realness. (rambles of a sleepy mind)
our days are upside down. what i wear for the day becomes my pajamas as what i wear for the day means yoga pants and a nursing tank. maybe it is that i am wearing my pajamas all day but putting them on in the morning or at noon instead of in the evening. sometimes i snap at jon because my brain seems mushy. not an excuse, just real. then i notice that he looks as tired as i feel and i try not to snap the next time. the burst of energy to create or do something fun comes around 9 PM, when miss ellie decides she has the same burst of energy but hers manifests as a need to cry. one book said that after having the whole day filled with newness (as my brother says, each moment for a newborn is filled with "why? why? why?" which makes me think of the seagulls in finding nemo saying "mine. mine. mine.") the little ones have a need to cry as a simple let down from it all. who knows if that is true as, of course, there are more opinions than there are babies it seems...but i do think about our adult need to sometimes cry just because after a long day filled with stuff and learning and new.ness. yes. i might have that need at any moment lately. i don't think people honor the truth of how shocking it is to have surgery while awake. this is a phrase that has been running through my mind. and to have that surgery while you are awake when you have been awake for 36 hours, when you spent 24 of those in intense labor...well, not many people talk about that. maybe they do but they just don't talk about it to the people who need their wisdom. or so it seems. is that too much information to share in this public place? will the judgement begin when the story is not even known? deep breath. i would love it if the sun would come out again this afternoon. she appeared yesterday afternoon out of no where so we sat outside for dinner with ellie in her bouncy seat and it was really wonderful. i hope for more moments just like that one. maybe today, as the delightful miss viv will be in the house (how lucky i am to have friends who get me and want to spend the night even though a newborn is in the house and might prevent a long night of sleep) and it would be superb if we could eat the berries + whipped cream i have been dreaming about while sitting on quilts outside in the sunny rays of early evening. that would be perfect. trying to decide if i am going to keep sewing today during those bursts of free time or if i want to bring out the paints. am working on a few new designs for the shop inspired by time with miss ellie. funny how even in this sleepy-mind time i have had more new ideas for what i want to create than i had all of last year. we have rearranged some of the house and have the big dining room table in a place where we can actually use it. it can be a table for eating, sewing, grading, painting, and how the list goes on. finally. we are figuring it all out. together. this family thing. we are figuring it out...
and i can't get this song out of my head...have loved it for years (though eleanor was named after someone, not this song) and found the video on youtube and just had to share...(a song that has groovy rhyming with movie AND the word etcetera? what more could a girl want?)
hope things are beautiful in your world...thanks for reading the ramblings of mine...
this is me in the moments.
Reader Comments (19)
for me, not talking about the whole surgery while awake and the whole, surreal experience in general, has been not wanting to impart my own story onto another.
but dude, you know i get it. and i love you. xo
We've reduce major abdomal surgery into simply a "c-section". Anyone who thinks it's no big deal should try having open heart surgery and then being on call 24/7 with a tiny crying, utterly helpless human being AND trying to also deal with normal, day to day stuff while healing. Mums are truely secret super sHEROs.
sending you wishes for sunshine and berries + cream and moments of stillness and rest.
thanks for sharing. i mean it.
thank you for sharing - i mean it too. It's your honesty about things that makes me coming back here again and again. Thank you, Liz. I am excited for you that you seem to get a lot of inspiration!
Beauty, truth, emotion in those ramblings ... it is hard. No, easy. No, really, it takes everything you've got.
But it's so worth it. And surely the sun is on its way.
I love you and John and little Ellie.
xo
Liz,
Love that you keep speaking your truth. The newness of what you've been through, what you're going through, is awesome and profound. Keep honoring that.
Love to you,
deb
The truth is the truth. When i discovered your blog a short time ago one of the things i noticed was your openess and willingness to speak your truth. So, no -it's not TMI.
I too went through the same with my last child. I understand. I think you are doing a magnificent job. And to be creative in the midst of it is magical.
you took me back to the days when my son was a newborn (and he is 24 now)...those days when you feel like you are in a trance going through the motions trying to get your rhythm back, trying to fit this new life into the person you were before. And I didn't even have surgery, I can't even imagine how much more difficult that makes it.
It is a crazy wondrous time, these first days...overwhelming and magical and difficult and joyous. Things will even out, hang in there, and I think it is wonderful that you have this place to share your feelings.
I've got to echo the above comment -- I didn't have surgery with my son, and I thought that was hard -- you are a strong woman with a wonderful spirit that will not be put down. I'm amazed that your creativity keeps percolating through it all. My thoughts have been with you and your family a lot these days. Keep breathing!
I remember the first few months after my first was born as being some of the most difficult days of my life. This is a time of shedding your old skin, and everything about who you thought you were and all your expectations of what motherhood would be like. Motherhood asks that you truly lay yourself down for your child, and you are in this metamorphosis right now, from your old self to the new. You are in the "soup" phase of becoming a beautiful mama/butterfly. Its hard, really, really hard, I know. Think of this as a note from the future back to you, from one who is a few steps ahead on the journey....it really will get better. You are the perfect mama for that sweet babe. Your new normal is just around the corner. (((hugs)))
hi liz....congrats on your new baby love.....there are those of us who DO talk about, write about it, yell from thetop of our lungs how to avoid it if possible. Internation Cesarean Awareness Network...ICAN. We have a huge group here in Portland, I think your Seattle group is going strong too.
you are doing it all with grace and beauty as can be expected. the key is the love.....and you have more than enough. my offering is an important book if you haven't read it yet. The Aware Baby. amazing.....lots of love toyou
No, that was not TMI. I have enjoyed every stage of my son's life, but there is nothing as precious as a newborn. Enjoy the time, and nap when the baby naps. How wonderful that the creative ideas are pouring out!
oh liz, sweet soul, some of us dont talk about it because it seems it might feel jarring to hear by a young woman happily anticipating so blessed an event. when do we speak our truth? when is it safe for another to hear? it takes time my lovely to heal physically and emotionally and yes spiritually from these traumatic yet joyful experiences. you are such a gentle soul, remember little ellie chose YOU and you are the best mother for her. so happy that you can have "moments" to yourself to touch your other creative side. keep on being patient with the figuring out stuff. much love
I can relate wholeheartedly with your exhaustion! I would get so tired I'd break down and cry right there with my crying baby. I am in awe of you...truly in awe.
AND I think you're swell....
you always remind me to tell the truth...speak the truth...own the truth...and embrace the truth... and i love you...deeply...for that...
Surgery while awake in a highly emotional state of exhaustion was the worst moment of my entire life. And it was also the best moment of my entire life. And it took much time and healing and introspection to be at peace with those opposites. Healing while getting no sleep plus having the hugest most wonderful life change happen all at the same time? Mind boggling. It is weird to talk about, it tends to scare people who haven't been through it. Wishing you sunshine & berries & I love that song!
Liz,
I had three sections, I went into each labor fully expecting a non-surgical birth. I know how you feel. The hardest thing for me was forgiving my body for what I deemed its failure. Give yourself time to heal, rest and breathe. I wish I could hug you because reading this post brought SO many emotions and memories flooding back. It will get better.
thank you for sharing this. seems you and i have had very similar birthing experiences. you sharing here helps me to validate my own emotions/thoughts towards my experience.
i am sending ellie and you so much love and light from the mountains of utah.