the good, the bad, and the envy {self-portrait challenge}

I have been singing Paul Simon’s song “Wartime Prayers” for several days now, and I am continually struck by the line, “I want to rid my heart of envy, and cleanse my soul of rage before I’m through.”

The honesty of this idea. Admitting we hold envy and rage inside of us is a difficult thing. Many of us might say, “oh no, not me. I don’t feel envy or rage.” It might be easy to let a similar phrase just roll off of your tongue. Hmmm…might not happen very often, but I suspect we all go to a place of envy or rage in our minds every now and then.

Envy comes up for me when I flip through the pages of magazines and catalogs. That feeling of “I want” followed by envy of those who “have” what it is that “I want.” I want to look like that actress and have her clothes and live in a big house on the coast and on and on and on and on. Take a breath. Take a breath.

Envy comes up for me when I hear that someone can eat whatever they want and are thin as can be. When I hear someone say they love to exercise. When I hear someone would rather have salad than dessert. (Okay, maybe not the last one…I wouldn’t trade those doughnuts and jam I had last week for any other food out there…maybe it is when someone has the willpower to eat more salad and less dessert.)

Envy comes up for me when I read an incredible book like Eat, Pray, Love. I want to be published. I want…I want…I want…

Envy comes up for me when I hear people talk about their ability to set boundaries with others in their lives. That they have found a way to say “no” and that they are okay with whatever the other person responds.

Envy comes up for me when I hear about couples who have sex all the time. Yep. I am so jealous of those couples.

Envy comes up for me when I read about people being able to travel all over the country, all over the world. The places they have been.

Envy comes up for me when I hear a leader of another country make sense and speak coherently.

Envy comes up for me when people can ease into shoulder stand without fear.

Envy comes up…envy comes up…

When does it come up for you?

Comments

[lovegreendog]

wow, this is amazing. you always offer up so much to think about.
i envy the "daddy's girls" of the world. rage is so powerful and scary to me, i have to think about that one longer.
thank you.

[violetismycolor]

Hi Liz,

First off, thanks for the comment on my blog.

Secondly, You wrote an absolutely beautiful post. Everyone has envy, of course, but most are not brave enough to admit it.

Actually, I don't see envy as a bad thing. It is a message, like all the emotions in our lives. It tells us where we feel lack, where we feel inadequate in our lives. I look at the feelings that I have and see what it says about me. What I want to change, what I have to accept, what direction it might push me to go.

[samantha]

Yes! oh, yes! Doesn't it feel good to say it out loud, and know that everyone feels relieved in that, oh, I'm not alone?

Let me just echo that one about envying the couple who has sex all the time. Not just sex, but hanging from the chandeliers sex. We are all different, with different drives, and that was something I really had to face. Oh, the joys of marriage!

And god, do I have comment envy. Sometimes. But I've pretty much let it go. What really did me in was when an enemy started a blog and a very high profile blogger linked to her several times. That's when I had to call on Jesus...alot...:)