back and right leg hurt. I tried sitting on my knees, so I did not have to rotate my right hip. But of course, this hurt my knees. I finally "stood" on my knees, all the time wanting to just say, "okay, my five seconds are up." Then the thought came, "You are going to have to do this. You can't just talk about it. This can't be another thing you talk about but do not do."

As I looked into my face, I concentrated on my eyes. I like my eyes. I even think they are kind of pretty. But then I forced myself to take in the rest of my face. The second thought arrived like a car slamming into a telephone poll, "I am going to have to look at you for the next two months. Every single day?"
After another minute or so, I found myself feeling somewhat amused at my state. Back aching, standing on my knees looking in the mirror, feeling a bit pouty, and when this amused expression crossed my face, I noticed how much my face seemed to change. I let myself find my breath and just look at me. As a few moments passed, it was almost as though my face became flat and I could see every corner of it. I began to turn to look at the left side of my face, then the right. And I discovered that I have four moles/freckles on my right cheek that I had never really noticed. And the third thought came, "what else don't you know about yourself?"

A deep sigh within.

What do we not know about ourselves? What are we hiding from the world, from ourselves? We are the only ones who can truly know us; yet, somehow we are afraid to peek inside and see what is there. No one will ever know you as well as you know yourself. Do not be afraid. Take a peek. See yourself.

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I want to thank you for the emails and comments you all have sent/left about this meditation. Some of you have even posted about your experience on your blogs this week; we are all thankful for your words. This is already a powerful journey and we are on only the second day.

Later today I am going to send out an email (keeping the email addresses private) to those of you who have indicated you are participating in the reflection meditation. If you do not receive one and would like to be included (this means that 1) I don't have your email, 2) I didn't know you were participating, or 3) between my trip and the pain medication I somehow forgot to add you), please email me (don't just leave a comment though because sometimes emails aren't included in the comments - thanks). I will send these emails out every now and then over the next two months.

self-acceptance {a meditation}

Tomorrow, some of us will begin a two month daily reflection meditation. (To read more about this, see this post and this post.) The following meditation can be used on its own or as a starting point for the daily reflection meditation.

For this meditation, you need to have a mirror near you. However, you can choose not to use a mirror and instead imagine a mirror in your mind and imagine your reflection.

Updated in 2011: Consider spending at least 30 seconds looking in the mirror the first time you practice this meditation. Then, as you are ready, work up to a few minutes.

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Finding a comfortable way to sit, begin to come into your body. Close your eyes.

Take a moment to find your center.
Let you next inhalation begin there.

As you breathe, begin to reflect on the word acceptance.
What comes to mind?
An image? An idea? A feeling?

When you are ready, bring your mind to the idea of self-acceptance.

With your next inhalation, begin to invite self-acceptance into your center.
As you exhale, let this self-acceptance settle over you like a blanket.

When you are ready, open your eyes and look in the mirror in front of you.
Continue to breathe from your center, connecting with the self-acceptance that resides there, that is a part of you.

Notice where your mind travels.
Breathe your way into the feelings.
Try to let go of any judgment that arises.
When you are ready, let the mind rest in the center of the body, in this place of self-acceptance.

Namaste.