almost...
driftwood, washington coast, april 08
Every now and then, I struggle with what I want to write on my blog because there is so much I want to say but I cannot find the words. I cannot find a post's worth of words because they are so stuck in my throat (and heart and gut), but I feel as though I have to get them out in order to move forward.
Last December, I wrote about what I almost wrote about and it seemed to help a bit.
I'm trying that again today.
*****
I almost wrote about…
How I struggle with the high school aspects of blogging. I am so thankful for all that this medium and the community I have found within it (and the friendships) have given me and how I have grown. Yet, I struggle with seeing the "cool kids" table and all that it brings. And wishing I was…and wishing I was not…
An experience that rocked me to my core late last month. Words said by another that cannot be taken back that invited me to wonder who I am and what I am doing and why. Words that invited me to feel like I needed, wanted, had to run far, far away. Words that I am trying to forget.
Feeling left out and how much that hurts.
The idea that we are always interacting with human beings in almost every moment of our lives. It might seem like they are simply voices or words on a computer screen or a car or a passerby or a memory. But behind every interaction, even very small ones, is a human being or two or three. I want to wear a t-shirt that says, "Human here." And, I want you to wear one too.
How we cannot be in charge of anyone's feelings but our own. We are only "in charge" of our reactions, of us. This isn't selfish; this is truth.
The things that could have been.
How I cannot be everything you need me to be.
The struggles of having an etsy shop and putting yourself, your creations, out into the world. The other side of art+craft shows, when things don't always go as you had hoped, when you don't sell as much as you thought, when the venue is not quite what it seemed…when you wonder why you are doing this at all.
The questions whizzing through my mind that all come down to this truth: I just want people to like me.
The reality that we share only pieces of ourselves on our blogs. We cannot know everything about someone just because she has an online journal. Why do we feel the need to judge? Why do we feel the need to pretend?
My need to let go of judgment and resentment.
How I am drifting back to my daily practice and finding me.
*****
(After typing all this, I thought, "Am I really going to share this? Why?" I guess I share it to let some of it go as I so need to do that. And I guess I share in the hope of letting you know you are not alone…thank you for reading...)
it is what it is
Reader Comments (41)
When I dropped my son off at the babysitter today we were discussing this very thing, about how people treat eachother. She said to me, "this is what it comes down to, it doesn't matter how you treat me, it's how I treat you. Stay encouraged at least your putting your foot forward. I only lust after people's blogs and etsy shops from a studio that produces nothing, yet has everything. And have a blog of only the shallow surface because I'm afraid to share the deep.
with tears in my eyes...[really i am not just saying it for the show - wink], another thanks today from me to you.
now aren't you glad that you got that out.
beautiful
Thank you for your honesty! You captured many of the thoughts and feelings I've experienced in my new blogging adventure.
You are definitely not alone. I am right there with you.
amanda
Thank you for your honesty; so many of us are where you are. And, you know what? When I can remember that I blog just for me...anyone else who comes along is such a delightful surprise! It's hard, though. It really is.
Wow. I read your blog and a thread in me resonated. I don't have a blog and yet get these same feelings of intimidation/judgement just reading other peoples blogs.
I enjoy this blog because it seems so real.
In blog land we have no idea what is real, imagined, fiction or fact. That's weird and fascinating all at the same time.
Some blogs are like a train wreck, I don't want to look but keep going back because it's so weird or what is written is out of my ordinary experience.
Some blogs are so dang sicky sweet with fluffy inlightment lacking any real depth of life that I cringe but I go back to see if this person can really keep this type of hype up (this is purely my perspective and maybe some people really do sh*t gold - just not something I can relate to)Sorry for rambling. Keep writing and keep exploring. In my world, you Rock.
I have several drafts, that I have never published, why? because of what PEOPLE may think or I dont want them to know the truth. thanks for sorting this out for me maybe I will get it off of my chest soon.
I appreciate our thoughts, words, vulnerability.You have said so much that I can relate to. Are you reading my mind??
thank you liz, for your beautiful truths, your honesty ... words i can relate to feeling, thinking, contemplating ... hugs, xo
Wow -- I really like what both you and adrienne have to say here! Yeah, I go in and out of wanting to be one of the cool kids. I don't even have an etsy shop, 'tho I aspire to. And, oh yeah, that terribly deep, desperate part of me that wants everyone to like me, which, for me, seems to boil down to that age-old quest for unconditional love. In the middle of the night, if you could get me to be honest, I would tell you -- I am most afraid of being unloved and unworthy of being loved. I'm coming to realize that isn't such a rare, freaky thing as I used to think. There are lots of us adrift in that boat. Hang in there!
hi liz,
you're so awesome for sharing this! i too have struggled with what i want to write and what i will actually write. its good to know that i am not the only one. thank you for this.
thank you for sharing your feelings. i have been pondering similar thoughts today. take care.
