seeking green

I am currently taking Andrea Scher's Elevate the Ordinary Superhero Photo class.

It is so good.

My number one reason for taking this class was that I knew I needed a little Andrea energy in my inbox a few days a week. Her writing deeply moves me and I appreciate the way she pairs fun and joy with truth and realness. Yes. So as February gave way to March and the rain rain rain would keep drip drip dripping around here, I knew this class would inspire me, and I anticipated that Andrea's words would speak right to where I am on my path. (I was right. So so good.)

When I signed up though, I knew that I wouldn't have much time for solo photography adventures, so my plan was (and continues to be) to tuck Andrea's tips and wisdom into my creative toolbox to pull out when I have more time. Still, I hoped and planned to get a few photo walks on my schedule and take Ellie with me on a few walks near our home and at Point Defiance Park. 

However, the last few weeks unfolded differently than expected as our babysitter's schedule changed a bit due to sports and I found myself needing more rest than an adventure or two and on days when we could have gotten outside, the rain rain rain came down. Then, just when the weather turned warm and sunny and I was so hopeful that we would get out to the park or take a walk in the woods, Ellie's needs and "I am almost two" ways became such that we needed to stay home and dance out (or nap out) the grumps.

Last week as I sat on the floor with Ellie "playing" (one of her new favorite words), I looked at the blue sky through the window, and honestly, I began to pout in my head just a bit because I knew the day would not involve me heading out into that sun alone with my camera.

At some point in the midst of "What does the cow say?" and "Be gentle with Millie. Thank you," I remembered what I have so often told others to do when they say they don't have time for a photography date and thought about what Andrea would probably say to me: Just take 10 minutes and go on a photography adventure in your backyard.

Ellie and I bundled up and grabbed some snacks just like we were heading out to the park, and I gave myself the assignment of finding as many shades of green that I could see because, honestly, I knew this assignment would be easy on an almost Spring day here in the Pacific Northwest. Capturing the green might not be the easy part, but finding it would be. Sometimes the easy assignment is the way to go when you just need light.ness and fun more than anything else.

I almost always have my camera with me when we go outside, and we go outside almost every day...but I needed this shift to see it as an assignment of sorts to refill the well. Of course it is all in how you look at it, but the woman in toddlerland that I am most days needed this reframing.

Ellie sat contently in a chair snacking while I snapped away. And for those few minutes, I really was on a bit of a solo photography adventure. Then she joined me for some exploration of the different textures on the trunk of our maple tree.

And somewhere out in the backyard as I snapped these photos, I began to think about how Ellie Jane and I have quite a bit in common in the stages we are navigating in our worlds. She is in that toddler stage where her will and desire are greater than her abilities and understanding of the world. And in many ways, my desire to create and write and share is so much bigger than the time I have to actually do these things.

This afternoon, as I take a few hours to write and work on the to do list, I am giving myself this blessing that I plan to write on my bathroom mirror so I will see it each day: May I be as patient with myself as I am with her...

snow and pizza (the story of today)

This was going to be a post about the stew and soup I made this weekend (both really really good), but then we had this delightful day that included playing in the snow and making pizza and dancing in the kitchen and coloring and lots of toddler giggles as snow continued to fall outside, so I am sharing this story + recipe instead.*

(More than Just a) Simple Pizza: A Cooking Experience

Before you begin to make this simple pizza, set the scene. Having music on is a very good thing. (Current favorite is radioIO Acoustic Café using the Pocket Tunes App for ipod/iphone.) Then have your family nearby so you are reminded that you are making this meal for people you love. Of course, being totally solo in the kitchen singing along with Adele is an equally delicious way to approach this meal, and since this pizza isn't huge, it would be perfect for dinner for one and then lunch the next day. 

Then, take premade pizza dough from the fridge, remove it from the bag, and let it sit for 20 minutes on a floured surface. (My friend Christine recently mentioned that Trader Joe’s has a great pizza dough in their refrigerated section, so we tried it today. It is awesome! Your local store should have Pillsbury or another brand near the pre-made cookie dough if you don't have Trader Joe's nearby.)

