almost...
driftwood, washington coast, april 08
Every now and then, I struggle with what I want to write on my blog because there is so much I want to say but I cannot find the words. I cannot find a post's worth of words because they are so stuck in my throat (and heart and gut), but I feel as though I have to get them out in order to move forward.
Last December, I wrote about what I almost wrote about and it seemed to help a bit.
I'm trying that again today.
*****
I almost wrote about…
How I struggle with the high school aspects of blogging. I am so thankful for all that this medium and the community I have found within it (and the friendships) have given me and how I have grown. Yet, I struggle with seeing the "cool kids" table and all that it brings. And wishing I was…and wishing I was not…
An experience that rocked me to my core late last month. Words said by another that cannot be taken back that invited me to wonder who I am and what I am doing and why. Words that invited me to feel like I needed, wanted, had to run far, far away. Words that I am trying to forget.
Feeling left out and how much that hurts.
The idea that we are always interacting with human beings in almost every moment of our lives. It might seem like they are simply voices or words on a computer screen or a car or a passerby or a memory. But behind every interaction, even very small ones, is a human being or two or three. I want to wear a t-shirt that says, "Human here." And, I want you to wear one too.
How we cannot be in charge of anyone's feelings but our own. We are only "in charge" of our reactions, of us. This isn't selfish; this is truth.
The things that could have been.
How I cannot be everything you need me to be.
The struggles of having an etsy shop and putting yourself, your creations, out into the world. The other side of art+craft shows, when things don't always go as you had hoped, when you don't sell as much as you thought, when the venue is not quite what it seemed…when you wonder why you are doing this at all.
The questions whizzing through my mind that all come down to this truth: I just want people to like me.
The reality that we share only pieces of ourselves on our blogs. We cannot know everything about someone just because she has an online journal. Why do we feel the need to judge? Why do we feel the need to pretend?
My need to let go of judgment and resentment.
How I am drifting back to my daily practice and finding me.
*****
(After typing all this, I thought, "Am I really going to share this? Why?" I guess I share it to let some of it go as I so need to do that. And I guess I share in the hope of letting you know you are not alone…thank you for reading...)
it is what it is
Reader Comments (41)
thinking of you. the one thing that connects us all is the need to be loved and accepted. yes, you are human - so beautifully human. and, i love you. xx, deb
i started to comment
but it was getting too long
to feel like a "comment"
so i am emailing you instead.
but wanted to say...
i heart you.
:0)
Hi,
I couldn't agree with you more - there's so much I'd love to share but haven't (and, no doubt won't ever...)
I love your sincere, down to earth and honest approach..:)
Funny how the universe works. I've been struggling with some of those same feelings lately. You'd think that at my age I'd be over it but not sure one ever gets over feelings. It helps to knowing that others feel the same feelings.
This post is stopping me in my tracks. Thank you for your honesty. I so understand.
I unintentionally stopped blogging last autumn while out of town and just haven't had the guts to come back because of many of the things you've said here.
I bow to your honesty and courage and wish you strength and inner peace as you continue to bless us with your words.
Star
I am so glad that you had the courage to hit publish. This post spoke to me on a very deep level. I feel some of the exact same things. In the past, comments have hurt me, so I want to delete the my whole blog. Saying it was like high school is the perfect comparison, it brings many of those feelings back.
Just so you know, your blog is one of my favorites. It is honest and beautiful and most importantly.....real. For that I thank you.
XXXXX
Liz, I came and read these words yesterday. I guess I needed a moment to absorb them...Or maybe a moment to feel brave enough to reply.
Sometimes I feel SO alone in my insecurities, and then I see honesty like this, and the outpouring from your friends, and wow...
You reached into my heart with this. I feel so childlike when I "show" myself to other bloggers. Sometimes, I reveal too much and get nothing in reply and I feel so silly and embarrassed.
I struggle every day to figure out SOME way to "present" my artistic self, be it etsy or something else but I don't do it because my gremlins keep telling me I'm not as good as "them", or that my "inspirations" are just pale copy's or that my design isn't "real".
What you said about the cool table was like the words taken from my mouth... Thank you for being you!!
I want to reach out and give you a hug and let you know that your blog touches my heart. I subscribed the moment I first landed here months ago. You write beautiful poetry, sew gorgeous aprons and pillow/cushion covers and your words of wisdom often strike a chord within. Thank you for being YOU! Stay grounded because you ARE special and COOL!
I totally relate. I am all for sharing the real and difficult things in a blog. I certainly am not shy about my tendency toward depression or talking about jealousy when I feel it. I have read so many blogs that only shar e the good, the beautiful, the positive... and I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but I think it doesn't show the whole picture.
I think it's like meeting anyone in real life, though. Some people are more willing to wear their heart on their sleeve and admit they are having a tough time, and some people will always be more comfortable keeping that to themselves. Not so different from real life.
And I just want to be liked.And I think everyone else does too.
i'm visiting my favorite blogs and catching up after feeling so very out of touch. what a heartfelt post, so genuine and real. that is what i experience from you, always, whether on your blog, on in "real" life. coming here is like sipping really sweet cold water on a hot day....mmmmmmmmmm, nothing else is quite as satisfying to me - soda, milk, tea. that is the genuineness of you that comes through so clearly for those of us have the "tastebuds" to appreciate - that is my only interest in relationships, the essence of the person, the trueness - everything else is just a coating that doesn't satisfy. i treasure you liz, thank you for sharing yourself so truely and openly here.
I'm not sure how I found your blog or even when as I found you again in my favorites. I am pleased that I did because I like how you write and can relate to what you say. Thank you for sharing. It is good to know that we are not alone in our experiences.
Peace!
Thank you and bless your for your courage in casting light into your shadowed corners...as you illuminate your darkness, you have illuminated my one, given words to many of my own fears and inconsistencies associated with this bloggy world and encouraged my own expression of truth....and for that, you are soooo a cool kid!
Namaste
You so often write what I am thinking...I wish I had written the blog I dreamed of so that I could share it with you - perhaps I will. Thank you, as always for your honest, beautiful vulnerability.
I'm getting caught up on your blog and had to express my appreciation for this post. These are all thoughts and feelings I find sneaking up on me at times. It's always helpful to see myself reflected back in unexpected places. I realize I've had similar feelings though I didn't recognize them for what they were. I've been believing them and buying in to the self-doubt. Thanks so very much for sharing.
mmm. stumbled upon your blog and Totally Love It and Totally Relate to all, and esp. this post.
Read an Elizabeth Gilbert interview yesterday (an old one--just for inspiration), and she said "Love the work. Destiny will do what it wants with you, regardless. Just love the work."
Can't wait for more gems.
lovelove from afar!!!
xo