the good girl {self-portrait challenge}
After I read Michelle’s post last week, I began listen to the whisper inside my head that said, “let’s not spend time with all those imperfections.” I have spent the last two months encouraging myself and others to spend time looking in the mirror to embrace the “imperfections.” And it feels not-so-healthy to spend time dwelling on “Look, the tissues with lotion I have been using for my cold have invited two nice little pimples to live on the end of my nose. All ready for Halloween kids.” and other such fun thoughts.
So I am tweaking this challenge a bit and continuing what I started earlier this year when SPC gave us the challenge of “all of me.” I am embracing the imperfections that make me who I am. Last week I started with envy: Admitting I feel envy and owning that I think envy is part of being human.
This week, I admit to you that I am…simply…the good girl.
This is a picture of me from high school*. As some of you know, I went to boarding school. We had uniforms and nametags and a leadership system where the girls were prefects (yes, like Harry Potter). I was a good girl in high school. I never got in trouble. Nope. Not once. This isn’t to say I was perfect, but the few times I “broke the rules,” I did not get caught. When I went back to work at this boarding school I didn’t tell my students that their counselor had been “one of those” girls who never received an infraction. (If only my dorm mother had noticed my “I spent the night with Kenny Rogers” kilt pin or the non-reg green henley I used to wear under my blue oxford. Scandalous I know.) Most of my friends were “good girls” too so it was pretty easy to avoid breaking the rules.
I remember a friend saying to me, “when you are 25 I imagine you pulling up in my driveway on the back of a Harley with some older man your parents would not so much approve of.” Well, at 25 I did pull up…but in Honda Civic…with an older man…who is a teacher, a science teacher. Still the good girl.
I don’t want to list all the things that make me the good girl because, well, you might think I haven’t lived much. I appreciated Neil’s post yesterday (that included a longer version of this meme). And I admit that I wouldn’t be checking many of those boxes. Nope.
In college, I remember sitting on the floor of my apartment reading SARK’s piece about how “the good girlfriend must die” in Succulent Wild Woman. It resonated deeply with me. She says, “The ‘good girlfriend’ always knows what to bring to a potluck…doesn’t say fuck…looks sexy, but doesn’t live in her body…makes sure things are pleasant…always has effortless and pleasing orgasms.” Society’s image of the perfect woman who does it all and does it with a smile on her face letting you step right on her because you don’t see her at all.
Is this being the good girl?
I have wrestled with this idea throughout my adult life. I can be very in touch with the anxiety that surfaces about bringing the right/buying the right/wearing the right/having the right “thing.” I can be quite the stress-queen if I spend too much time looking at catalogs or watching HGTV. Do I HAVE to have THAT to be accepted?
I push back against the idea that dinner should be waiting for my husband when he gets home and I should be in charge of making all plans and so on. This became especially true when I started working from home but wasn’t yet working full time. I was here. Why wasn’t I keeping the house clean/making dinner/going to the grocery store/paying the bills on time? My husband never said he had this expectation, but my fear was big enough to start making assumptions about my “new” role. I had to realize that sometimes I push back to an extent that I forget we simply do these things for one another because we love one another.
I am bringing up two different ideas, but I think they are intimately connected. When we are younger our parents want us to be good girls. “Please be a good girl,” they tell us as we walk into a nice store, sit down in a nice restaurant, get ready to visit the relatives. Be a good girl. And that was easy for me. I will be good, quiet, behave, sit where told, smile, listen quietly while the adults talk, not swear, keep my skirt down, and on and on. And as we get older, we start to realize society also has expectations for how we can be the good girlfriend/woman/wife/mother/professional and on and on.
Somewhere along the way, you realize that there are many shades to being the good girl. And one day you realize, you are really always the good girl. Even when you say “fuck,” or forget to keep your skirt down, or get really drunk, or inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings, or bring attention to yourself, or make a lot of mistakes, and so on.