Preheat oven to 450.

Next, gather your toppings. Cut up your veggies; then find the cheese you want to use and put it in a pretty bowl just because it makes you happy. When someone says, “We are going to have more cheese than that, right?” you can reassure him that yes, we will but this bowl looks pretty for photos. 

At this point you might realize you have 12 minutes until your 20 minutes are up. Here are some options:

a) Dance with your family in the kitchen to a song or two.
b) Fill one more grocery sack with items from your cabinet full of too many glasses and put on the porch to take to Goodwill.
c) Give your one year old her very first orange pepper slice and then proceed to feed her about 10 more pieces because she keeps saying, “good!”
d) Begin to clear the table of all your beading supplies so you can sit at it to eat.
e) All the above (as you realize 12 minutes is much longer than you think).
f) Make a quick salad that would pair nicely with pizza and give you more greens. (Next time. Yes. Next time)

Now you are ready to roll out the dough onto a floured surface. It is a good idea to let go of having a round pizza, especially if the surface you are using is rectangular. (And when you cook it, it somehow finds its way to being mostly round. Of course, later I thought about how I would roll it out on the pizza stone next time. Ahem.) And if someone stronger than you is around and offers to roll it for you, well, say yes. (It wasn’t that hard though and reminded me of standing at the window at Noble Romans watching teenagers make pizza decades ago.)

(Now this next step is one you should insert up there right before “dance with your family,” but when it comes at this point instead, give yourself permission to roll with it.) Next, remember that you have chicken sausage in the fridge that you want to add to the pizza. 

Cook the sausage if you are adding it. If someone else is cooking it (thanks Jonny), you might be able to wire-wrap 10 beads and dance with your daughter.

Next, put pizza dough on a pizza stone if you have one (if not, use a pan). Then, assemble your pizza. I layered as follows: olive oil, thin layer of cheese, mushrooms and orange pepper and small bits of chicken sausage, then lots of cheese.

Bake for 8-12 minutes. You know it’s done when the bottom of the dough is browning. I baked ours for about 15 minutes though and it was perfect, so do adjust the time based on your oven and dough thickness.

When you take it out, gather your family to oooh and ahhh at the pizza’s beauty.

Take a few photos.

Eat.

Have toys on hand for your toddler to play with when she decides she is full from all the pepper slices and won’t eat while you are eating. She can color or build things and you will be much more likely to enjoy your pizza if she is content.

Because this is a food that Ellie eats and since it really was so easy to use this dough (and felt really satisfying to roll it out and even has me thinking about making my own dough), I imagine making pizza a few times a month and sometimes making it for the two of us for lunch during the week (EJ and I are more likely to do no meat, less cheese, more veggies). So, this means, I am totally creating a pizza Pinterest board to save recipes I want to print out and add to my recipe binder. Just started using the binder because I am learning that I simply need that “oh right, I could make pizza this week” reminder that seeing a recipe in a binder gives me.

An invitation: I would love to know your favorite homemade pizza toppings/recipes. Please share them in the comments.

*The story behind the story: In some ways, this is the most important paragraph of this blog post, so I hope you made it to here. In the past few months, there haven’t been a lot of days that could be described like the romantic “wow, aren’t they lucky?” paragraph that begins this blog post. There are moments of beauty and love each day, but there have also been some of the toughest moments Jon and I have experienced as a couple. Today, as I wrote this post, I kept thinking about how the slight changes I have been making as I continue to focus on leaning into whole(ness) have been creating space for more laughter, for listening, for sharing (because we are talking with one another when we sit at the table), and for intimacy as we work together in the kitchen or as he talks to me while I cook or as we read or work together after she goes to bed (or naps) because we just want to continue to be together and not turn the television on. 

*****

Here is a simple version of this recipe in case you have a binder like me and would like to print it out.

