today...a shift...a smile {self-portrait challenge}
Sitting in the dentist office waiting room today, I started writing a blog post in my journal that was full of some of the thoughts swirling around my head lately. Thoughts about how one balances the good and the shit and how hard it is to rest in the midst of all that life throws one's way in any given moment, day, week, year. Since early November I have been to the dentist more times that I can keep track up. The days prior to a dentist appointment are filled with tummy problems and nervousness and dread. At my second appointment, the one where you sit there after your cleaning and the dentist and the assistant talk about your teeth in a language you do not know as though you are not there and write down all the problems you…your teeth…have…at that appointment, I burst into tears. So overwhelmed by all of it. Full of such shame and sadness and a little anger. And, as I explained why I was crying: not because of fear of the dental appointments to come or the tools or the drilling…no, I said, I am crying because I feel such shame that my teeth are like this.
(And in that moment, in my head I was saying…I feel such shame because I smile so big and can't help it but I know that when I smile people can see the discoloration on my teeth. I feel such shame because of all the reasons that are no ones fault yet kind of everyone's fault that brought me to this moment in this chair with these tears. I feel such shame because there is no way we can pay for all of this. I feel such shame because I never told anyone how it felt that day I got my braces off and there was all that damage. I feel such shame because I am 31 and crying at the dentist's office. I feel such shame…)
There was so much I did not say. But, as I tried to breathe to avoid the threatening ugly cry, this new dentist said something...well...something pretty magical, "I think the self-abuse about this should stop today. You are here now. And, we are going to fix it."
So I brought Jeero the uglydoll to the next appointment and sat there for over three hours. And, the next appointment, which was an emergency appointment, I didn't bring Jeero, but I did have my playlist that soothed me while I experienced the joy that is an unexpected root canal. And, I went to the next appointment, and then to the one where the million-dollar crown was put on a tooth, and then to the next appointment where I listened to Steve Martin read his new book and sat for another three hours, and then to today's appointment…
Today.
Even though my head aches from the drilling and my gums are sore from the shots and my sinuses seem to have been a bit affected by all the numbness and all that is a dental appointment, I walked out of the dentist office with a smile on my face. I walked out into the raining sleet that is washing away the snow and felt light.
Today was the day he worked on my front teeth. My front four teeth look so good. They look good for the first time since…well…a long, long time. I feel such joy about it that the tears that fall as I type this are from joy, not shame. It is a good day…
And that one tooth…the one that was so damaged from my braces…the tooth that felt like a mark of shame. It is shining.
It is a good day.
And, yes, I do plan to write about some of the deeper stuff swirling around at some point. But, today, I just want to celebrate letting go of the shame.
Today, I just want to smile.
(see what else people are celebrating over at self-portrait challenge)
liz lamoreux
Reader Comments (33)
Hi - i'm totally new to your blog, but I wanted to applaud for you, and your beautiful smile. I so know from whence you speak. I need gum surgery, and my once perfectly straight teeth now have moved and aren't healthy and I can't get them fixed until i do the surgery, and it does feel shameful. so thank you for your post, and the reminder that we have to love ourselves and move forward.
.. Hi, I am new to your blog but wanted to shout out a GOOD FOR YOU!.. your smile makes me happy all the way to Chattanooga TN..
maddie
www.domesticanarchy.blogspot.com
oh liz...this post...this post...i don't even know what to say other than i get it...i totally get it...i know all about the shame we carry around...the self abuse...
i've been meaning to call/write/something since i received the card you sent after your appointment...just to let you know i got it and that it touched me because i know about the shame...i know what a struggle it is to give up the negative self talk...how hard it is to actually fall in love with yourself...and that no matter how desperately you want to give it up... and how desperately you want to love yourself tenderly and compassionately it is such a struggle...for whatever reason, and i don't fully understand it, it's a fucking huge struggle...everyday it's a struggle...everyday there is something...something that wants to remind me why i'm not enough...maybe it's the hardest thing we ever learn to do...to love ourselves fully and completely...to accept that we are enough...just as we are in this moment...
i keep waiting for that magic moment when it all changes for me...when i remember the truth of who i am...and i am transformed forever...not because of anything i've done...not because of anything i've had to change...but because of great love...and that one big moment hasn't happend...but a million tiny moments have...and when they happen i hold on to them for as long as i can...and when they slip away i start praying for the next one...and one day i hope those inbetween moments get fewer and further between...
blessings to you...your life touches me...your story touches me...how grateful i am for your courage and willingness to share parts of yourself with me...thank you...
i love your gorgeous smile...i loved it before you ever went to the dentist...and i love it now...
the shame does need to stop...for both of us...
...now i need to stop crying and get back to work...
What a gorgeous smile! You must be your dentist's star patient :)
you did and always will have the best, warmest, loving smile ;)
You are beautiful and have such a glow when you smile. I was amazed and touched as I read your post. I have a tendency of comparing my insides with everyone's outsides. My Mother taught me that saying and explained that we usually don't realize that people let us see what they want us to see. We don't know what their lives are really like behind the scenes. You are so brave for getting the work done and over so you can feel good about yourself. I also share the shame you felt. By sharing your story, you are helping so many people who think they are alone. Yay for you to take care of yourself because you deserve it.
I love this post because you took a challenge and made it into a gift for all of us. Bless you. You're beautiful, you really are.
I must tell you: I've seen your smile in person and never once noticed anything that you were so worried about. All I saw was love and joy in a radiant smile. I don't know exactly where your teeth were in this transition while we were at Squam, but I had no idea there was any problem. Still, I'm so glad that you've transitioned from shame to joy in your heart.