I want to propose a new way of looking at this. A new understanding of what being “a good girl” means. I recognize that the term “good girl” may not resonate with everyone. However, I think it is a phrase we all know; especially when we hear the voice of a parent say, “Be a good girl.” Imagine if our parents had said, “Be your best self.” What would this mean?
To be your best self is to do the best you can each day and honor that sometimes the best you can do isn’t what you hoped to do but the best you can do all the same.
To be your best self is to listen to the voice inside you.
To be your best self is to push yourself to be more than you ever thought you could be.
To be your best self is to speak your mind and shares your feelings while being aware of others.
To be your best self is to invite yourself to let go of the expectations of others to realize that you alone must own your journey.
To be your best self is to make a lot of mistakes, and even wallow in the bad choices for a bit, but eventually try to identify the lessons and then go about learning from them.
To be your best self is to admit you are not perfect and then to set out on an adventure of acceptance.
To be your best self…
I ask you: What would you add to this list? What does this mean to you?
(*yes, i am leaning against a statue of an indian. statues like this are everywhere on my boarding school's campus.)
*****
updated in 2011: Self-Portrait Challenge (SPC) was a website that encouraged people to take and share self-portraits. I am sad to report that it no longer has an active website, so I have removed links that appeared in the posts connected to my participation in this project.
self-portrait
Reader Comments (23)
I think this was a really great post. I just skipped this week because (a) I'm way too busy and need to get off the freaking computer (which I'm obviously not doing) and (b) I write so much about what's wrong with me anyway.. to find even more imperfections would be to dig into the things that really are just too personal. I've already spelled out how *not perfect* I am.. and maybe that in itself is an imperfection.
Wonderful, thought provoking post. "To be you best self" is perfect!
You are so wise beyond your years. Have you ever thought of writing a book?
I was a good girl too (though in public school). I've rebelled a bit since but have found it wholly unsatisfying and regrettable, still the good girl beneath it all. I have, however, come to many of the same conclusions you list here and am more gentle with myself and my expectations.
Another thoughtful post Liz.
reading this made me grateful for how my parent's raised me. especially my mom. i relationship has not always been easy (sometimes far from), but i think it was always important to her that she raise me to "be my best self" rather than to "be a good girl."
ok, so i was never a very good girl. maybe that is what my mom loved most about me. the way i was able to break rules in the ways she never did. and now i love her for letting me be my own person and for letting me learn from my own mistakes.
this is a powerful, thought-provoking post, liz. dang, you amaze me on a regular basis!
yes, i too have lived under the tyranny of the good girl...and oh how she terrorizes me. you're talking about the girl who carried her bible to school every day of high school...yes, i did... you're talking about the girl who just can't bring herself to say 'fuck'...her mother would know and instantly die of a heart attack...i just know it... and let me tell you, in my comments to lynn yesterday i mentioned that i've had this idea for a poem rolling around in my head called 'fucking johnny depp' and that i just can't bring myself to write it because, well, that would be too much. she encouraged me to give it a try and today i sat down and started to formulate my ideas around the poem and i had to stop because i scared the hell out of myself. there is this women inside of me that i just don't recognize, a woman who has been caged up for so long that when i get close to her i get really, really scared...i hope ya'll can help me with a little bit of this in nov...
i like the way you are redefining 'the good girl'...i like it a lot
i love how SARK has touched all of us in similar ways. it was that excerpt about being "the good girlfriend" that changed my life as well. she started a revolution and it is up to us to pass it on.
i am so loving "be your best self". that is the key. The. Key.
i know when i have my child and i hear myself saying this to them, thoughts and gratefulness for you will enter my mind.
thank you for always inspiring me to think beyond.
love you and loved our phone chat today.
xoxoxoxoox
Being a good girl myself, I found this wonderfully thought provoking. I hand on to certain good girl traits, and reject others (and who knows if I've kept the right ones...but isn't that a good girl thing to say?) One element that hangs on and on is the ability to switch into good girl mode when appropriate--when around church people or board members or whatever, I become not-myself, unfailingly polite and doing exactly what is expected. And then I hate myself for flipping int that mode because it's most often not true to myself. Bah!
