on being present.
i have been thinking a lot about how i really know how to get lost inside my own head and sometimes that means getting lost inside the past. the truth is that the past is what gives us the experiences we need to deal with the moment we are living in, but sometimes the past creates a path where you are walking knee deep in murky stuff that isn't helping you at all but is instead threatening to pull you under.
a pattern has begun to make itself clear. i try very hard to feel alone in a group. i try to find a reason why someone won't like me or why i am being invited to feel left out or why i am not the most interesting person there so of course people really do not want me to be part of it all and oh how the list goes on.
i try to find little reasons to feel lonely, even when i am having a good time. and here is the thing, i don't even really realize i am doing it because i am so wrapped up in, "see (i tell myself), see, i am right. they don't even want to listen to you/your ideas..." or some other such nonsensical phrasing that i try to make myself believe. somehow this must have been working for me in the past. this walking in the back of the group "oh look at me, no one even wants to walk with me" kind of crap...it must have been working. i think it is how i could justify feeling lonely so often.
and i suppose the reality is that i have had some experiences where this little voice has been proven right. where someone seemed like a friend but wasn't. where a group acted like they wanted me to be part of their closeness but when i was really myself i was rejected.
these experiences have given that voice power..."see, i am right!" it says...
so when i found myself invited to a weekend in portland with a dear friend i have spent a lot of time with in person and two bloggers i couldn't wait to meet in person and spend time with, i said yes. and i didn't even think about saying no. i guess i wasn't allowing myself to dwell on any negative possibilities because if i did, i might have a total panic attack thinking that the rejection i had felt from other bloggers i had spent time with might happen again.
and i never did let that panic even whisper loud enough to warrant recognition.
but, i so tried to feel alone in a group again.
yes. i. did.
even though i was having an incredible time. even though i felt truly embraced. even though i was staying in a home where i feel like family when i am there.
i still tried to let the past stomp on the present.
but, this time, i tried to just observe it while it was happening. i recognized it, "oh, there you are again. there you are trying to invite me to see something that isn't happening. i see you." and i just let myself feel it, while also staying really, really present in what was happening around me.
and a funny thing happened. i couldn't convince myself that it was happening again because all the evidence pointed to an experience with three women where i was being really seen for all of me.
staying present while allowing myself to be honest with me about the emotions that were coming up allowed me to remain grounded while recognizing my own wisdom.
and, there is this other piece of deciding not to share all those feelings as i was having them because even though i was surrounded by women who care about me, who would have listened, sometimes the sharing creates an unexpected drama that just isn't needed if you allow yourself to find that grounding within.
i believe this one simple truth: we all want to be liked.
but there is another layer of this: we need to like ourselves.
i know that might sound simple or silly or "mid-80s new age-y," but we need to look at the truth of our own self-reflection and be honest about what we say to ourselves and how that invites its own layer of confusion as we live in our lives. or should i say, i am doing this a bit more each day and realizing how it enables me to be so much more fully present in my life.
i started this blog in the midst of the two-year yoga teacher training i did a few years ago. i was in the midst of understanding how just being with one's breath, present within the inhale and exhale, could change one's life. the idea of trying to "be present, be here."
learning to really live this, not just speak of it, is a pretty intense experience.
but, i think it is really living. living by being present and grounded and embraced within your own knowledge and truth...while allowing yourself to be loved.
last week, i was very lucky to spend time with three gorgeous souls in portland and i felt safe enough to see myself.
(thank you)
take a breath
Reader Comments (19)
Wow!
That is powerful stuff. It really made me stop and think about my own life and how I do skim-- am I really there for the experience or am I always second guessing?
Thanks for the beautiful insight.
That´s an amazing realization...I´ve been having similar insights lately. I saw some photos on Daisies´ flickr page and I thought - wow, look at Liz looking so radiant.
me too ... i was lucky, i wrote that on my post today. lucky me. you my dear are so beautiful and full of such wisdom and insight and i am so glad you felt safe enough to see you. me too. i have tears reading this ...
"living by being present and grounded and embraced within your own knowledge and truth...while allowing yourself to be loved." this is such a powerful truth i think ~ i know i will come back to these words again and again. thank you. love to you and a big warm hug ...
everything you've said here, is how i've felt and i know you know this because you've pep talked me down.
i've never thought of it this way and now i've got something to marinate on.
thank you for that my beauty, truly. xo
What a wonderful way to start my day! Your honest observations are thought provoking and raw and mature! thank you for giving me something to ponder as I do my daily gig.