You know what I liken blogs to? The individuals we all are when we're in cars on the road. You look around and you see someone in a car multitasking (perhaps they are late for a job interview) and trying to drive, or you hear their music up too loud (they may be really enjoying the moment), or they cut you off (they may not have seen you) and you make a judgement. But really, you don't know those people even a teeny, tiny little bit. They are REAL. And "normal" and "good" just like you. And we think we know people, but really . . .c'mon. A blog is no different. It's an attempt to show the world what color we are wearing today or something that we hope they'll find admirable. But we are not a blog.
xoxo
thank you. for being so brave. for saying and sharing things that so many of us feel but can't voice. if you find/make that t-shirt "human here"? please post about it. i would love to have one.
I found your blog through Alicia Paulson's blog - and am so delighted to read your poetry and musings! I started my blog when I began learning to paint last year. Mainly for my friends and family, and when a stranger would comment, I would freak out! Someone was looking at my art (and, of course, judging me/it!) I'm a grandmother who is new to this blogging stuff, but now I'm comfortable enough that I hope I can inspire another "oldster" to try something new! Stay true to you and you can't go wrong!
You are so brave and honest. Thank you for allowing me into your world. It's amazing how, when opening yourself up, you allow so many like spirited people into your life. It's so good to know that we are not alone, when sometimes that is how we feel. It is good to know that others are out there being supportive...being human beings...being love for each other. It's good to know that others feel the same or have felt the same way. Really...we are all here to help each other grow.
Blessings.
so glad that you shared these feelings because
1. i was feeling some of the.exact.same.things. today
and 2. reading your words made me feel better
and 3. i bet i'm not the only one that needed the balm of your honesty
and 4. i think you are brave.
xx
nina beana
Amen Liz, to ALL of it. To the wanting to be loved and accepted, to wanting to treat people like they matter, because they do, to struggling with just how much of yourself you want to put out there for public consumption, to taking responsibility for what you put out into the world.
THank you for being brave enough to share your thoughs, even if it made you feel fragile and vulnerable to do it.
I think you are cool and you can sit at my table of "girls who just are who they are and that's okay" anytime. And just so you know, the "cool kids" really just want the same things as anyone else.
*big hugs*
Liz-
Thank you for sharing your vulnerability and being open and honest. It's hard to take the leap sometimes. It's also hard to not let go of the way we have been treated in our lives and not let it inform how we exist in the present.
Your post was so ripe with truth.
Be good to yourself.
Anna
From someone who never got to sit at the cool kids table, THANK YOU for your words, your honesty, your vunerability. I just remind myself the only person I have to please is me and that the cool kids have their own personal issues. And I have come to realize they are often worse issues than my own! Keep up the wonderful, inspiring creating you do. You share so much and it is shining.
And so, you touched many lives with this entry...mostly because you had the courage to risk and to write what you were feeling in the moment. The reason it resonated with so many of us because it is a common human being and because you said it so honestly. I am much older than you, and I can tell you that your words touched me deeply. We all have that desire to be loved and accepted, no matter if we are 9 months or 99 years.
I'm sorry for the words that were said, because I can hear the sadness of its pain in your words. But, I also know you took the higher ground and wrote about it instead of retaliating. You are wise for your years. May you find peace. Keep writing!
You are enough. much more than you can ever imagine.
i wonder if you know how many women want to be your friend?
how many women admire you?
get inspired by you?
want to sit next to you during lunch?
how many women read your blog and don't comment cause they feel exactly the same way.
you are enough.
really really really you are so much more! xx
you are liked and loved very much, by many, dear one. xxoxo
hi Liz. I laughed out loud at Tamsie's comment, "maybe some people really do sh*t gold" ... that's keeping it real. And nothing describes you better than a woman who does keep it real, who tells the truth, who speaks for the rest of us. We are all jewels; whatever table you sit at is automatically the cool table because you're there. xoxoxox
Woooooooowwwwwww.....and more wows and thank yous and bravos for opening up and letting all of this spill forth. My guess is that you just took the words out of the hearts and minds of maybe, just maybe, just about everyone in this community. I think it is SO important these feelings - this reality, really - is spoken about and aired out from time to time. I am so looking forward to connecting with you next month. I think I've said that three times this week.