today...a shift...a smile {self-portrait challenge}
Sitting in the dentist office waiting room today, I started writing a blog post in my journal that was full of some of the thoughts swirling around my head lately. Thoughts about how one balances the good and the shit and how hard it is to rest in the midst of all that life throws one's way in any given moment, day, week, year. Since early November I have been to the dentist more times that I can keep track up. The days prior to a dentist appointment are filled with tummy problems and nervousness and dread. At my second appointment, the one where you sit there after your cleaning and the dentist and the assistant talk about your teeth in a language you do not know as though you are not there and write down all the problems you…your teeth…have…at that appointment, I burst into tears. So overwhelmed by all of it. Full of such shame and sadness and a little anger. And, as I explained why I was crying: not because of fear of the dental appointments to come or the tools or the drilling…no, I said, I am crying because I feel such shame that my teeth are like this.
(And in that moment, in my head I was saying…I feel such shame because I smile so big and can't help it but I know that when I smile people can see the discoloration on my teeth. I feel such shame because of all the reasons that are no ones fault yet kind of everyone's fault that brought me to this moment in this chair with these tears. I feel such shame because there is no way we can pay for all of this. I feel such shame because I never told anyone how it felt that day I got my braces off and there was all that damage. I feel such shame because I am 31 and crying at the dentist's office. I feel such shame…)
There was so much I did not say. But, as I tried to breathe to avoid the threatening ugly cry, this new dentist said something...well...something pretty magical, "I think the self-abuse about this should stop today. You are here now. And, we are going to fix it."
So I brought Jeero the uglydoll to the next appointment and sat there for over three hours. And, the next appointment, which was an emergency appointment, I didn't bring Jeero, but I did have my playlist that soothed me while I experienced the joy that is an unexpected root canal. And, I went to the next appointment, and then to the one where the million-dollar crown was put on a tooth, and then to the next appointment where I listened to Steve Martin read his new book and sat for another three hours, and then to today's appointment…
Today.
Even though my head aches from the drilling and my gums are sore from the shots and my sinuses seem to have been a bit affected by all the numbness and all that is a dental appointment, I walked out of the dentist office with a smile on my face. I walked out into the raining sleet that is washing away the snow and felt light.
Today was the day he worked on my front teeth. My front four teeth look so good. They look good for the first time since…well…a long, long time. I feel such joy about it that the tears that fall as I type this are from joy, not shame. It is a good day…
And that one tooth…the one that was so damaged from my braces…the tooth that felt like a mark of shame. It is shining.
It is a good day.
And, yes, I do plan to write about some of the deeper stuff swirling around at some point. But, today, I just want to celebrate letting go of the shame.
Today, I just want to smile.
(see what else people are celebrating over at self-portrait challenge)
liz lamoreux
Reader Comments (33)
Wow, that was weird, you posted right while I was catching up on your last post. That's never happened before (yes, I know I really need to get out more. I am so happy for you, and I share the tooth shame, so I will try to learn from you too.
What a fantastic photo of you. Your expression and smile just look beautiful!
Yay for pretty smiles!
it's a great day, liz. you and your teeth look amazing. so proud of you!
Although I'm looking for a new dentist I think it might be a bit far to travel for something I don't love. Your new dentist sounds wonderful. Mine is condescending, which is maybe worse than getting a shot.
I'm so glad you were able to let go of some of the shame. Especially because you have such a great smile.
BTW, I have more goodies set aside for you. This is so much fun. xoxo
oh, liz... you did it again. you made me smile and cry all at the same time.
you are beautiful and your smile is vibrant and gorgeous -as it always has been (except shinier!)
i am not a fan of my own teeth... they are getting crookeder (?!) and discoloureder (???!!!) by the day and i feel asahmed to... so i really need to follow suit and get something done about them. i wish i lived near you so that i could go to your sweet dentist too!
i also want to say thank you so much for your lovely e-mail, liz. your words mean an awful lot to me. thanks
Vx
Hi Liz,
just looking at your smile, before reading the dentist adventure, I thought: how beautifull her teeth are!! I am so happy for you, enjoy
Regina, Sint Maarten DWI
you have a beautiful smile :)
also...dentists scare the crap out of me.. I got about two lines in to your entry and read "dentist" and decided to assume it was a horror story. sorry lol!
i love this picture of you! it is beautiful
I wish my dentist said magical things like that!
Liz, I've been MIA for almost a year. What happened to my beloved Poetry Thursday?
as someone who is sooooo scared of the dentist and hasn't gone for 5 years (with a broken tooth and a host of other problems) this post gives me courage. i may just call and schedule an appt. today.
thanks, liz. sending you lots of love today.
Wow! I am going through similar dentist stuff. I appreciate your post so much! I have had two appointments so far, and I've survived. I was even laughing with the dentist yesterday. My teeth and jaw hurt, but it's getting better!! He's helping me with some long standing problems!! Yay! I'll celebrate with you!
i'm terrified of dental procedures, with my crap teeth it's always an ordeal.
you have a lovely smile my friend, so glad everything went well. xo
I too was thinking you have a beautiful smile and teeth before I read your entry. I cried of shame when I was 16 and had 6 cavities at the same time, going to the dentist over and over again, and this really resonated with me. You are so brave and taking such good care of yourself, letting it all come out. You shine. xoxo
I think you always had a beautful smile.
I love this photo of you.
Yay you for your courage, your honesty and your vulnerability. Yay the dentist for having magic words and for making a difference.
Yay your smile and your beauty and the lightness of letting go of shame.
goodness, sweetie...you've been through a lot..but you look so happy...which make me happy too ;-)
you are beautiful, my friend.
i have always thought your smile was beautiful and radiant, drawing me in to the light ... am glad that you feel that way now too :) xox
You have a beautiful smile, and I'm smiling because you shared it :)
you
are
beautiful!
(and your teeth aren't too bad either! wink wink)
Darling this makes me tear up-with joy-because your smile is oh so beautiful and contagious-and that you now feel good about what makes others so happy is such a good thing.
Beautiful you.
XO
i was so close to missing this one!
i don't know how...
i was here...
i read the other new one...
anyway...
i didn't miss it and i'm so glad...
i am full of empathy...
dentist fear and
i'm so glad you talked about shame,
i have been there...
holy, have i been there.
and that photo is
brilliantly cute.
smile on!
you've got one of the most electric smiles i've ever seen! simply radiant! please see and feel that!
:o),
ruby
I've always loved your smile. Does this mean you're going to smile even brighter now? Lucky us who get to see you! Hurray for the release of shame, and angels on Earth who look like dentists. :)