hello seventh-grade self
Over here in my corner this week, I am becoming friends with my seventh-grade self.
As I sit here in my little house as Ellie Jane naps, I am thinking about how the Internet is such a distraction and such a gift. But when it distracts, it can really knock me into a dark part of my corner where I am no longer thinking about the light.ness or how my corner sings, but am instead sitting inside fear and envy and deep hurt. It is funny how I can let this little box that sits in front of me have so much power…it is funny how I can feel like I am right back in middle school as I click from link to link. Because of the Internet, there are so many things we can experience that are not so helpful or healthy, such as:
Experiencing an unfriending
Feeling like a fly on a wall when reading unkind things about ourselves
Wishing our life looked like someone else’s
Thinking that a blog post represents who someone really is
Gossiping about someone’s new creative adventure/endeavor
Comparing ourselves to people we have never even met
Comparing ourselves to our friends
Becoming a bit of a stalker as we notice someone who we thought was a friend comment on everyone else’s walls/blog posts/Flickr photos while we experience radio silence
I write these things knowing there is so much more to add to the list and knowing that even though I feel some shame at experiencing all these things myself, I am not alone in any of this.
Hello seventh-grade self.
One truth though is that I can control a lot of this. I can choose how I respond or how I spend my limited free time or where I go when I click from site to site. (There is so much we can control if we choose.)
And then there are the things I can’t control. I can’t control what others will say. There are the things I know about that become like a broken record in my head. (She is an amateur. Just look at her blog. Who does she think she is?) Then the things I don’t know about become empty balloons above people’s heads that I fill in with assumptions and fears.
Hello seventh-grade self.
And I appreciate the idea of “you just have to let it go,” because you can’t control it. You cannot know why people do what they do or say what they say. You are only in charge of you. (I am only in charge of me.) But that letting go thing is not always easy, and to be honest, when someone tells me to do just that, I often feel like they are dismissing the very real feelings I am having. And those feelings, although perhaps a waste of time, are real and swirling around inside me.
Recently though a friend challenged me in a different way. Instead of telling me to let it go or focus on how there is so much more good than not so good, she said something like this, “When you feel like you should go back and read those words, do something else.” She pushed me to see that my free time could be filled with “eating peaches” (oh how I love peaches) or resting or working on something good instead of trying to find out if people like me. (Okay, I added that last part, but I know that was what she was gently suggesting.)
I slept on it.
And the next morning I had this thought: Instead of wasting time on that “stuff” (the collective “stuff” that distracts me from making my corner beautiful), I am going to dance. Whenever the thought comes that I should to "click" to see if I am measuring up, I am going to stand up and dance, even if just for a second or two.
But before I could put this into practice, as Ellie took her morning nap, I found myself right back inside seventh grade.
(Sigh.)
At least I saw it happening this time.
And I decided to go into my folder of photos from my childhood to see if I could find my seventh-grade self. I wanted to have a picture in my mind to think about whenever this happened. As you probably guessed, there she is…right there at the top of this post. Doing the “Glee” thing (before Glee was cool) at a theatre summer camp in Wisconsin.
As I looked at this photo, I started thinking about my braces and the boy that I “liked” then (and wanted to “go with” not that we were going anywhere) and the pimples and the bad "oh my goodness why did she let me do it" perm. I started thinking about the not fitting in and the wanting to be someone else and the wishing my friends actually liked the real me who I was afraid to be a lot of the time.
And then all this collided with thinking about my decision to dance when I started to feel like I am not “measuring up.” And I looked at the next photo…
Oh. Hello seventh-grade self.
Hello girl who is so happy to be dancing and singing her heart out on a stage. Hello seventh-grade self (who lives inside me even now) who didn’t care what one person in that audience thought about her because there was no place she would rather be than living in that moment, singing, and smiling so big inside she thought she could change the very world with that song.
Hello seventh-grade self.
It is good to be spending time with you again.
your corner in real
Reader Comments (45)
liz....this was AWESOME!
sending you huge hugs!
xo
That is one beautiful, sassy girl.
