the good, the bad, and the envy {self-portrait challenge}
I have been singing Paul Simon’s song “Wartime Prayers” for several days now, and I am continually struck by the line, “I want to rid my heart of envy, and cleanse my soul of rage before I’m through.”
The honesty of this idea. Admitting we hold envy and rage inside of us is a difficult thing. Many of us might say, “oh no, not me. I don’t feel envy or rage.” It might be easy to let a similar phrase just roll off of your tongue. Hmmm…might not happen very often, but I suspect we all go to a place of envy or rage in our minds every now and then.
Envy comes up for me when I flip through the pages of magazines and catalogs. That feeling of “I want” followed by envy of those who “have” what it is that “I want.” I want to look like that actress and have her clothes and live in a big house on the coast and on and on and on and on. Take a breath. Take a breath.
Envy comes up for me when I hear that someone can eat whatever they want and are thin as can be. When I hear someone say they love to exercise. When I hear someone would rather have salad than dessert. (Okay, maybe not the last one…I wouldn’t trade those doughnuts and jam I had last week for any other food out there…maybe it is when someone has the willpower to eat more salad and less dessert.)
Envy comes up for me when I read an incredible book like Eat, Pray, Love. I want to be published. I want…I want…I want…
Envy comes up for me when I hear people talk about their ability to set boundaries with others in their lives. That they have found a way to say “no” and that they are okay with whatever the other person responds.
Envy comes up for me when I hear about couples who have sex all the time. Yep. I am so jealous of those couples.
Envy comes up for me when I read about people being able to travel all over the country, all over the world. The places they have been.
Envy comes up for me when I hear a leader of another country make sense and speak coherently.
Envy comes up for me when people can ease into shoulder stand without fear.
Envy comes up…envy comes up…
When does it come up for you?
self-portrait
Reader Comments (28)
It took me a long time to admit envy. First I had to learn how to want. That it was okay to want. Most often envy doesn't live with me...but there are times, oh my. And it's usually about getting to stay home, not having to leave my garden or my studio or my kitchen to do the making-a-living-thing. I want to nest more.
All of the above.
Great post. You are not alone.
I have thought about this before...both of these... the rage and the envy.
I am envious of everyone who describes their childhood as fun, loving, a wonderful time in thier life. I am envious when I hear adults talk of their parents/caregivers with awe and respect.
I have rage over these same issues.
Excellent post. I struggle daily trying to be content with what I have. I think it is a ongoing battle that many of us have, admittedly or not. Just to thinking, writing, or talking about it helps though. Stay strong!
I seem to want so much.....and I'll be the first to admit of being envious and mostly of things that don't matter much in the big scope of life ~ sigh.
I love this post my honest dear friend and your photo.
liz, your post tonight really struck me. it triggered in me something i have been needing to figure out how to word. thanks for writing this.
i'll admit it...i have envy...
and what about these: envy comes up for me when another blogger writes a really fabulous post that i wish i'd written...or when they write a post about something i just wrote about a week or two ago and everyone thinks their post/idea is the best thing since sliced bread...or every poetry thursday when i read other bloggers poems...or photos that are better than mine...or when several bloggers get linked in a post and i'm not one of them...or when another blogger gets more comments...
do any of those sound familiar? i know they do for me...and as much as i hate it, it's true...i have blogger envy...
I agree with Michelle...maybe not so much envy, but...maybe caring too much what other's think, say, or don't say.
love to you Liz
XxxDarlene
It is that very envy that I think signifies a need for finding inner peace. We think it comes from having this, that, or the other, when the reality is that it comes from no one except ourselves in the form of acceptance.
You sure hit on a mother lode of a topic in this well-written post. I think almost all of us can identify with what you said.
Great pic...great writing.
I will admit it... I feel the envy and the rage...
