today
today was full of a lot of things. ellie's first high fever. me still feeling very under the weather with this chest cold. ellie crying just because when she would usually be laughing or trying to run even faster down the hall. lots of disney junior and apple juice and bowls of peas. answering emails here and there. lots more cuddling than usual. me trying to choose kindness but failing. me wearing the same clothes as yesterday that i also wore to bed...oh wait...maybe i changed into different yoga pants but this shirt has all kinds of living on it...and you know i am sick when i am wearing one of jon's sweatshirts over my whole ensemble. a friend calling to say, "it is probably just a cold" and talking me down from my fear of "but what if it sets off the heart arrhythmia and i can't go to the picu with her because i have a cold?" listening to an awesome interview with meryl streep while working during her nap. watching this paul simon on sesame street video on repeat because every time it ended ellie would make the sign for "more" which usually means more cheese or more juice but today meant more paul (i adore her). talking on skype with my mom, and ellie instigating peek-a-boo with her (the first time ellie has really interacted in such a clear way while we are on skype...it was awesome). reading alexander and the terrible horrible no good very bad day to ellie because well, parts of yesterday and today have felt a bit like that and after she rubbed hand sanitizer into her eyes not long after falling/tripping a few times because she keeps trying to run even though she doesn't feel well...well... i thought we both needed to hear those words and she sat listening to the entire story.
and in the middle of all of it, when her fever broke, she insisted on going outside (which means she brought her boots to me and then stood at the sliding glass door pointing to the outside saying her version of "now") and so out we went for a bit. the sky was blue and the weather was warm and there were so many birds chattering and eating and milie ran and ran in the yard and ellie ran with her for a bit and i found myself suddenly face to face with the cherry tree stretching toward spring.
how about that? even while overwhelm swirls and worry tries to pitch a tent at the edge of things and my body insists on rest and i sometimes forget to choose love and the to do list is still just as long, spring is still on her way.
how are things in your corner of the world? what are you noticing today?
real
Reader Comments (12)
I lay here in blue light, the color of my heart. A small cat is trying to snuggle beside me, uncertain how to approach. My thoughts, experiences, expectations all shattered. Any idea I had of strength, turned into a recognition of bullying, of fighting. I find your moments of triumph in this day gentle reminders: that there is sanity, that "normal" does exist, that perhaps I too could find this simple bliss in a Pail Simon video. Things are unwell here. The need to breathe comes before the need to eat. I stand on he edge of all I have known and unknown, and lean into the updraft. Lean, and let the wind unfurl my wings. xx
Hey girl. I do remember those days when my girl was sick and day blended to night then back to day - and suddenly a week would be gone before I got outside again. For us it was always fevers - not so much the colds. So I am feeling you - and hearing your fears. I that you both feel better soon. In the meantime, rest as much as you both can. The list will still be there, the things will get done when you both are better :)
Over here it's cold - like, wind whisping cold - but we bundle up in our hats, scarves, & gloves to take our daily walk around the lake. The skies have been a cross between cornflower & cotton candy blue with feathery vanilla clouds. No buds or blossoms yet, but that is just around the corner....
xo
"face to face with the cherry tree stretching toward spring" . a beautiful phrase and a reminder of how life goes on and does get better day by day.
P.S. I am really enjoying your Create Space videos. Thanks for sharing your ideas with the world!
A growly day here yesterday, me kicking my heels against some old things that can't change and me not changing what I can-- my attitude, the wideness of my embrace. But the blue iris from Trader Joes have all opened and the house is quiet now, and today I'll love myself a little better, drink more water, do the whole yoga dvd, pause for deep breaths.
i'm glad her fever broke and i hope you're feeling better too.
my world includes visiting kiwi's who bring joy into my life this week - i realize that i need to be around people more, get out more and this will be my motto in the coming weeks.
listening to the surf crash on the shore as the rest of my house sleeps is pretty awesome. xo
As I sit here in MY same clothes as yesterday, your words strike a chord. The day isn't turning out as I had planned. It was another trying morning with my daughter. While unloading the dishwasher, I revved up my anger as I wrote a story in my head, started to bound up the stairs in confrontation as I passed the couch. I made the choice to sit down instead, closed my eyes and took 20 deep breaths. It made all the difference. We're not always our best selves, but we keep trying. Here's to hope! And I HOPE you and Ellie feel better soon.
misty had the same thought as i did, i love that line...stretching toward spring. i love lines that reach out and grab you...i feel that that is one of them.
(and i too am glad the fever has broken.)
~simply~
I so remember those high fevers and middle of the night moments when survival felt so elemental (and I was out of my element!) I always had to do some "fake it 'til I make it" kind of thinking: I KNEW nothing was permanent, in hours things would be different (hopefully better, but different in any event) and everything moves in cycles. I don't always believed it in my bones, but I try to seek confirmation outside of myself. What I have been noticing is the all encompassing whiteness of snow and sunless sky which is actually very peaceful and meditative. A friend visiting from out of town noted you couldn't see where the land ended and the sky began and which has helped me recall why I love living where I do - more sky than earth and it is always changing, shifting, moving.
Thank you for always adding layers of new thought to my days. xo
I wholeheartedly approve of Paul Simon on a sick day. Ellie's got good taste!
It has been very snowy here in Colorado; it's beautiful but the cold is starting to grow tiresome. As a mother of a little girl currently on a three day nap-refusal streak (in a screaming, back arching kind of way), I can relate to the struggle to maintain kindness. It is so interesting to me when I'm able to step back from the emotions how one second things can truly feel insurmountable, never-ending and hopeless, and the next can be filled with love, joy and renewed energy. I've never experienced this kind of emotional insanity outside of motherhood! How scary for you when Ellie gets sick . . . I'm glad to hear that she, and you, are on the mend.
Oh my goodness, Liz!! I'm going through the same thing here with Megan!! She is normally the happiest baby and she has been whining and crying and clinging to me constantly. To be honest with you, I don't have the patience for this this time around. I don't know if it's because I'm older with Megan or because she's not normally like this. This is the third fever she's had since right before Christmas. She was just to the doctor on Monday for her follow up with an ear infection and she got a clean bill of health. Tuesday morning, she woke up with a low grade fever. I'm going to give it another day and then I'm taking her back to the doctor because fevers make me nervous.
On the selfish side of this, I'm bummed that I haven't been able to take her to the babysitter so that I can work on my altar and in my journal. She goes to a babysitter once or twice a week for a few hours so I can grocery shop, run errands, work on my Etsy stuff and, now, so I can be a participant in the class. I know you said that there's no time constraint for the class but I wanted to get things done in a timely manner for a change. One of my favorite quotes just flashed in my head. "We plan and God laughs." Ain't that the truth??!!!!??? LOL!!! I hope your baby girl feels better soon!! : )
Namaste ~ Wendy
Dear girl.
I am holding a space for you, that space where a cold is never "just a cold".
I am cradling it so very tenderly and bathing it in gentle light.
Breathe into this space, my friend.
It is OK.
It is love.