quiet, sleepy thoughts
oh i am sleepy this morning. another quiet, self-reflective friday. a little melancholy mixed with happiness mixed with not enough sleep because of excitement that turns into a little reflecting pool.
i cannot believe i will be 30 next wednesday. in my day-to-day life i do not usually talk about my birthday; i don't tell people about it. and to be honest, my birthdays have never been all that super special. not that they have been awful...just not all that exciting (though my parents did throw me a decadent 14th birthday party - a surprise with 6 friends from school. though one friend, of course, told me about it; i always acted like i did not know. it was delightfully fun and at a club my parents belonged to so we had to dress up and all that fun stuff. kind of wish for one of those parties again. the surprise feels so good...like you thought no one really understood that all you ever want is a little party just for you. but then they do). but something about coming to this space and writing from my heart invites me to talk about it. i mean, i am turning 30. i know i am "young" but 30 is that age that seemed so very old 15 years ago. 30. i am excited as i have this image of waving good-bye to my twenties. bye bye crazy decade, bye bye. i am ready to own my body, my skin, my truth, the knowledge within me, and i feel like my thirties will bring me more of that (as will the decades after that of course). yet i cannot believe i will be 30. i also cannot believe that this will be the second birthday where my grandmother will not call to ask the magic question, "do you feel older today?"
i am wrestling with something. the idea that when you need to move away from something in your life, for reasons that are personal, and you want to act with integrity, there are sometimes things that you do not share. you do not want to hurt another person if you do not have to. who wants to hurt another person? you understand that the decision is about you, and even though it may affect others, it is a decision you need to make for yourself. yet, the other person/people will not understand. this is the way of it, right? the cycle of human communication and relationship. i am referring to a specific instance and just a pattern in my life all at the same time.
as i approach this new decade and the idea that i want to live in my life, really live in it, i am trying to become "the observer of myself." watching what i do and examining it. trying to let go of self-judgement and seeing it all for what it is. and what it is, is me. a person with feelings, emotions, a heart, a soul. a person doing the best i can. a person trying to notice the patterns and learn from them. and one pattern is that i can give of myself so much that i forget who i am. i can get sucked into a relationship, a job, a friendship where i am a support system for someone and that person sees me as a support system and thinks "liz is so strong" and doesn't see that i need support too. i do not believe this is an intentional response, it just happens. and i think sometimes the other person feels like "oh good! someone to help me with my challenges, someone to listen, someone to care about what i think and need and want."
i respect that people have these needs because i have these needs as well. but i am not strong enough to hold it all up. to listen and brainstorm but not hear, "how are you?" to drop everything when i am needed but not have anyone to talk to in my moments of need. to give all of my good ideas away (well, this one made me laugh out loud. there are always more good ideas, but hopefully you understand what i mean). and because of this pattern, when i feel like the pattern is starting again, when people hurts my feelings and i try to tell them in a gentle way to help them see it and not invite defensiveness, but people brush me off for whatever reason, i begin to back away. i know this pattern because i know myself.
see, the thing is, i am the one who lets this pattern happen. it is me. and i realize that i can't always back away. i need to try to set the boundaries. step up to that challenge even though it can be hard. i need to sit in the quiet i always invite others to sit in, and really listen to my heart and what it needs and wants. i need to realize that the reaction another has is about that person; my reaction is about me. and i also need to realize that not every relationship that develops this pattern has to say in this pattern.
i struggle with figuring out how to tell someone how i am feeling because my experience has been that people do not want to know. they take it through their filters and make it whatever they want. the defensiveness and confusion sets in, even if what you have to share is small and is your truth. it is interesting. i wish we could let our open hearts guide us without bruising one another. i wish we could listen to other people's needs and hear them for what they are. i wish i could do some things over again.
but all i can do is face the next chapter with my open heart and do the best i can. because really, that is what we all try to do.
liz lamoreux
Reader Comments (13)
Liz Elayne, my birthday is on June 7th also!
I turned 30 last year, so I know how you're feeling. I was dreading getting older, but was also excited about leaving my 20s behind.
I also struggle with communicating my feelings to others, but I'm getter so much better at it. My problem is that I always feel that people misconstrue what I say, and that I can never get my point across. Usually it is because they are listening through filters, like you say. But, I've learned to be persistent and make sure I'm understood. It takes practice, but it's worth it.
"Seek first to understand, then to be understood"
It also helps to try and understand their filters so that you can get through.
Anyway, I wish you a happy birthday!
Wow, so touching. This is big stuff you are working through, sending you some positive vibes and big hugs to use as you'd like! I hope you can figure out what's the best thing to do for you in this situation. It's hard to own our own feelings and to share them-all of them. I am here to listen, though, whenever you need it. We all are.
