hello seventh-grade self
Over here in my corner this week, I am becoming friends with my seventh-grade self.
As I sit here in my little house as Ellie Jane naps, I am thinking about how the Internet is such a distraction and such a gift. But when it distracts, it can really knock me into a dark part of my corner where I am no longer thinking about the light.ness or how my corner sings, but am instead sitting inside fear and envy and deep hurt. It is funny how I can let this little box that sits in front of me have so much power…it is funny how I can feel like I am right back in middle school as I click from link to link. Because of the Internet, there are so many things we can experience that are not so helpful or healthy, such as:
Experiencing an unfriending
Feeling like a fly on a wall when reading unkind things about ourselves
Wishing our life looked like someone else’s
Thinking that a blog post represents who someone really is
Gossiping about someone’s new creative adventure/endeavor
Comparing ourselves to people we have never even met
Comparing ourselves to our friends
Becoming a bit of a stalker as we notice someone who we thought was a friend comment on everyone else’s walls/blog posts/Flickr photos while we experience radio silence
I write these things knowing there is so much more to add to the list and knowing that even though I feel some shame at experiencing all these things myself, I am not alone in any of this.
Hello seventh-grade self.
One truth though is that I can control a lot of this. I can choose how I respond or how I spend my limited free time or where I go when I click from site to site. (There is so much we can control if we choose.)
And then there are the things I can’t control. I can’t control what others will say. There are the things I know about that become like a broken record in my head. (She is an amateur. Just look at her blog. Who does she think she is?) Then the things I don’t know about become empty balloons above people’s heads that I fill in with assumptions and fears.
Hello seventh-grade self.
And I appreciate the idea of “you just have to let it go,” because you can’t control it. You cannot know why people do what they do or say what they say. You are only in charge of you. (I am only in charge of me.) But that letting go thing is not always easy, and to be honest, when someone tells me to do just that, I often feel like they are dismissing the very real feelings I am having. And those feelings, although perhaps a waste of time, are real and swirling around inside me.
Recently though a friend challenged me in a different way. Instead of telling me to let it go or focus on how there is so much more good than not so good, she said something like this, “When you feel like you should go back and read those words, do something else.” She pushed me to see that my free time could be filled with “eating peaches” (oh how I love peaches) or resting or working on something good instead of trying to find out if people like me. (Okay, I added that last part, but I know that was what she was gently suggesting.)
I slept on it.
And the next morning I had this thought: Instead of wasting time on that “stuff” (the collective “stuff” that distracts me from making my corner beautiful), I am going to dance. Whenever the thought comes that I should to "click" to see if I am measuring up, I am going to stand up and dance, even if just for a second or two.
But before I could put this into practice, as Ellie took her morning nap, I found myself right back inside seventh grade.
(Sigh.)
At least I saw it happening this time.
And I decided to go into my folder of photos from my childhood to see if I could find my seventh-grade self. I wanted to have a picture in my mind to think about whenever this happened. As you probably guessed, there she is…right there at the top of this post. Doing the “Glee” thing (before Glee was cool) at a theatre summer camp in Wisconsin.
As I looked at this photo, I started thinking about my braces and the boy that I “liked” then (and wanted to “go with” not that we were going anywhere) and the pimples and the bad "oh my goodness why did she let me do it" perm. I started thinking about the not fitting in and the wanting to be someone else and the wishing my friends actually liked the real me who I was afraid to be a lot of the time.
And then all this collided with thinking about my decision to dance when I started to feel like I am not “measuring up.” And I looked at the next photo…
Oh. Hello seventh-grade self.
Hello girl who is so happy to be dancing and singing her heart out on a stage. Hello seventh-grade self (who lives inside me even now) who didn’t care what one person in that audience thought about her because there was no place she would rather be than living in that moment, singing, and smiling so big inside she thought she could change the very world with that song.
Hello seventh-grade self.
It is good to be spending time with you again.
your corner in real
Reader Comments (45)
love this a whole lot. an um. my seventh grade self wishes she was your seventh grade self because i was such an awkward geek who had a heart that longed for the dance. peace.
You dance, girl! You dance and all of us will learn from your dance and then dance ourselves!
Love your seventh grade pictures. You haven't aged a day!
Thanks for reminding all of us of those seventh grade fears and how we can choose to dance. Some days, I dance in your blog words and think that others are doing the same, as there is wisdom in those words. Thinking about you and your seventh grade self and sending hugs.
oh my.....i think i'm in a constant struggle with that girl many years ago too :-) the one inside that just wants to be liked and accepted. what you have said here is so so eye opening....i think its good to go back an revisit and then to turn to yourself now and say i am pretty darn cool (and the corner and story you've created is so uniquely yours). it took me a while to do that and i think its a journey i'll always be on. but i'm getting better.
boy, liz.....this is some good good medicine.
you are not alone in the act of getting sucked into looking around and wondering what others are thinking, and the act of comparisons. for all those moments when you start to worry that someone may be thinking "who does she think she is?" remember that there are many, many people-myself included-who think you're wonderful and that what you're sharing is important. it matters. xo
oh how I love this post, beautiful beautiful beautiful!
here is a link to the self I try to connect to these days
http://www.flickr.com/photos/10751420@N07/3348866282/in/set-72157614321869861/
YES. so love this, all of it.
i needed this today, thank you.
