as a meditation {self portrait challenge} and another invitation

self portrait as a meditation (for self portrait challenge)

Last Friday, I wrote about taking self portraits and how this exercise has invited me to look at myself physically. I also wrote about being inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert’s article in the August issue of Yoga Journal. She describes a time in her life when she had a daily practice of looking in the mirror at herself to find the beauty. Her beauty. Even though this invites various emotions inside my head and heart, I am going to begin this practice. A daily reflection meditation.

My practice will begin August 1st and continue for at least two months. I know me, and I know how hard it is for me to stick with something that might be a challenge, so I am committing to this today. I am going to check in about it here, each Wednesday, during these two months. And I hope a couple of you will gently hold me accountable as needed.

Over the last few days, some of you have expressed an interest in joining me in this practice. I appreciate that each person may have varying levels of interest, but I feel the need to put this out in the universe:

Will you commit to two months of this reflection meditation with me?

Here are some things to think about if you decide to say yes:

Find a place in your house where you can be alone, just you and a mirror.
Find a time just for you. Let family know you will need a few minutes to yourself.
Turn the ringer off the phone/move it to another room/choose a room without a phone; commit to letting go of the outside world during this time.
You might want to use a small notebook or journal to write down a reflection after you finish the meditation.
There is no time limit or expectation. Some of us may start at 30 seconds, others at 5 minutes; let your heart guide you to figure out what works for you.

I will continue to post ideas and encouragement during the next two months. I want to balance the idea of the importance of community through this experience while honoring the deeply personal practice of this meditation. I believe the community already exists in blog world and participating in something like this, and blogging about it if you like, will only make this community stronger. At this point, I am not going to create a list of participants. However, if you want to, you could email me, and let me know you are joining the meditation. I appreciate that some people may choose not to blog about this but would still like to let me know they will participate, and I would love to be able to check in with you throughout the experience.

Next Monday, I will post a meditation that you can use to get you started with this practice. 

I hope some of you will come along on the journey.
Namaste.

an invitation...to really look

Taking self portraits of myself has become part of my routine over the last few months. To pose for the camera, to pose just for me, to look at myself. After taking lots of pictures (except in March when I took just one a day), I look at them and often hear that inner voice who just wants to let me know that I am not pretty. Eventually, I find the one photo that I can share with, well the world, but also the photo I can agree on, with myself, to stare at whenever I come to this page.

My journey has been about the work inside. Unpacking the baggage, looking at it to see if there is something to learn, if there are reasons amidst some of the shit. Looking at the moments I am triggered and why, looking at the patterns, and so on, but also to recognize the beauty that is there, that is part of my life. The beauty of the world around me, of the people in my life, of the path I am on, and the beauty inside me. But throughout this, there is this piece of beauty on the outside. The other stuff seems like the hard stuff. But this outside piece, accepting my physical looks, this is a big part of the baggage as well. I have just been so focused on the inner stuff because it is easier, on some level, than…well, than looking at the outside…of me.

As I mentioned on Tuesday’s post, on Monday, when I took this week’s self portraits, I felt something shift as I looked at my face on the computer screen in front of me. There have been moments of this over the past few months, a whisper of self-acceptance. There has been an awakening and a determination to get over my negative body image and “face beauty” issues. But it then it goes back to a whisper, and most of the time, I just forget to listen for it.

In the August issue of Yoga Journal, Elizabeth Gilbert (the author of the "much talked about in blog world" book Eat, Pray, Love – a book I really want to read) writes about finding her own beauty. After realizing she was wrapped up in being self-critical of her looks to the extent it was consuming her, she asked a yogi friend of hers what she should do. The woman recommended she spend time, every day, looking in the mirror until she recognized her own beauty.

A piece of my negative physical image is about my body: Not being thin enough, always being “my biggest friend,” not being able to find clothes sometimes, having clerks give me "that look" when I walk in certain stores. But another piece is wanting to feel pretty. Wanting to be one of the pretty ones. Wanting to see my face as pretty. As Gilbert says, “A person’s face is, you might say, the spokesperson for the soul.” Yes. And I want people to see my soul, but first they see my face. The face that often has multiple chins. The face that looks tired and is gathering wrinkles each day.

As I read about Gilbert’s experience, I began to wonder if I could have a daily meditation where I sit across from myself, all alone, in the quiet, and look at my own face. I could start with one minute…or maybe 30 seconds. And work my way up to a few minutes. Each day. Until I recognize me.

The idea is that you have to accept the shell that carries your soul, before you can let go. Let go of the desire to be the pretty one, of the ego involved, of the past that might hold you a bit too tight. Let go to be free of the way your body image weighs you down when you are trying to fly.

Do you want to join me? We could start with 5 seconds, 45 seconds, 2 minutes. We could do this together. A daily meditation of reflection. A daily meditation to recognize the beauty.