Turning 30 is fabulous!! A whole new chapter!
hi my love.
i adore your heart and i am holding it right now in my arms.
you are beautiful.
i sent you an email.
big snuggles,
boho
I wish you a happy happy birthday! I think we only just start to be who we really are when we enter our 30's. Now is the time to start shedding the old,to let go of the things that don't nurture us--AND to have no guilt about it.
I wish you grace in your journey now. I wish you joy at discovering how devine your spirit is! These are my birthday wishes for you.
It's very hard to break up with people, friends especially. But you are strong Liz and I know you'll do what's right for you. I feel like you will be able to say what's on your mind eventually; just sit with knowing what you need and the way will come to you.
Dear Liz, I wanted to tell you that what you are feeling about moving into your 30's, I am feeling as well about moving into my 40's (YIKES)...
You wrote: i am ready to own my body, my skin, my truth, the knowledge within me, and i feel like my thirties will bring me more of that..
AMEN! I am ready for the same thing, and I feel/hope/pray to God that my forties will bring me more of this (I'm a late bloomer I guess ha ha!)
I have been reading your blog for a bit of a while and I love how you express yourself. I wish you all the best on this journey into your new decade of life!
Wow! This really is amazing-what a beautiful gift you are giving yourself. I love how you talk about observing yourself and the boundary setting.
This is screaming- self respect and self honoring.
I am going through similar feelings. I understand the struggle and the pattern.
I love that you are seeing you have wants/needs/desires that you can communicate. I guess the how, will come. I am celebrating the realization and the fact that you are going to be 30.
30 was a big birthday for me-I felt a huge shift-it seemed like it should and would be a big step.
30's are really good. I am welcoming you to them.
Lots of love
Liz, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! 30! THIRTY wasn't so bad....Hey, I'm so old I can wear PURPLE! (pepek--not deadboy. I'll have to get him to switch my computer back today!)
What a significant time. All the women I know have become more powerful, more gorgeously themselves in their 30s. I know you will embrace this time of your life with your special passion, commitment and insight.
I hear you on the relationship issue. I wish for you the kind of friend that will know when you need to be the one that is heard, that will let you be weak and grumpy, that will make you giggle and feel like all is right with the world.
"takers" rarely find the needs of others too important in their "LOOK AT ME" world. one thing i have learned along the way is that we don't "owe" anyone anything, including the enlightenment of our journey. you can simply choose to be less available without going deeply into your newfound understanding of yourself and your needs and without being hurtful. sometimes we extend ourselves in explanation far beyond what is necessary. i used to call this "explanationitis!" it is your perogative to spend your time as you choose without having to defend the choice. "i have a deadline i must meet on this project" can be enough reason to exit any conversation. explanations can be our way of requesting not to be judged too severely. letting go of your need to control judgments can sometimes free you in significant ways.
there is so much that resonates for me here, liz elayne:
...a friendship where i am a support system for someone and that person sees me as a support system...and doesn't see that i need support too.
...i wish we could let our open hearts guide us without bruising one another. i wish we could listen to other people's needs and hear them for what they are. i wish i could do some things over again...
i could go on and paste the whole post! as you know, i reached thirty a few months back, and i believe it is a milestone if we chose it to be. it seems that we both have. so good luck with your journey of deepening self awareness, and i'll keep you posted about mine.
sometimes tough, but worth it.
with love, bb x
when i turned thirty,
i could not beleive all that had happened in ten years...
ten years does not seem that long
but when i broke down the major
milestones, it was really quite amazing
and it made me feel better about the
"30".
i understand what you say
about your grandmother
and it being hard to beleive
that this is the second year
she is not there to say
what you are used to her saying.
i still think that
sometimes...
and it catches me off guard.
and i think
that you will find
because you are aware of
yourself
that you will be able to
break the pattern...
if you were blind to it,
and just wondering
"how the hell did we get to
this point?"
then it might be different.
hugs and hope that all made sense
:)
First of all, I can't imagine that your 30's aren't going to just freakin' ROCK, girl! Now on to serious stuff (not that that's not)...I used to have an experience in friendships all the time that I'll share...pieces of it may or may not be relevant to what you're dealing with now. I used to have a tendency to take people 'under my wing' (so to speak)...introduce them to my friends, my support group, my hobbies, my interests...share my 'best ideas' with them...etc. It was all done in the spirit of wanting to share things/people that I loved with the person, but what kept happening was that I ended up doing all the giving/sharing and the other person was doing all of the getting/receiving. Maybe I wasn't a good judge of character (even though I genuinely loved the friends I'm referring to)...maybe I needed to have better boundaries...I don't know. All I know today is that it's important to set boundaries, be true to yourself, speak your truth, own your own feelings and let go of the other person's. They may be hurt, but you can't control that.