the realness of here
Left (Wednesday mid-morning) :: in this moment, this is what motherhood looks like: Tired. Grateful. A bit scared. A lot optimistic. Overwhelmed. Present. Real. Holding on to joy.
Right (Wednesday late-afternoon) :: here: adele. hot tea. getting ready to chat with my coach. it's good. yep. I got this.
The photos + words above are glimpses into two moments in my world yesterday. I love that they really are an illustration of how things go around here. One moment can be full of so much worry and exhaustion and aloneness and thank goodness she is napping. Another later in the day can be full of big dreams and a certainty that I am going to make them real.
And a lot of the time that certainty of yesterday afternoon seems impossible to find.
And sometimes I feel lonely like I did yesterday morning.
But neither of these photos illustrates exactly how it is around here or how I feel all the time.
They are glimpses into my world. Glimpses into the realness of working from home + being a mom/caregiver throughout the day and trying to figure out how to ask for help and trying to find my way and how the list goes on. They are glimpses into the beauty and the shit. They are just glimpses that tell pieces of the story. For the whole story, well, you would have to move in and I still probably wouldn't tell you everything.
Today, the following words are really just tumbling out of me and even though I feel a bit uncertain about sharing, I am going with it:
In my corner here, I try to just tell stories. Sometimes the stories are full of joy and other times they might be a glimpse into grieving. I might share poem notes, bits about motherhood, and how I am using my new favorite journals. And sometimes I tell these stories through my jewelry, my workshops, and my retreats.
I mostly try to pay attention to my life
so that I feel less crazy
and less alone.
And the tools I usually use to share how I pay attention are my camera and my pen or laptop.
This is just how I do it. There really is no right or wrong way to share your stories online or in other ways.
And in this moment, I have to admit to feeling a bit defensive after noticing a trend of blog posts that seem to invite those of us trying to find the beauty in the present moment or trying to notice the simple things to feel like we are trying to show the world that life is perfect.
This practice of being right here...of noticing the moment and how I feel and choosing to sometimes walk right to the mirror and look myself in the eyes so that I feel less alone...well, this is how I get through.
And something tells me that a lot of other people (perhaps all of us) are doing what they do to get through too.
When Jon and I saw Anne Lamott speak last Friday night, she talked about how people who talk about "being present" and breathing or people who say things like "Let go and let God" sometimes make her feel like taking a fork and stabbing them in the forehead like a baked potato. That moment was so funny. Everyone laughed. She said it with such conviction that I am still laughing about it as I type this. I am with her on the platitudes that people seem to need to say, especially when saying things they think God would tell us, as though they are speaking for God.
But as I was laughing, I was also very aware of her use of the words "be present."
Then she said, "But it turns out breath was part of the way home."
And I started crying.
Because this is what it is to me. This is what it is all about. Finding my way home. Letting the breath, letting a power greater than me, letting my own wisdom hold the space for what I most need.
When I take a photo like the iPhone self-portraits above, I find my breath and I find my way back to me just for that second. And for that moment, I let go of so much and just observe what is really happening. When I pair the photo with words like I did in both of these moments above, I can drill right down to what I am feeling, and often, I uncover what I know. And I can't avoid it because I am staring back at me.
Self-portraits are really like a prayer for me.
When I try to find beauty in the midst of the everyday, it isn't about pretending life is perfect. In fact, it is really more about finding the beauty in the mess...in the piles of bills...in the toddlerness of things...in the hard stuff and the good stuff. I don't want to forget that there is love and joy and music that makes me dance each time I hear it and a really good cup of tea waiting for me even in the midst of complete uncertainty.
And each time I share in this corner, it is just a glimpse. It is just me reaching out hoping someone will nod and say, "Me too." It is just me wanting someone to see me and wanting you to know you are not alone.
(Thanks for reading.)
[Edited to add: After reading laney's comment, I realize that when I talked about Anne Lamott above, I really did pull this section of her talk out of context, and if I were Ms. Lamott, I might would be a bit annoyed with me. And if you are not familiar with her writing, you might assume a lot about her based on what I share above and that would be sad. She is incredible and thoughtful and funny and really seems to just tell the truth. The context above was more about how we can feel resistent to the very thing we need. And that sometimes the way someone says it, turns us away, but then we find our way back to it. I am putting my spin on her words and really this is not what I planned to share about her talk (as I do plan to write more soon).
