in this moment {i am}

 

in this moment, i am

trying to find my way

handing over the fears to the candle burning on my altar

hoping you understand

wishing for a tiny shift

believing in the story that whispers inside me

letting go of your words

holding onto the sound of laughter

dusting off the truth

choosing faith

knowing some things might always have to just be what they are

standing tall in the light and the darkness

seeking the nurturing my heart needs

catching the stories that swirl in the air

building myself a boat to navigate all of it

just like that

this spot once held the beginnings of a steam-of-consciousness post. a post where i began to list in sentence form the reasons why the post would not be full of sparkles or something that would make you smile. how it would instead be full of truth and realness and sadness. there is so much i was going to say in that post.

but life kept interrupting. repeatedly. every few words. 

so in this moment, i come to this spot hours later and will say this instead:

millie, our other child who happens to be a golden retriever, almost died friday. just like that. the doctor was not sure she would survive the night. she then had emergency surgery saturday. and tonight, she is curled up beside jon's feet while he grades. just like that.

on friday afternoon, when ellie and i drove to the emergency vet clinic, a few minutes behind millie and jon, i explained why mama was crying. telling her that sometimes we cry when we are really afraid. explaining how mama loves millie very much and how she is my friend and how in my love for her, the thought of her dying made me scared and sad. and then i explained how millie has been my constant companion through some of the darkest days i have ever known. how she came into our lives in a very unexpected way and, just like that, she began to walk beside me through the deepest grief i have ever known; she began to walk beside us and taught us even more about love. i explained that this is what love is all about.

tonight, as i try to wrap my brain around having another patient who is healing in the house and now two notebooks full of feeding/medication schedules that sit side by side on the kitchen table, i find myself wishing upon wishing for a break from it all. wishing upon wishing for someone to walk through the front door and say, "i've got it right now girl. you can just rest for a while."

tonight as i type this, i take a break and turn to david whyte to try to remember the truth of what i know. his poem "the well of grief" does that for me. those words remind me of what i know about the truth of standing in this moment on my path. the truth of choosing to see all of it. the truth of living with my heart wide open.

tonight, i take a break for just a few minutes and turn up joshua radin as he sings into my ears and close my eyes and choose.

i choose.

i choose.

my heart is full

flowers on kelly rae's dining room table (all the flowers in her house made me smile at every turn)

my heart feels full of so many good things this evening and i thought i would share a few...

i am bustling about gathering things for Reveal, the Be Present Retreat that will take place this week. i cannot wait to see the ready to dive into the good stuff faces of the participants and teachers. we are going to have so much fun. (and soon, very soon, i will be sharing sneak peeks into a few of the retreats that are to come in 2011.)

a big thank you to all who visited my shop during my gratitude special. oh my goodness it was such a treat to read the notes from shoppers who were so excited to receive a free simple soul mantra necklace chosen just for them. and because of all your support, we are going to be able to purchase a few things we need for the weeks to come and i am so very grateful for that. (insert a big photo of me with my arms open to envelop you in a hug.) the shop will close tuesday morning for a few weeks while i focus on the reveal retreat and then ellie jane's health needs.

last week, ellie and i took a quick trip to portland to visit kelly rae. it was such a treat to see my friend standing firmly in her motherhood journey as she awaits her son's birth day. and i feel so blessed to be walking beside her as we each learn about being a new mama. (and her new house is so beautiful! i am deeply inspired to do the nesting i didn't really find myself doing while pregnant. later this fall, i plan to pull out all the vintage linens i have been collecting for various projects and begin to actually use them in my own home.) and, we were also lucky enough to see jen and cean for a couple of hours before we left town. so nice to know i can take ellie on quick little road trips to get us out into the world a bit and connect with our extended support system.

friday evening, i turned up macy gray again and sang and danced with ellie. and she laughed the entire time. not kidding here. she laughed through the entire song. it was pure bliss. her laughter and her happy nature feel like such a contrast to her health stuff...but yet here she is giggling her way through a song about how no matter what is happening, there is beauty in the world. 

and today, in this moment, i am holding on to the wise words of jen lemen that fear can be a gift and resting inside the truth that things are unfolding exactly as they should.

yes yes yes.