sewing tiny threads
I am a person who can quickly tap into that feeling of loneliness. I know I have mentioned this before, and through writing about it every now and then over the last year, I have come to honor that this is part of who I am. At the same time, I am lucky. I am lucky because I am really never alone. I am beginning to realize that loving and knowing myself is key to understanding this. And through the journey I am on, I am starting to honor that fact that I am lucky because I have a partner in this life: my husband. However, I often forget this. I forget that I am not alone, that he is here to support me, listen to me, brainstorm with me, and hold my hand. I forget that through our relationship I learn more about this person who is me. I forget to pay attention to this because I become lost in the day-to-day stuff.
During these last few weeks, I have been forced to rely on him. Not in my usual “take it for granted that he will empty and fill the dishwasher because he knows how much I hate that” way or my assumption that he will put the new roll of toilet paper on the toilet paper holder thing because that bugs me or my “I have been married for four years and have forgotten how to do certain things I always did as a single girl so now I need a man to do it for me” way. Not in those usual ways.
I had to rely on him to drive me to doctor’s appointments and tests because I was too sick to drive myself or might be too ill after the test or procedure I was having. He made me meal after meal, not because I was too lazy or didn’t think about cooking, but because I couldn’t do it. I had to just rest. There were a few days when I could shower only when he was home because I was so dizzy and one day when he had to wash my hair for me because I was in too much pain to hold my head back. This is an entirely new level of relying on someone else.
A few months ago, I casually mentioned on my blog that I would like to write/talk more about marriage. The truth about marriage. The challenges, the ugly bits, the gorgeous moments, the misunderstandings, honest moments, the beauty, the fears…the guts of it. How marriage acts as a magnifying glass hovering over all of your baggage, stuff, fears, loves, hates, and beauty. And I want to start talking about it. Here. Today.
Talking about the guts of marriage can, of course, apply to any relationship that involves the intimacy of romantic love. A person in a relationship like this obviously does not have to be married (and I honor that some of you can’t get married and to say that the fact that you might want to and you can’t pisses me off…well, that is an understatement, but a topic for another time), marriage is just my frame of reference.
These last few weeks as I have relied on Jon in a different way, I have remembered why it is that we do the heavy lifting in our marriage. Why we stay in the room when we have a conflict (or at least why we continue to work to stay in the room even when we want to flee). Why he does the dishes almost every day knowing that I hate to do dishes. Why I take care of presents and mailing things and on and on because he hates trying to figure all that out. Why he sits on the couch next to me listening to his iPod and I turn and put my legs up over his legs even though I am working and basically ignoring him and if I were to talk he wouldn’t hear me anyway because he is engrossed in a podcast. Why he is learning to give me space when I lash out because my fears are sometimes louder than the reason and truth that rest in my heart. Why I am trying to understand how to listen and not fix/suggest/take over/talk over him when he shares his problems. Why we just keep doing the work. Every day. To me, because you are doing the work, you are saying to the other person, “You are not alone. I am here. Right here next to you. And when the shit hits the fan, even if we just had a big, fat, ugly argument, I am going to be right here, right next to you. This is something you can simply count on because I am telling you this. You can trust me.”
When I was single, I thought if I just found someone all the pieces of my life would fall into place. I would be thin (of course because no one was going to love a person who was not thin), I would feel beautiful all the time, I would have great sex every single day, I would have fun most of the time, I would entertain people in my big house, I would buy this and that, I would have five kids, I would have money to travel to exotic places, I would feel brave, I would feel whole, I would, I would, I would.
Yeah, I so didn’t get it.
I didn’t get that someone would actually love me for me. Which means that person would even accept the parts that I didn’t accept about myself, the parts I still didn’t magically accept after that person was a part of my life. I didn’t want to admit that I knew my self-image was about me and not about the fact that I didn’t have several boyfriends in high school and college (or really any for that matter) and other boy-related issues. I didn’t get that the other person would bring all of there shit (literally and figuratively) into the relationship and that my shit and that person’s shit would just have to co-exist and learn to love one another and all fit under the roof of one apartment (that had been plenty of space for me and a dog) and in the space between us. There was so much that I didn’t get.
I believe relationships are one of those things that you have to live to understand. But one thing I do feel is true, we can be a bit more honest about it. And by we, I mean you and me and all the people that make up this crazy society. We can talk about the guts of it—the beauty and the shit—and let go of the fears surrounding being honest.
