.today.
I listen to these words…
Where have you been,
My long lost friend?
It's good to see you again.
Come and sit for a while
I've missed your smile*
and my heart aches.
Today, I would have picked up the phone.
The feelings stacking up inside…pushing up into my chest and throat.
anger. whys
sadness. fears.
confusion. assumptions.
grief. truths. untruths.
I wanted to just say it. All of it. Out loud. To you.
As I drove away from Starbucks with my chai latte, trying to find warmth for a body that has never so hated the chills of the wet weather here than it does this day, my heart cried to tell you, to tell someone, all of it.
Instead I drove home.
I drew a bath, lit a candle, and sat in the hot, hot water with my hot chai.
My body found warmth.
And I told you all of it.
Without the phone or your voice or your presence.
I came back to my practice.
The one that sometimes creates winding paths of tears.
The one that forces me to speak the truth.
I came back to my practice and told you everything.
All the stacked up feelings poured forth with the tears and snot and truth.
I sat in the warmth and told you everything.
I hugged myself and dipped face first into the water.
Releasing one hands grip on fear.
And sat up and sang a lullaby to me.
Then I found my breath.
And stood and salt-scrubbed through to the next layer.
I chanted winding, repeating rhythms to Ganesh.
And held onto the hope of beginning and pushing through.
Pushing through all of it.
Tonight, I sit here, listening to these words
A sense of joy fills the air
And I daydream and I stare
Above the tree and I see
Your star up there
And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by**
and my heart aches.
The ache of truth and missing.
I try to find my center in the midst of the ache, in the midst of the confusion, sadness, assumptions, untruths, and all that cannot be.
I try to find my breath.
I try to find my truth.
I try to find my center.
I breathe in.
I breathe out.
I breathe in.
I breathe out.
*lyrics from "Stay" sung by Alison Krauss
**lyrics from "Wintersong" sung by Sarah McLachlan
liz lamoreux
Reader Comments (13)
your words make your feelings so real I almost feel like I'm holding them in the cupped palms of my hands... beautiful
i don't know what the right reaction is to your words, but you have moved me to tears.
you have such a beautiful soul, and heart, and smile. your words, your thoughts touch me.
be well.
tanaya
You remind me of how desperately I need to have a heart to heart with myself...to find that release and compassion for myself that has been lost in the tumble of everyday living...to fully experience the truths in my life so I can move forward.
You are a blessing to so many.
Very moving, my reaction was that I had to read it again. Then, it made me wonder.
Thanks
sending you love and a warm hug to melt away the cold wet day ... xox
Liz, I love that Sarah McLachlan song; it comforts me, even as it is tinged with melancholy. May the light and the warmth of your very own being comfort you in your times of darkness.
I so often feel like that . I know the feeling of wanting to share with another.
i just want to give you hugs
and pats
and hugs some more...
email coming....xoxoxo
I'm so so so sorry, my dear. I know you miss her. Loss is such a strange creature. Time changes things, but it doesn't make you forget.
I know how you feel. I lost my best friend last year. I've dialed his number too many times before I'm flooded with the memory, the knowledge.
I'm so sorry...
xoxo
Your words and your actions are so beautiful, they always make my heart tender. You inspire me to be, even when that is confused and in pieces. Sending you warmth, xoxo
The bath-wow-the way you wrote about it just blows me away. You are so freakin amazing and write so beautifully.
I wish you would put all these sharings in a zine. You have a depth and sense of self that you share so beautifully.
When I read these words I feel like my response can't begin to match their light and clarity.
Love you girl
That's what it's all about sometimes, isn't it? That breathing in, breathing out. That path that sometimes leads to tears. That speaking the unspoken aloud. This is such a beautiful and inspiring post. I just love what you have written here, what you have felt here.