december 15

today was:

up early anticipating the arrival of grandpa and grandma

a little girl full of joy and happy and just one or two overtired meltdowns

christmas shopping and sushi and the gift of a new "go to" date night outfit 

today was:

listening to them read

a heart remembering so much

johnny mathis in the air

today was:

tulips in december just because

trying all the cheeses at metropolitan market and deciding the rosemary asiago is still beyond the best

a little girl who insists on drinking from a glass 

today was:

conversation and laughter

dinner with everyone at the table

an "oh my goodness you all have to try this" cupcake that tastes just like my sugar cookies

today was:

a deep tired from staying up so late cleaning (and the knowledge that you can't really even tell)

a titch of missing even though they are here for two more days

a heart healing with each breath

december 1

while she napped, i put up the little christmas tree that had been waiting in the garage since jon put it in there sometime in late january. it was waiting wrapped in a plastic bag with lights and ornaments still on. and i stared at that little tree that we put up last year around december 20 when i was deep in survival mode and unable to really find any holiday spirit. it is a great little tree. jon has had it for years.

but i stood there and said aloud, "i deserve more christmas than this."

and that is how we found ourselves walking through the trees as the sun began to dip low. ellie giggling as she touched each type of tree and then splashing in puddles as she wandered.

i always think i will be quick to choose one, but it always takes me so much longer.

i love all of them. they smell so good. and they are just waiting for someone to take them home.

with the chill in the air and the christmas music playing ("zat you santa clause?"), i felt so at ease and like me. just like i felt the night before thanksgiving while i was cooking (like from scratch cooking) for the first time in months while ellie and jon read and music played. feeling like i have maybe been waiting my whole life for this.

and i think perhaps the only way to stay close to that feeling of ease (of love) is to take care of myself in the midst of it all. like deciding to get a little tree and buying some lights instead of spending six hours in the garage trying to find the lights we used four years ago.

and deciding to get in the picture by just propping the camera right on the hood of the car and using the timer.

self-care gently pushes me to stay more open to love and light.  

*****

thank you for the orders during yesterday's shop sale. my heart is gently holding so many beautiful stories shared as customers placed orders and let me know why their chosen soul mantra was important to them or who they were giving the necklaces to as gifts. so many beautiful stories.

the truth is that life is so hard and so so beautiful. this fall has held some unexpected challenges over here. there has been beauty and there has been stress. this is living. and sometimes it feels like its harder than it should be. but we find our way all the same. and each day i have a choice. so i choose beauty and love and joy whenever i can.