The "Anyone (this means you too) Can Use Premade Dough" Pizza

Ingredients:

Premade refrigerated pizza dough (I used Trader Joe’s)
Veggie toppings of choice
Meat toppings of choice (I used Trader Joe’s breakfast chicken sausage)
Cheese of choice (I used pre-shredded mozzarella from Trader Joe’s)
Olive oil (I used Annie’s infused with basil)

Steps: 

1. Preheat oven to 450 degrees. UPDATE: I now heat our oven to 500 so it takes less time.
2. Take dough out of packaging and let sit 20 minutes on floured surface.
3. Chop veggies, cook meat if applicable, grate/slice cheese as needed.
4. Roll pizza dough into a round(ish) shape, continuing to keep surface floured to avoid sticking (it’s a good idea to follow directions on your dough’s packaging).
5. Spread olive oil over dough.
6. Add toppings of choice (keeping to thin layers to avoid weighting down the dough)
7. Bake for 8-12 minutes (longer as needed depending on oven/dough thickness). 

making room for the grumps

When I downloaded the photos I took from this morning's "backyard adventure," I was delighted to find this one among the ten or so photos I took of Ellie Jane holding this little dandelion. When we first stepped outside, she went right up to it, plucked it off the stem, and turned and handed it to me. This is the first time she has ever really given me a flower like this.

Of course, my heart melted as she smiled at me and then ran off to play with Millie.

Later, I handed the little flower to her to try to capture her holding it and took several photos before she tried to reattach it to the stem and then threw it onto the ground and stomped her feet on it several times before running off again.

Being one is awesome.

But here is what this photo doesn't show:

This morning, when I saw blue sky through the window, I decided we would bundle up and walk down to the coffee shop and take in the slightly warmer weather and the bits of sun. Blue sky is something to be cherished here, and after almost 8 years, I am learning to get out when I see it because I know I need to breathe it in.

And oh my goodness I need to get out of the house.

As I was getting ready, Ellie started to get a bit fussy as she wanted me to hold her instead of brushing my teeth or going to the bathroom or putting on my clothes. Then, when it came time to change her out of her pajamas, she came very close to all out refusing to put on her pants. I finally said, "But we can't go outside if you don't have on pants." Millie was right there and heard "outside" and started jumping and barking with excitement. When I put Ellie down, she ran to join Millie at the back door, ready to go out. These kids clearly understand the word "outside." But I noticed Ellie was also rubbing her eyes, which is the "I am gonna want to take a nap really really soon" signal.

In that moment, I looked at Ellie and saw her holding "the grumpy tireds" in one hand and "excitement to get outside and play" in the other. In that moment, I knew there would be no walk to the coffee shop where I would find myself in that pushing the stroller while breathing in all the goodness that is getting outside of my house, of my head rythym and then the joy of interacting with another actual adult while ordering coffee experience.

In that moment, I realized I was holding the grumpy tireds and excitement to get outside too. I was feeling disappointment bubble up a bit but I was also really aware of how the grumps were on the outer edges of the moment threatening to take over for both of us.

So we went to the backyard and we gave the grumps some space to run. I took my camera just like I planned to do on our walk. We listened to the birds and ran and danced and found evidence of spring and looked for the sun and watched Millie and picked up leaves and rocks. 

It was still beautiful and real and full of deeply living. It was just different from how I hoped this morning might unfold. And then we came inside and Ellie promptly took a nap.

As I think about this, I keep coming back to this simple thought: Noticing the grumps and then making space for them is part of our daily life.

Sometimes it is as straightforward as a mama and toddler who were up in the middle of the night and didn't get enough sleep so rest is more important than a big adventure because tired grumps are in the air.

Other times it is much more subtle and the grumps arrive wearing t-shirts that say things like "emotionally drained" when we don't set boundaries with people in our lives or "full of envy NOT inspiration" when we spend too much time online instead of living or "drowning" when we don't practice self-care and just keep going and doing instead of being.

Bringing awareness to these simple, but important, "real living" moments is one way I try to stay in the present. When I do this, when I take a breath and really look and listen and let myself feel, I can notice what is in the air around me, around us. And on a day like today, I am able to notice when the grumps arrive.

