what is real (today)

 

friendship

love

understanding

a hand to grasp in the darkness

(this is today)

*****

i have begun taking a daily ::what is real:: mirror photo.

the series started the first night that we slept for a few hours at the tree house while ellie was in the PICU. in a few minutes of quiet when i was by myself in that room, i had this urge to document the real face of this new journey. in some ways, i wanted to feel seen by someone, and it turned out that being seen by myself was like a hand i could hold over those next few days. 

i have continued to seek what is real in a moment each day. before i take the photo, i think about what is real in this moment and let my face relax to wherever that truth lies. then i snap.

i am documenting the photos over on flickr but will share them here from time to time.

patience.

point defiance park . august 2009 (photo by jon)

On June 3, we began our journey toward a new normal with a new member of our family, and just as we were finding our footing, another path appeared to add an entirely new layer to this "normal."

And here we are.

Patience is our new mantra.

Yes.

On Monday, when we met with Ellie's cardiologist, Dr. S, the above quote from the Buddha floated through my mind. For the first two years of this blog, this quote appeared in my banner. Dr. S is very "be present, be here" as she pushes us to stay in this moment instead of moving our minds ahead toward the "what ifs." We have a pact; when she looks me in the eye and says "and now I am concerned," I can then start to really worry. Until then, we are waiting and breathing. Even though on paper, things are...well...somewhat scary, all of us are waiting and breathing. Ellie's medication is working, which means her heart isn't working quite so hard (which is good). We will be visiting Dr. S every couple of days for a bit to make sure Ellie's heart finds its way to the rhythm we want. (There is of course a story that tells the details of what we are experiencing, but just like my experience with my pregnancy and Ellie's birth, I am just not quite ready to go into all those details yet. Time...time...)

So here is the scoop I want to share: As we find our way in this new normal, I am finding that when I let my mama brain rest sometimes and allow my creative brain to take over, I feel more myself and can be a lot more present. So even though I will still share updates of how Ellie is doing and we will be spending time in doctors' offices and all that fun stuff, I am going to keep the creative juices flowing in this space as it feels right.

So stay tuned for:
More about my experience writing Inner Excavation (and a peek at the cover!)
A sneak peek of the amazing contributors who are in my book
A new necklace series in the shop
A new design to the shop
A few new collaborations
More about upcoming Be Present Retreats
...and a few other things

Thank you again for all of your kind words, prayers, emails, phone calls...we continue to feel so surrounded in love and hope. Even though we know we have no control over what is to come, each day, Jon and I look into Ellie Jane's eyes and believe that all will be okay. Thank you for believing along side us.

Blessings and light,

Liz

in this moment {what is real}

in this moment, i am sitting inside hope, inviting my emotional self to rest, keeping my eyes open (barely), climbing a learning curve, focusing on a little bean, and remembering (trying to remember) to breathe.

*****

about five years ago, i was in manzanita oregon (a place that has a piece of my heart) at a yoga retreat. during that retreat, i wrote the following: my work is to create peace around me and to write about true things, feelings, and moments so that others will know they are not alone....this is my practice. (you can read more about this here.)

a few weeks later, i started this blog, and that phrase has been a guide as i share things in this space. and, of course, i learned that by sharing the truth, i know that i am not alone.

today is a day where i need to be reminded of this.

for the last two days, we have been with miss ellie in the pediatric ICU. her heart has been "having a time of it." she is okay, and we expect that to continue. but we are scared and trying to stay really really present as we give so much love to this little one.

so if you feel moved, could you close your eyes and breathe deeply and send a little love and a few prayers to a little room in tacoma where a little heart (and a little family) is trying to find its way.

thank you...

blessings,

liz

november 27

me through jon's lens . november 27, 2009

so begins the me being real in this space about the new part of my path that includes the mama journey...

the new normal. this is the phrase i have been using today. i tried to explain it to jenna tonight...how sometimes i forget i am pregnant because the nausea, eat eat eat, oh no nausea, oh no to the bathroom quickly experience has morphed into the new normal.

twenty-one days to make a habit is something i learned from stephen covey many years ago in his habits of highly effective people. well, weeks and weeks of this has morphed into what feels a bit like a habit.

wake up. how do i feel? should i move? of course because i have to go to the bathroom like right now. (this tops my list of things they don't tell you. that the having to go to the bathroom all the time thing isn't a third trimester thing...nope, starts right at the beginning when the baby is the side of a poppyseed [really, get the emails from babycenter.com...this week, it tells us the baby is the size of a medium-sized shrimp...jon and i like the fruit analogies better as a kumwquat seems less vulnerable than a shrimp, don't you think?].)

then, my thoughts turn to "should i eat breakfast?" well, i have to eat something or i will be sick. what can i eat? and then the cycle continues. little meals they say. often. otherwise you will throw up. try to exercise. but if i move suddenly, i might throw up. yoga. yes. how i wish i could. but i cannot even imagine it at this point. time for a preggie pop (thanks dear girl as these really do help). the me of a year ago would not believe i know what something called a preggie pop is (and now you do too. you are welcome). this will end soon they say. hmmm. will it? some women have this the whole time. just wait until week 14. just a few days to go my friends. the magical week 14 will soon be upon me.

i appreciate the recommended book that calls this NVP instead of morning sickness which sounds like a cousin to the vapors. NVP = nausea and vomiting in pregnancy. yep. pretty much covers it. i have been feeling better as i have been taking some midwife-approved things that help. but then the nausea is replaced with pretty intense fatigue. and then a day like today sneaks in and it seems like nothing helps.

goodness i sound dramatic. but it was a really wacky moment this morning when i sat on the floor of the bathroom and jon came in with a glass of water and was rubbing my back and said something like, "thank you for carrying the baby bean" and i looked at him and said, "this morning, i haven't once thought about how i am pregnant." pause pause pause. "this is my new normal. i don't even think about the baby." it is like i jump from symptom to symptom...

this feeling like this is the new normal is an odd journey. not complaining exactly. not upset at anyone (and obviously not upset at the baby bean). certainly understand it is worth it as i cannot wait to meet this little soul in a few months. just painting a picture as this new normal is, at times, a tough way to navigate the world right now. at least for me.

and, it is an interesting thing to try to do everything that needs to be done and play all the roles one is expected to play (the roles i expect myself to play). i am doing a pretty good job of being gentle with myself. but when i receive emails from people wondering where i've been lately, all i can do is try to breathe and just know, my new normal is not their new normal. i can't wear all the hats right now. and that has to be enough.

and i know, and i trust, that it is.

a letter (to you).