That is you.
What has really helped me put all of my feelings into perspective was your first video about making our own corner unique. Bringing ourselves - our real selves - to the table when we share, that will attract like-minded kindreds.
Thank you for sharing how you feel.
I really love this post. Love the photos! Your 7th grade self was AWESOME!! Thanks for sharing this with us!
dear seventh grade liz,
hello from seventh grade nina. do you see me standing over here? i'm in the corner, pressed up against the wall. i don't want to be here, i would rather be at home. i've just been ganged up on down in the locker room by ten other girls, all i am wearing is my slip, and those girls grabbed me, carried me writhing and kicking out into the open air and threw me down right in front of the boys' locker room. i don't know why they wanted to pick on me. i've watched them push another girl down into a mud puddle, when she was wearing her fake leather jumper that her mother had made for her. she got up and ran off, crying. i don't remember the rest, why didn't i go to her? kids can be so cruel. until i left that stupid public school, i was picked on and made fun of, received prank calls, was treated like a thing instead of a girl with feelings and a heart.
hello, seventh grade liz.
will you be my real and honest friend? or will you leave me out of the group? will you include me? will you?
i will do that for you.
i won't call you and invite you on a fake airplane trip to hawaii, just to hear you get excited about something that wasn't real.
i won't tell you that the latest fashionable lipstick color is bright red, when it is really creamy pink, just to see if you will come to school the next day wearing red.
i won't tell you how flat you are, while sitting next to larry cline (actually it was larry who told me this).
i will let you sit with me at lunch.
i will not ignore you.
i will not be mean.
i will include you in my life.
i will not swirl and twirl and go to parties without you.
i will invite you to a slumber party and we will laugh into the night.
and together we can unite against the meanness of the world.
xo
honey, all i can say is... yes. yes to it all.
i appreciate you, so very much.
XO
Liz, I feel your pain. I had an unfortunate "falling out" with a friend 6 months ago...all over a very insensitive comment she made and then turned around to be "my problem," giving the classic non-apology "I'm sorry YOU TOOK IT that way." Another friend took her side and has also not spoken to me since. I can only describe their behavior as 7th grade behavior. Then came the "unfriending" on Facebook...ouch. I tried to take the high road with birthday and holiday cards, but received none in return. I have days I feel sad, days I feel angry and days I feel that they weren't the friends I thought they were (ie genuine) and I am better off without them. But still, over 25 years of acquaintance reduced to complete silence just because I stood up for myself is sad. So in honor of "One Little Word," my word for 2011 is "UNBURDEN." And so I work daily to rid myself of negative thoughts and try to focus on all that is good in my life and in this world. You, Liz, are one of those good things.
I love this post and I love the photos. You've always been a rock star!
First of all, your seventh grade self was SO FABULOUS. Seriously! Look at you!
Bringing up the thought of my seventh grade self is painful to the extreme. It was probably the worst year of my childhood/adolescence. Oh, so hard - I wish I could go back and tell myself to first of all, not believe what people say ("nobody likes you") and to acknowledge that I was having a really hard time, emotionally. I thank God that things got better from that year out - in 8th grade I had some fun friends, and then high school was a great experience. And yet, I'm proud of some of the ways I stood up for myself - I'll never forget, there was this awful boy who had a locker underneath mine and who would say the most awful stuff to me. Really inappropriate stuff, would press up against me - just SO WRONG! It took me awhile but I finally told our homeroom teacher and got his locker moved. I'm still very proud of my 7th grade self for not letting that boy sexually harrass me! (And believe me - it was not flattering at all. It was harrassment.)