This evening, I am reminded of what I know: Life is lighter and often full of more joy when I give myself the gift of paying attention

*****

I am so excited to share that registration for the next session of Create Space has begun. This course is a conversation in making room for all that we experience: from joy and beauty to grief and all that is real in our day-to-day lives. It is about giving yourself the gift of creating space within and around you using accessible self-care and being-present practices.

I have tweaked the course a bit since the Fall session, and it is now five weeks long. During the third week, we will take a break from the lessons to create some breathing space to catch up and let what we explore in the first two weeks sink in a bit. There will be inspiration and check in posts throughout this "breathing space" week. There will also be a PDF given at the end of the course so students can continue to explore all that they have learned at their own pace. Read more about Create Space and register here.

a chocolate chip cookie and project life

January 6: You have discovered the joy of eating chocolate chip cookies. Today, you wanted one as a snack and sat like a big girl at the table and ate all of it, small bite by small bite. You offered to share with me, but as I started to take a bite, you pulled the cookie back and broke off one tiny crumb for me and smiled so big. It was pretty funny. Then you gave me the very last bite as you climbed out of the chair and ran off to play. Later, you decided you wanted another cookie and were not content with the half I offered you and insisted on sitting in this chair again to eat another whole cookie all by yourself. While you eat, you often say, “mmmm” just after you take a bite. You bring such joy to the simple moments of living.

*****

I have decided to attempt Project Life this year (for real this time). I actually ordered the Amber kit about a year ago...but it sat in the box on the floor of our family room. Now it sits out by the kitchen table next to the Canon Selphy printer I am using for some of the photos. (Love that this year you can now just get the core kit and choose your album based on your style etc. So many cool products out for Project Life. I think I am going to get a few other types of page protectors to add to what came in last year's kit.)

After talking with Ali about her experience with Project Life and being so inspired by her weekly posts in 2011 (and then looking at how other members of Becky Higgins' creative team approach it), I decided to jump in this year.

And, I am so happy to report that the first week is almost done! As I was working on choosing the photos, I knew that I would want to add the above "chocolate chip cookie" photos + words to this week's story. I love how you can just add additional page protectors into the album and how there really aren't any rules, so I am working on learning a bit more about digital scrapbooking so I can add a few more stories here and there. And then I really want to use what I learn to create other books of other stories I want to tell with words + photos. A big thank you to Ali and Danielle for holding my hand through this learning curve.

So the pieces above are what I will be putting into this first layout. Stay tuned...I think I am going to have a little too much fun with this.

(edited to add) In the spirit of yesterday's post and your kind support (thank you), I want to share this other layer to the story: Seeing her devour this cookie and show such a big appetite made me so so happy. She is a wee one because of her heart issues and doesn't have much of an appetite because of the medication she is on. We have been in a "holding pattern" with her weight recently as she uses up all the calories she takes in as she runs and dances and explores, and we are hoping she will gain more this month. Although she will never have those baby fat rolls that so many people talk about, that I dreamed about when I was pregnant, I am just so happy she is here eating chocolate chip cookies and french fries and ravioli and blueberries and peas and brocolli. I am just so happy when I hear her say, "mmmm" after each bite. 

(This is also my January "Joy Seeker" story. This series is one way I am documenting the "joy" superhero power that Ellie Jane has. My plan is to gather these glimpses here on the blog from her first to second birthday, and then, I will put them all together and have them printed in a small book. Posting the October, November, and December Joy Seeker entries here didn't happen, but I am still gathering them for the book.)

december 15

today was:

up early anticipating the arrival of grandpa and grandma

a little girl full of joy and happy and just one or two overtired meltdowns

christmas shopping and sushi and the gift of a new "go to" date night outfit 

today was:

listening to them read

a heart remembering so much

johnny mathis in the air

today was:

tulips in december just because

trying all the cheeses at metropolitan market and deciding the rosemary asiago is still beyond the best

a little girl who insists on drinking from a glass 

today was:

conversation and laughter

dinner with everyone at the table

an "oh my goodness you all have to try this" cupcake that tastes just like my sugar cookies

today was:

a deep tired from staying up so late cleaning (and the knowledge that you can't really even tell)

a titch of missing even though they are here for two more days

a heart healing with each breath