Stated eloquently and perfectly dear girl. xo
i agree with Star - you should gather all this wisdom together and write a book - baby, you're the new Sark :-)
i was the good girl as a child, then hit 15 and things seemed to change. my thoughts and actions were definitely of the 'fuck you, i'll do what i want' kind. then i left home and all hell broke loose. (i didn't want to do neil's version of the meme cos i'd have to tick too many boxes!)
be your best self is perfect for us all i think. i would add:
To be your best self is to open your mouth and say what needs to be said, to express yourself clearly and fully and unashamedly.
Maggie is sitting on my lap right now and I do want her to grow up being her best self and not thinking in her head "oh, I must be the good girl" What a balancing act though...to not repress children as they grow but to set and teach them to have boundaries.
PS Love your high school photo!
As a "good boy" to this day, I completely related to this post. Maybe one day, we'll need to bake some cookies together and hand them out to needy people.
Oh goodness do I relate to this post, on every level. I too, was the good girl, the catholic school girl, the stable girl. And, I still am, although I have incoporated color and imagination into my life. Being the good girl does not inherently lend itself to being less experienced, it just changes the perspective on that a bit. I think it forces us to draw a fine line in the sand, and distinquish ourselves...to ourselves. The minor infractions, like swearing, and occassionally looseing control only serve to remind us and others that we are human, and thank goodness for that!
Awesome awesome post!
This post is sticking with me like spaghetti on the fridge door. I was still thinking about it when I walked into the office this a.m. (On time, of course, because I'm a good girl.)
I was very much a good girl too - or I thought I was! Then I read the meme that you sent me to and I realized that I have done an awful lot of those things... hmm... perhaps I am a badass afterall :) (and I think that you are too!!)
xo
I was also the good girl, but mostly because I wanted to be. I saw that doing the opposite tended to cause lots of problems and I was (and am) a problem avoider. Doesn't mean I never did anything wrong. I did. I am actually happy that my life has been so tranquil because of that whole good girl thing. I prefer the tranquillity.
I was a good girl by my moms standards...Which, well. I didn't do drugs or get pregnant. Score!
No, actually it was more than that. I was RESPONSIBLE. Maybe more than the 'good girl'. I was the one who held things together, and didn't let people down.
...It is a lot of work.
My friend Casey, whom I have writen about before, is a true Good Girl. We have talked about it alot. The pressure of it. The way people can misunderstand you, and ignor your needs. Do Good Girls have needs??
Having a daughter now, I was moved moved moved! by your idea of saying "be your best self", instead of be a good girl. Because that is all I want for her! I don't want to make her think she has to be anything she is not, or ever not enough of anything! Thank you for that thought, wise you. ;)
:)
oh yes, i was one of the "good ones" too.
it's gotten old. ;)
As someone above said, you amaze me on a regular basis, Liz.
Truly. Deeply. Wildly.
Thank you for sharing YOUR best self with us. You help us find the best within us.
Oh, honey, you don't know how this resonates with me.
I spent a lot of time being one of the Good Girls in my younger days and I think I missed out on a lot. In the second half of my life I want to Live Large! I want to fill up my spot in the world until there's no room for fear.
I'm still fighting against that "good girl" in me that feels that she STILL needs to impress her parents. I'm pushing 30... isn't it time to move on??
Nothing against the "good girl" persona, but for me it's been a barrier to fully living the life that I OWN. that is truly JUST ME.
I love your "be your best self" mantra. It's something we all should participate in more often.
very thought provoking indeed,
you have given me lots to ponder...
especially since i had
always been considered a "good girl"
too...
that is until my first engagement
was off and then all hell broke loose
:)
dearest liz... once again your post resonates so deep.
I recently finished a large fiber piece. The work is an ode to the decisions we make.
After completing this art, it struck me that the underlying theme behind all my creations is "to have no regrets". I am constantly asking the viewer to examine the path they are traveling. Is it full of shoulds, coulds, woulds?
Your words are always so very introspective and thoughtful. Thank YOU for sharing.. my dear sweet friend!