You wrote this perfectly, and I have to say that I agree with you on all you said... especially the couples who have sex all the time thing!!! Why do they get to do it all the time and not MEEEEEEEE!!?!?!?! :)
xoxox
~Georgia
a lot.
love you.
yeah, envy.. i know that bedfellow.... i've just had 3 days of it while in london..... things i want, places i want to go, people i want to be.....
but the most difficult one for me is the sadness/envy i feel when i read about how happy and in love other bloggers are with their beloveds.... i'm thrilled for them of course i am, but it turns the knife in my heart a bit more. :-(
Why do you like Planet Sark?
All I see is fighting women in there.
Tell me, do you see something different?
liz,
i'm teary right now, reading this. it rang a bell in me, like it seemed to ring in so many people.
i'm envious of people who can keep it together more, who don't stress out as much and have the right perspective towards workloads. i'm envious of people's energy levels. i'm envious of people who get to not only have as much sex with their loved ones as they want, but who get to see them as much as they want. i want, i want, i want...
thank you, dear. i cannot express to you how inspiring i find your writing, how much of a safe haven it is to me. how beautiful it is to find new words every morning to take with me throughout my day.
Oh...Liz Elayne, this post was my post--I even played with my SPC entry to cast it in shades of green and use it to discuss my own feelings of envy and jealousy. Ultimately, I went a different way--but, what you have written here perfectly captures my heart as well. This is such an incredibly difficult set of emotions...your picture articulates it beautifully. I get blogger-envy, actually considered closing comments for good so that I wasn't worried about a piece of writing not "getting enough"--but then, I have contact with a couple of bloggers now and it means a lot to me and it NEVER would have come about if I hadn't left my comments open and actually read them. I also want to be published and this weighs on me...when I get a galley copy to review for the magazine and it isn't great, I think "THIS person is published and I'M not yet?" I appreciated you sharing this side of yourself b/c it is a part of so many of us and we don't like to look at it. You have (sincerely) deepened my journey with the mirror-meditation (which I'm still doing!) and your thoughtful ideas here. I appreciate it... --D.--
Hi Liz,
I came to your blog through "Colors On My Mind" and have since added your link to my blog. Your honesty is quite beautiful and I envy that in my writing. I try to be as honest as possible, yet I can see where I second-guess myself. Thanks so much for sharing your envy! Your writing is an inspiration! --Robin
Liz - Your posts never cease to amaze and inspire me.
I don't often comment, but this one really did strike a chord for me.
You are so honest and open - it is a healthy thing!! I strive to be as honest with myself!
hmmmm...this is definately
something to think about...
i think i am envious most often
of people who are doing what
they want to do for a living...
i just can't seem to find that
balance between doing something that
i like that allows to make enough
money to live comfortably.
something to strive for,
i guess.
yeah, i suffer from envy. mainly envy of those with an easy nature, who seem effortless to me. i try to use my envy as apiration to where i want to travel.
but then again i am green eyed- the original green eyed monster?
you've hit the nail on the head once more, sweetness x x x
Lady,
I just purged that copy of Marie Claire last night. I really enjoyed it, too. I'm envious of people who don't have to move this Friday. I'm envious of people who can ask for help. Really, why aren't you in Chicago packing my glasses?
M
I've been encountering a lot of envy lately. It's been coming in big salty green waves. When this happens I try to think about something from The Artist's way, to think about this response as a clue to what it is I'm longing for. What is it I really want when I feel that familiar surge of pain and yearning?
I am always inspired by your honesty, your tenderness and the beautiful person you are.
My envy list would be almost identical to yours, Liz.
I like your photo!
Love this post and this question, Liz. Such courage and willingness to share.
I envy people who have partners they love and who love them.
I envy people with thick, beautiful hair.
I envy the "yoga sticks" who are so flexible and centered.
Just ran across this blog from Robin's blog (R's Musings) and liked this post very much. As for envy, I think I get into that place sometimes with people who still have their parents and closest friend (my mother, closest friend, and father have died within the last few years at relatively young ages 52, 31, 57), and I especially identified with the one about people able to set good boundaries. And eat what they want. If I meet someone who has all that going for them, (super-high metabolism + mental health), I might have an envy meltdown! Thanks for the great post!
I envy those who are so rich that they work at what they want to, rather than doing work that they have to do, and don't have to compromise their lifesytle.