Dancing. PERFECT!!! the movement of emotional AND physical energy. Dang...that might even top eating peaches....well...maybe you could do both.
You're seventh grade self and my seventh grade self could have a lot to talk about. I rocked it on stage to "Footloose". With a perm. And I looked hot! :)
Of course, I needed to read this.
My seventh-grade self wanted to dance so badly. I am off to let her dance now. She thanks you.
and this is a post you can re-read instead of that other "stuff" when you feel tempted to check on your status in the world of the web, wise adult self that you are! great post!
I just love these pictures. :)
I love this post.
First I wish to say...how I hope that what I see from people is what I get! But a long time ago, a mutual friend of ours taught me that it is wise to put your best self out there for people, to make people happy to read what you post, and so-I try to stick by that because I agreed with it and still agree with it wholeheartedly. That person went through some personal turmoil which never reflected through in their blog and I always admired that they kept their personal life and their artistic life separate.
By that same token I was 'unfriended' by that very same person (so that made my own seventh grade self feel a bit sorry for herself.) :)
We all need to feel vaildated and loved. Bottom line. I think it is a very natural and basic human need.
Stats don't matter.
Comments don't matter.
YOU matter. EJ matters.
You keep on dancing girl! You have inspired me today, thank you.
xo
oh.
i terribly needed to read this, i desperately needed to know that
i
am
not
alone
when i feel this way...when i feel left out, when i feel on the fringe, disconnected,
not
good
enough.
every now and then, i really feel this way regarding photography
and i have to
just stop
looking at what anyone else is doing for a while...
otherwish...my camera feels as heavy as lead...
and i love how you have connected this to your 7th grade self...
i totally get that.
:O)
A very good reminder. I too suffer from some of those same feelings. Sometimes I need perspective and remember I have control of my feelings. Reading this here today is good perspective :)
Going to email you right this very minute.
I am grateful for this. I was in this head space yesterday and now i feel free. xo
love the pics, but especially the last one. :) have you read The Four Agreements? the only one that's really stuck with me is "Don't take anything personally." yeah, i know, that sh*t's a lot easier said than done...until we realize that when we get all up in our heads and comparing ourselves to others (as you so beautifully described here), chances are those other folks aren't intentionally trying to make us feel bad because they're probably up in their heads having similar thoughts about themselves. in other words, self-absorption can be universal. ;) that's not to say that i don't honor those feelings when you or i or anyone else has them. sadly, the blogosphere has become a lot like junior high in some ways and sometimes people can be cruel...and sometimes they hide their cruelty behind a facade of friendship. when that's the case, gently release them from your life with love. life is way too short to spend even a moment feeling bad over imagined comparisons. stand in YOUR truth, Liz. and when you feel a little down, get up and dance. even better, look into Ellie's eyes...she'll remind you of what's important. xo
Liz, thank you for being brave enough to say the words. I have bene feeling so alone with these same feelings, and now I don't feel alone or as overwhelmed anymore.
You have described what I have been feeling out here in the net recently.. I equated it to high school and have and do feel all the things on your list. I for one have loved connecting with you and hope to continue. We can hang together out here in the ether.. thanks as always for sharing your story and listening to mine.
I love the idea of dancing when you feel that 7th grade self.. I think I will try it too.
hugs and love
Karen D
It's nice to meet your seventh grade self! She appears to be every bit as beautiful and engaging as your 2011 self.
I understand this post and love the idea of standing up and dancing instead of clicking around online. I think I'll join you.
Peace!
Oh, how I would love to sit down for tea with you and all the commenters above! It is so reassuring not to be the only one with this on my mind lately. I'm starting to fear that Facebook has ruined the word "friend"... as I believe that the people who are my friends in real life would never speak to/around/about anyone the way they feel free to do as a FB "friend." It is so disheartening, and yes, right back to those pubescent attitudes, fears, and dramas. I, too, have to practice choosing not to re-read, and not even to respond; I get very disappointed in myself that I give the box so much power over me. Thanks for the food for thought... I need to choose a "dance" to do instead.
you looked great as a seventh grader!!! i do remember how hard it was trying to fit in and finding out who i really was at the same time. thanks for reminding us that we have choices.
Oh boy, what can I add.... this so needed to be said and who better to say it than you, dear Liz? Eloquent, heartfelt, raw and so, so real. Personally, 7th and 8th grade were 2 of the hardest years of my life. I remember crying as I was walking home from school and my mom coming to pick me up because she was so worried about me, but didn't know how to make it any better. wow - really bittersweet memories. And I have very few pics of that time because I hated the way I looked (braces and glasses). A lot has been said here already and I especially loved Marilyn's comments... I'll just add this Eckhart Tolle quote that I have run across a couple of times lately: "You allow everyone to be as they are. You don't need to change them; you don't need them to behave differently so that you can be happy." I love that and love you!
Thanks for sharing your feelings about this! I all too often feel similarly and I appreciate your words. I think I know one of the songs that you will have on your playlist :)
i heart your honesty, liz. you are so not alone with the things that you said here. and i so love the photo above with your eyes closed and your being in complete song - what a joyful moment.
why hello 7th grade self! i adore this.... i am dancing w/ fluffly socks on the cold tile floor half under a blanket as i type this. thank you for this glimmery shimmery post. it is just just just what i needed --.-- xoxo