this and that (or the one where i ramble a bit)
there are things i have wanted to tell you, so i am pretending we are having tea and after being alone all day, you are giving me permission to simply babble...
there is this truth that i keep a lot of things private on my blog even though i do consider this a deeply personal space (and many a person has asked me how i can share so much of my life here). i have wanted to come to this page many times to share pieces of how challenging this pregnancy has been. but part of me has just not wanted to explain yet again. and i guess the last thing i want is advice...and (kind, well-meaning) people just can't seem to stop themselves from giving the pregnant girl advice. do you know what i mean? people can simply say the oddest things that are more about them and less about support and listening. but what we have been experiencing isn't something where advice really is helpful...i have learned a lot about my own need to support instead of listen through this experience and am trying to hold the space more and talk less with friends.
from nausea etc. for many weeks to suddenly being thrust into the world of more tests and ultrasounds and "everything is probably fine but just in case it isn't, we are going to do all of this," i have found myself feeling like a yoyo emotionally as we look toward next month and this little one's arrival. i haven't gained much weight (and lost a bit when i was sick), so i haven't looked "super pregnant" (though i am starting to) and the comments of "where is she in there?" have only reminded me of the "everything is fine but it might not be" reality, even though i have just smiled and tried to say, "oh i haven't gained much weight." the truth is we have been in that category of "worrying about 'baby's growth'" for months. and these comments have only reminded me of that truth. the good news is everything IS probably fine (and an ultrasound with a specialist yesterday confirmed that) and she is a perfect size (as her feet and elbows remind me). but the unknown is scary. especially when your unknown has a higher percentage of not so good than the average person.
i miss my grandparents. but spring brings them to me. and i know this. and it is beautiful.
i am so glad jon wasn't the only dad at breastfeeding class last night. and he was some kind of cute practicing bottle feeding the baby doll we were given during class. seriously. the guy is so ready to meet his daughter. watching him shift a bit these last few months has been such a gift. we are going to a couples who are pregnant weekend workshop this weekend and i look forward to continuing to deepen this standing tall together partnership we have.
in the last six weeks or so, i have found myself escaping to books read aloud on my ipod and sewing prayer flags and hammering letters into lockets. this has been a gift as i seem to find my footing as the rhythm of creating surrounds me. of course, it means i am behind on finishing the nursery, but that is okay. it will all come together. it also means my etsy shop is stocked with more things than i have had in there in months (including some fabric items that had been in a gallery for a while and are now back in the little room). there is such a gift of joy when i package up these whispers of hope to send them out into the world knowing someone is waiting to wear or hang them...and knowing i will be going on a maternity leave of sorts in about a month seems to have pushed me to fill up the shop.
i am in the midst of the last few weeks of working on the book. the first round of author review has happened and the designer is making it beautiful. and, i have been invited to know it is indeed real by the powers-at-be at amazon.com because Inner Excavation is available for preorder (right here...so it is indeed real). the wheels in my brain are turning as i think about all i want to share about this experience and the dream come true of putting words onto a page that will be turned into a book that one can hold in one's hands. it has been its own birth of sorts...and i am so glad for the opportunity to share it with you.
i am so excited that a fall be present retreat is in the works. it will be juicy and full of opportunities to sift through our dreams and truths and moments to claim where we are on our path and invitations to spend time in the quiet soaking it all in. yes. it is going to be so good. details will be available by early next month. so stay tuned.
tomorrow brings a new nine interview to this space. the photos from the interviewee will take your breath away. love this series.
and now, in this moment, i would love to listen instead of ramble. please share where you are in your world...what is taking up space in your brain (that you would like to let go of)? how are you? (really. how are you?)
ramblings in write, write, write
Reader Comments (15)
hello my friend... you're ramblings are beautiful and remind me that everyone is deep in the art of living life and that we are all doing the very best we can...
i'm so glad i could join you for tea today. i'm in a good place...not that it's without its pain...but i can hold it and i can breathe in it...and that is important. as for what i've been up to--i'm trying to figure out how to start a conversation i seriously DO NOT want to have...but need to have... i'm trying to hold the moments of sadness and lostness... i'm also recognizing moments of not feeling fully live and the impact that has on being and breathing and showing up... but least that all sound negative let me promise you it's not. it's just a part of all of it...and part of wanting a life of beauty, peace, passion, and creativity...
Liz, I too had a difficult pregnancy with 7 months of being sick and LOSING weight-I dropped 50 lbs. and like you, did not look pregnant until right at the very end. My son was a strapping 9 lbs. 9 1/2 oz. when he finally made his appearance (3 wks. late!) so I can certainly relate to the anxiety and the not wanting to talk about it anymore and sometimes feeling desperately alone. I cried alot-I thought I was going to be pregnant and sick forever. ALl you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other, moment, by moment. No one tells you that being pregnant is anything but sunshine and kittens so when some of us find that's not the experience we're having, it's a big letdown. I wanted it to be the happiest time in my life and it wasn't.
So glad your book is doing well and will be to market soon. That's a big a job as bringing a child into the world and that you've somehow managed to do both at once is AMAZING and BRAVE!!