When you are a newly married person, there is a societal pressure to prove that you are going to be one of the ones who makes it. Meaning, you have to talk about how everything is still bright and shiny like an issue of Martha Stewart Weddings, instead of being honest about how the honeymoon ended a lot sooner than you thought and crap, you just don’t want to put Star Trek ships up in the living room and how you are sometimes too tired to have sex and how you can’t believe that he doesn’t understand why it is okay that you leave your underwear in the bathroom every morning because you have always lived here and that is just what you do but that you get mad at him when he does it. From the silly to the serious, we are invited not to talk about it. We don’t want people to think/say, “oh…they are having problems.”
So starting today…let’s talk about it.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years."
Simone Signoret
(This is the part where I reassure you [and my dear husband] that this doesn’t mean I am going to share the nitty-gritty details of every aspect of my own marriage or that my blog has become “married-girl blog”—anyone who knows me knows I am not “married girl.” But as I continue to think about how this place has become a place for me to witness my journey, I have realized that I do want to start to look at what this partnership means in my life, what I can do to be a better communicator, and how it really is to try to have such an intimate relationship with someone else knowing that you are simply going to trigger each other because that is what happens in close relationships. And I also want to look at what it means to build and establish true trust in intimate relationships and friendships. Trust that you can just be yourself. End of disclaimer.)
liz lamoreux
Reader Comments (20)
As a woman who's been married and divorced and is forging a new, stronger relationship after too many single years, I say thank you for this post. You've spoken so much truth about the reality of an imperfect union, and the joys of true intimacy.
Hey Married Girl (jk),
LoveShack and I just had a fight about my car (the one that was in the hit-and-run accident). This is a lovely post. I am going to go be in the same room with LoveShack now.
I really enjoyed this post, and I couldn't agree with you more. A couple of years back my wife and I started a weekly ritual of lighting a candle, brewing some tea, and having a big relationship talk. It's amazing how often we've uncovered stuff that neither of us even suspected was there, and how much easier it is to deal with that when it's in the context of a safe, pre-arranged "talking about the guts" of our marriage (rather than when one partner ambushes the other with the dreaded, "we need to talk"!).
I really like your approach in finding the genuine partnership in marraige. Thanks so much for sharing this--I look forward to your future posts on the topic.
That was so beautiful and exactly what I needed right now. I am wading through the beauty and shit right now too and it feels good to know that I'm not alone. Your words spoke to me and I'm sure many others. Thank you.
Liz, beautifully written. Relationships are work, and in order to make them work, you must stop to think about what makes them what they are. Oh, how often in my 13 years of marriage have I gone through this very same thought process. Interestingly enough, it was when I was diagnosed with a chronic illness that I finally let my husband in...relinquished control...let him help me. It made me realize so much about myself, about him, and about our relationship. Our relationship has continued to grow deeper and deeper, although there are certainly times when we wander off into seperate spaces and need to circle back around and reconnect. There will always be shit, his, mine and ours....that is life and that is part of being in a relationship. It is how we perceive it and what we do with that perception that counts.
This was so wonderful.
I hope that you are feeling at peace and better in general. I have been thinking about you.
xoxox
This post is very timely for me...2006 has been a year of true changes and a deepening of my marriage of ten years now. Yes, there is the pressure for appearing "perfect"--I have found this especially true for me since my own parents went through a very bitter divorce during my adolescence. I'm very interested to see these thoughts about marriage woven into your blog with the rest of what you share here!
--D.--
"How marriage acts as a magnifying glass hovering over all of your baggage, stuff, fears, loves, hates, and beauty"......
This sums it up my dear girl. And I'm so grateful that you're writing about this, because I've been wanting to post about my own marriage/relationship, have been composing a post in my brain for the past few days about it.
The truth of every relationship is that we ALL have shit (our santa bag full of shit) we bring, it's just finding whose you can deal with.
"And when the shit hits the fan, even if we just had a big, fat, ugly argument, I am going to be right here, right next to you." I think it's safe to say that even if you didn't get it early on, you most certainly get it now. I know we don't have that piece of paper that says the govt believes we're married, but nearly 12 years in, I couldn't possibly feel more so. And often that 'married' feeling is a direct result of what you said in that quote. For me, it's not the fun, adventurous times that have the thickest thread--those happy memories add gloss and glitter. It's the roughest, hanging on by your fingernails times that hold the fabric together. And their thread isn't pretty--it's knobby and thick, but its tensile strength can't be beat. It took me years to realize that unconditional love meant removing the footsteps--that it means neither of us walk away in the ugliest moments but stand right there, thankful as hell that that thread has stood the test of time. Beautiful post, Liz. (And thank you for your sweet comment. You have no idea how much I could use a hug right now, so consider this a huge virtual squeeze.) xoxo
this was an awesome post...
so many points that i think
you totally nailed.
and that quote...wow.
i look forward to reading more
of your insights on this subject...