Peace.
I used to do this too...since I learned to love me for me...that feeling disappeared. Reading your words reminded me of high school...all those feelings came rushing up...but "living by being present and grounded and embraced within your own knowledge and truth...while allowing yourself to be loved." Magic Liz...magic! And yes Sweetie, I say it again: You are enough. xx
thank you for sharing your raw and honest feelings, it helps to make me understand my own feelings a little more.
thank you for staying open and being vulnerable, there is so much light shining from you.
xo
your words:
"and, there is this other piece of deciding not to share all those feelings as i was having them because even though i was surrounded by women who care about me, who would have listened, sometimes the sharing creates an unexpected drama that just isn't needed if you allow yourself to find that grounding within."
to these words, i say "oh, amen, amen, and AMEN!!!". i completely know and understand what you say by this, as we discussed in the past, and i see myself doing the very same things. and being too open about it when i might not need to be, as it DOES create drama, drama, drama. always, drama.
your words today remind me so very much of the book i'm currently devouring at night, given to me by mama after she read it at the cabin - The Alchemist, by paulo coelo. of course, right now i can't find the particular words i want to find, but these are just as pertinent:
"the camel driver seemed not to be very concerned with the threat of war. 'i'm alive,' he said to the boy, as they ate a bunch of dates one night, with no fires and no moon. 'when i'm eating, that's all i think about. if i'm on the march, i just concentrate on marching. if i have to fight, it will be just as good a day to die as any other. because i don't live in either my past or my future. i'm interested only in the present. if you can concentrate always on the present, you'll be a happy man. you'll see that there is life in the desert, that there are stars in the heavens, and that tribesmen fight because they are part of the human race. life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we're living right now."
beautiful words, yes?
sending love - xo
OK, what everyone else here has said... and a big thank you from me to you on more reminders about staying present, staying in the present, and etc. I say again to you: your writing, your words, so gentle and so fierce all at the same time. A beautiful gorgeous and eye-opening dichotomy... thanks you liz
I love that you share with such honesty and truth - the kind that resonates is so many of us. I hear my story in your story and I wonder who I might be if I let that story move on? Mmmm.....light. Yes. I can live with that quite happily thankyouverymuch. :)
Thank you, dear friend, for your beautiful, BRIGHT light!
oxox!!!!!
courageously real. thank you.
oh man...
do i get this...
i totally get this...
and i am totally like this...
even though
i try to pep talk
myself
and remind myself that
things have changed,
i have changed...
i just can't always move past it...
and it doesn't even
have to be with strangers
that this happens...
any large group at all
including my family
will bring this out in me.
but good for you for seeing
this in yourself
and being able to try to work
through it...
it is amazing what
awareness
can bring a person.
xoxoxox
It's surely a moment of grace when you can recognize the old voices in your head and say, nope, not this time.... Simply awesome. I am grinning for you, Liz!
sweet woman ~ the minute
i picked you up and we drove
for that 2.5 hour drive
the time felt like 10 minutes
so kindred were you to me:)
and inclusive and funny and smart
and warm ~ a complete gift in my
life :)
and I just can't WAIT to
come and visit you soon and
have tea and cupcakes and natter
an afternoon away together ~
and walk your beautiful dog and
chatter:)
i LOVE you!!!
MUAH!!!
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Working it out. Each of us on our own. Yet joined together as the walking wounded. Doing the best we can. Lifting ourselves up and thereby pulling others up with us too, when they need a tug, as we do at times from them.
Thank you for this post.
thank you for speaking our from within and explaining this complicated array of feelings so clearly. reading it, i felt like someone very close and very dear was sitting beside me, gently nudging me and saying: "see... you're not the only one... it's ok."
wow... so powerful. Thank you. I needed to hear that.
I've written about feeling alone and lonely in a group and lamented my perpetual outcast status. I've wondered from time to time if this is a status I confer upon myself. And I've lately come to the same conclusion as you: that I need to love myself. If I don't love myself, I make myself inaccessible and difficult and harder for other people to love. I become a self-fulfilling prophecy of awkwardness. Also, I'm realizing that I don't know how to be in the moment. I run away from the moment and get lost in the fleeing. So today I'm slowing down and staying still. The beauty is that in doing so, I'm finding the strength and clarity of mind to begin moving in the right direction. Namaste.
Such an honest, finely crafted piece. Thank you.
PS I am deep envy of Maddie's apron.