I hope you see that your corner is such an amazing place. Any one with any sense or love in their heart would be honored to spend time with you, share a cup of tea, hold Ellie Jane while you nap or get some sewing done. I know I would! And I really have loved your videos because you reveal your playful side, your sense of humor - and I know, oh, this is a kindred spirit.
hi liz, what a great post! we all need to find that "little" girl in all of us again; to remember what it felt like to be carefree & be ourselves. you look great too & you can see how much fun you were having. i'm going to spend some time remembering my moments like that. :)
Hi Liz, came over from the video on Catina's blog - enjoyed it so much. Said basically what's in your post and it resonates with each of us. And the "mean" girls have more insecurity than we'll ever have! I've lived long enough now to have lost many "friends" and usually without having a clue as to why? I think it was Dr. Phil who said 2 people put lots and lots of deposits into the emotional bank account and occasionally one of you has a bad day, does or says something stupid and you are just taking a withdrawal from that account. But all those deposits means we are still rich and this little withdrawal doesn't even count on my radar. But there are all kinds of people - many "don't get it" in my opinion and I am o.k. now that I'm old(er) with that. I love you describing "my little corner" and I for one am in your corner and love what I see there - keep putting it out there and they will come ;-) Isn't it amazing that before this morning I never knew you and now I'm reaching out connecting with you? Believe us. Keep going. Dance all you want. The 2 or ten "sort of" friends we lost, but there are about 6 billion people left ;-)
Oh, my goodness. This almost literally took my breath away. A few years ago, I stumbled upon an email conversation between three friends that was all about me. I'm this, I'm that, I'm this and that. It took the wind out of my sails and 3+ years later I haven't fully recovered. Now when I'm in a group of people I can hear their voices in my head and I question every move I'm making; am I talking too much? Am I saying the wrong things? Do they hate me? Am I annoying?
But it's just the opinion of three people. Who weren't really true friends in the first place. And I readjust my thinking and move on. But it's a constant process.
And in the rest of my life my creativity is stunted because I'm online far too much comparing other peoples creations and thinking that mine could never be as pretty, as cool, as colourful, as amazing. Striving to move beyond this as well. Ahhhh, the struggles.
Thank you so very much for this post.
Oh I LOVE your 7th grade self...especially the second pic from the last.
So. You.
This was such a powerful post Liz. Thank you for writing it here.
ok, first I love the seventh grade sassy-singing-eyeshadow wearing-dancing-smiling you, she is not unlike the present sassy and etc you, and as to all the other words, thoughts and feelings... i so appreciate, honour and love that you have said all of them, and so I meet you with my own awkward, dorky sassy seventh grade self and say "hello, don't I know you?" xxxxxxxxxx
beautiful....I recently opened a box full of old photos of myself as well...and found myself wishing I could speak to those different 'selves' as well...but your post allowed me to see, that I should take the time to greet these other years of my life and welcome back what they have to teach the me in the now...not be overwritten by what the me of today would tell these moments from my past.....
thank you for this gift....I honestly needed your perspective.
blessings
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You have spoken deep, deep and deeper to my soul. I am so very thankful to hear that at least one other person struggles with the same things I do.
Anytime I start feeling jealous of anyone else's relationships in this strange online world, I take it as a reminder that I need to spend that energy strengthening my relationships with my "real life" friends - they're the ones that really matter, they love me already, and I don't have to prove anything to them.
wow. i can SO relate to this. i go back and forth.....really strong and independent of others and their views, comments, etc......to getting really sucked in to the comments and goings on of all my friends.....feeling neglected and overlooked is NOT a good feeling ....although i realize i put this on myself . your post was right on. i love the connecting with 7th grade self idea. i have 6th and 8th grade girls and i swear i feel like i'm there myself sometimes. it's unbelievable the junk that goes on in middle school.....AND in our adult lives~ thanks for posting with such raw honesty. joy to YOU~
oh I hear you, Liz. It's not hard to get caught up in the gremlins when everything is at our fingertips and goes at the speed of light. I try to remind myself though that you never really know..what is going on in someones life & head. Easier said than done though. Just yesterday I was feeling down on myself because a certain friend hasn't called me lately...but I didn't want to be the one to call her again. "Why does it always have to be me putting in the effort?" I thought. Well, she did end up calling me & I found out that she's been really sick lately & has been working through some other stuff...nothing to do with me. Oh the torture we put ourselves through.