:)
This rings so true. Marriage is work. But the effort is so worth it (at least in my experience).
I hear you on the honeymoon being over, and I hear you on the "perfect marriage" front, and I hear you on all the rest. I have found that the more my husband need to depend on one another, the closer we get. The two biggest turning points for me have been 1) canning the independent woman wanting to do everything (lack of trust that he can do things right) and 2) realizing that he still loved me when I allowed him to see the real me. And the second one continues to amaze me over and over again--that he accepts me no matter what.
I'm looking forward to hearing more of your thoughts, Liz.
This rings so true. Marriage is work. But the effort is so worth it (at least in my experience).
I hear you on the honeymoon being over, and I hear you on the "perfect marriage" front, and I hear you on all the rest. I have found that the more my husband need to depend on one another, the closer we get. The two biggest turning points for me have been 1) canning the independent woman wanting to do everything (lack of trust that he can do things right) and 2) realizing that he still loved me when I allowed him to see the real me. And the second one continues to amaze me over and over again--that he accepts me no matter what.
I'm looking forward to hearing more of your thoughts, Liz.
I'm looking forward to more posts like this too, this was a great analysis of marraige. I love the quote at the end too.
it's always the little things isn't it...it's the little things, the things that don't really matter in the long run that always wear on a relationship...sure we fight about big things (like parenting issues) but more often we fight about how i never pick up my clothes or how he doesn't but the rubermaid containers/lids in the cupboard the way i like them...
This is fascinating stuff, Liz, and I'm looking forward to reading more.
liz, i always adore your willingness to be vulnerable. i agree and relate to all you've said and i just want to say AMEN, SISTER! marriage is about trust and communication. sadly, not about "spark" and even, *gasp* "love". to have healthy relationships, we must be able to see those things that clothesline us when we're fragile-like the desire to flee. who hurt us like that before that makes that action seem like it's instinctual? we all do have our baggage, and to see that and know what it looks like and how it informs your conversations, how you hurt and joy, puts you far ahead of the game. i just love watching you grow, loving yourself all the way. BRAVO. you are an inspiration. xoxoxo
This post (and you, you lovely woman) is full of wisdom and truth. Some of this I could just read over and over again - something to come back to and remind of what really matters. Marriage is such a mystery, and thank goodness I don't feel pressured to have a perfect, Martha Stewart marriage, I just want more than anything to stay with my Beaux until the end of our days - fully trusting that it will get messy, be really hard, and yet glorious. He is the love of my life as long as we are on this earth. I totally hear you about letting your husband help you - sometimes we don't let them, because we are afraid they will fail us - and I believe, that when we step out of our fears - we discover that they are so ready to help us, to be there for us - we just must move over and allow them.
Thank you for sharing this - I look forward to more of your thoughts!
This post has me crying big tears. I totally agree with you about marriage and all of the stuff that comes with it. Reading about your husband washing your hair started the tears flowing. My husband is struggling with some health issues right now and can't use his hands... I am encouraged to talk about our walking through these issues now that you have shared your thoughts...
That was beautiful Liz. I got a bit teary because there was so much truth and feeling in what you said. Thanks for starting the conversation.
Fantastic post. The grit in the truth that fills the crevaces of connections. I really appreciate your insights here and the risk, to talk about it. Its not so risky, but liberating in your words.
I look forward to reading more.
i want to say thanks to you for this post. it really resonates with me... especially when you said...
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"When I was single, I thought if I just found someone all the pieces of my life would fall into place. I would be thin (of course because no one was going to love a person who was not thin), I would feel beautiful all the time, I would have great sex every single day, I would have fun most of the time, I would entertain people in my big house, I would buy this and that, I would have five kids, I would have money to travel to exotic places, I would feel brave, I would feel whole, I would, I would, I would.
Yeah, I so didn’t get it.
I didn’t get that someone would actually love me for me. "
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I didn't get that either and now I do. My guy isn't tall, dark and handsome (quite the opposite), but he loves me. As much as I love him. And that's exactly what I asked for in a husband.