I am slogging along. Not feeling great-I am headed up to see my GP in 1/2 hour. Same old, same old. Tired, in pain, trying to ignore it all and have a life. Something that lit my day was Teesha put a really fab 4 part video tutorial for making her fabric journals on her blog. She made a journal bag and I REALLY want to make myself one. I think it would be really happy making to carry a really tarted up, handmade art purse around. I think I could prep all the pieces and then lie on the couch or in bed and do the stitching on it. It's going on my to-do list.
How's the music? WHat did you think? Did I get it right?
Thanks for the heads up. I just put the "pre-order" book in my shopping cart. And remember that when you have a chance, I have a little present for the young miss. Also, don't worry too much about having the nursery ready --- if you're like me, you'll want her near your bed at night so you can reach out and grab her to breast-feed (which can be done lying down if you're not too afraid). Then when she's a little older and sleeping through the night, you can finish up the nursery. She doesn't care if everything is totally fixed up -- she wants cuddles and milk and kisses on her tummy. . . and oh yeah, diaper changes often enough that she doesn't get uncomfortable. Do you have the Dunstan Baby Language DVD yet? It's amazing!
while I am not ready to share the specifics of what I have been going through for the last month, (just yet), I want you to know how your words resonate with me today and make me feel not so alone, and that it's okay for me to turn inward and not talk about what's going on, (for now), in an effort to shield myself from "well-meaning advice". I'm hoping for a bit clarity tomorrow and praying for good news. Uncertainty has taken it's toll on me for the past month, and I am soooo exhausted. Thank you for providing this safe space to share this wee bit.
:) I really loved reading this entry.
Because something I've learned (post pregnancy and baby) is that I can get caught up in my talk. And I truly come from a good place with it because I so totally enjoyed that time in my life - and I'm really (really!!) excited to share what I know or my experiences with expectant moms.
But I've learned to tone that down. And to listen. And I see here through your experience just how important that is.
You have a very gentle way about you - and I really admire that quality.
Coming here to share in your experiences has been a bright spot in my day.
Praying for you and holding you in this tender time.
Blessings, momma.
XO
I so love your entries. I feel like you are sitting with me. Perhaps someday we will meet and sit over a cup of fabulous coffee.
I am excited that there will be another Be Present retreat. I hope to be there. I wish you many blessings with the arrival of your daughter. You are so full of light and love. You will be an extraordinary mother. My very unsolicited advice...Listen to your own heart. You will know what is right for you.
Blessings
First of all, hugs to you and Jon! Pregnancy is quite the trip, isn't it?
As for me, well, some days are wonderful, some days are scary. My husband is struggling with work issues right now; we may be forced to move again in the next year or two. As I approach 50, I'm fed up with moving every 4-6 years, and now that I have a tween, it's even harder to consider moving when he'll be in the middle of middle school. (sigh) The good news is, my husband is doing remarkable well, all things considered, and that is a relief and a blessing. And I am less fearful than I have been in the past, so I can be more present to my husband and son as we travel through this stuff.
It's a little ironic that I can post this as comments on your blog, but I can't post this stuff on my own blog. It's that small-town quotient -- any comments I make publicly could be turned against my husband, so I have to watch it. I am so grateful that I have folks that I can trust and talk to. Friends are the best mental health insurance.
No advice from me. I envy your ability to really listen to your body and heart and spirit and follow their guidance. I am learning .. but it seems to come slowly.
How am I? I discovered that I need to grieve the loss of my old life as it morphs into the new one. Odd, it seems, because it is changing into the one that is right for me. But I suppose I can see the sense in saying goodbye to something that is familiar and comforting and safe.
Very good news on the book and the retreat!
reading your words, i let them in and sat with them and want you to know that I am holding them for you. thank you for sharing your thoughts, worries and life with us. you are a gift.
what I am going through is hard and yucky and I hate to talk about it so i won't here, but know that your lovely prayer flags are hanging above me reminding me to be present and to manifest what comes next.
xoxo
thank you for sharing this my friend.
i've been wondering about how this pregnancy had been really going for you since i last visited with you. i have no advice, no story of my own to tell you, just love to send you.
i will gladly sit and listen to you ramble an.y.time.
there are many thoughts i would like to let go of. the ones foremost in my mind being around my worth and what the gifts are that i can bring to this world.
thanks for sharing your thoughts here: feel me press my warm hand into yours.
x
I love the way you open yourself to us...I only joined the blogosphere recently, in the past few months, but already my journey has been incredible, enlightening and soul-searching. I am revisiting my teenage years when I wanted to be a poet and a photographer, and wondering now why I chose other paths. I am looking at all the incredible talent here in this world and wondering if I can ever measure up. And I read writers like you and so appreciate your ability, your talent, and your willingness to put it all out there. Thank you for that. And thank you, for listening.
I have no stories to share today.
Only love and care to send your way.
My heart beats with compassion for you and yours.
xxx
Thank you for sharing. I admire the honesty and authenticity with which you write. I look forward to learning more about your upcoming Be Present Retreat. It seems like it would be really, really wonderful. I would love to be there to learn, to share and to listen.
I need to let go of the fear that i willl hurt others or offend them if I share my true feelings. Those who are my true friends wil support me and respect my feelings for what they are (I hope). I need to let go of the fact that I cannot change the past, but celebrate the fact that I can make the most of the present.
Thank you for sharing. Thanks for offering the opportunity for others to share their comments as well.
Kind wishes-
-Carrie