I have no reason to believe that she wasn't saying that she doesn't believe in the idea of "Let go and let God;" it really is more about the phrasing and the timing of when people choose to use what I call platitudes. Her words were funny in context because I think it is just so true that people try to help and so often say the wrong thing that just doesn't resonate when we are deeply in pain. I so appreciate Carol's comment about her mother-in-law telling her to just pray and how at the time it might have felt dismissive because she wanted a plan of action. Now, though, as she wrote in her comment below, she sees "when things seem overwhelming, really truly the only answer is to 'just pray' or breathe or be in the moment or offer it up to the Universe or whatever you want to call it because there is nothing left."
I hope this helps explain (or even over-explain) why I chose to pull that bit of her talk out for this piece that poured out of me Thursday. If reading it all feels clunky, well, I think that is because all the pieces I am sharing are a bit noisy and messy and unsure of where they fit. But I guess I just wanted to start the conversation instead of sitting silently over here.]
*****
Deeply inspired by Darrah's post about the realness of the first few months of motherhood and Jen's post about "a life in progress" and Erika's post at Shutter Sisters about how "your life is newsworthy."
real
Reader Comments (13)
love :)
I am a VERY optimistic person ... I truly enjoy spreading the love around ... I like to tell it as it is without worrying about what everyone is going to think about my life. I LOVE to glow with sunshine and happiness and love!!! It keeps me going, and gives me extra purpose. Does that mean that my life is all rainbows & happiness every moment of every day.
nope - not even close
I have lupus & many days it's a struggle to even smile. My husband is a newly recovering alcoholic. I have teenagers I worry about every minute of every day. I lose hope ... get lonely ... stray off the path ... sit crying and worrying about life & my purpose in it ... I make bad choices and fall down ALL the time!
I think sometimes people like to pretend that being happy isn't a CHOICE. That it's completely out of their hands. That finding and sharing happiness is only for happy people with easy lives. It is a CHOICE I make every day when my eyes open - TODAY, I am going to do everything I can to make it a good one and not waste it. It's hard, and sometimes I fail miserably. But the great news is tomorrow I get to make that choice to be happy all over again.
I am loving your posts lately Liz, and how they REALLY give me something to think about.
:)
Jen
this made me almost cry - thank god for the anne lamott quote that made me laugh.
i sometimes feel i have nothing to say - in fact, i often say that - but i come to the keyboard or the page every day to sit and breathe and look around and share that looking around. however small it may be. life - at least my life - is far far far from perfect, but there are those moments in the middle of the imperfection that are gifts.
i don't visit you enough. i can tell. i'll be changing that.
thanks for saying stuff out loud.
Thank you for sharing your story so I feel more confident in sharing mine.
Thank you for being honest and open.
Thank you for noting that people saying "Just breathe" does, indeed, make you want to punch people in the face (my version of the fork) and that it's not really about the saying as much as it's about the doing i.e. the PRACTICE --
Of noticing, of living our lives fully, of being present.
Your posts are a life line!
Love this-- love these practices that help us get to the root of the matter, that don't demand that we broadcast anything but what is real in that moment.
And Anne Lamott keeps throwing me life preservers with her words all the time, the funny and the tearful too.
Me too, my friend.
My eyes filled with tears, reading that breath turned out to be part of the way home.
These moments aren't "enough" to turn a shitty day around. But to take a moment to breathe and notice them: that is everything.
xx
Here's what I know to be true about living in the moment:
Most people's unhappiness can be attributed two one of two things: Either they are living in the past, or they are living in the future.
There, I said it.
If they are living in the past, they are bemoaning the fact that things happened that they can't change. They are mostly likely feeling guilty about some of those things. Or they are wishing for what was, instead of focussing on what is because it's easy to think the grass was greener at some other point in time. They are never going to be happy because they can't go back.
If they are living in the future, they are giving their lives over to "I'll be happy when" thinking. Or they are worrying about things that haven't (and may not ever) happen yet. They are wasting energy on "what ifs". They are never going to be happy because the future is always going to be right out in front of them, forever, no matter what they do. It's elusive.
And let's be honest-none of us is promised anything beyond THIS EXACT SECOND-this breath we hold in our lungs RIGHT NOW.
If you can work towards confining your living to right now, in this moment, you can let go of what came before and what is to come and enjoy what actually IS. We spend too much of our lives wishing it away. We don't honour our prescence in this time and place. We walk through our lives half asleep. Some of us need a wake up call.
The beautiful thing about living in the moment is that when you're really doing it, it requires absolutely no thought at all. It's a return to the truth of your existance. It feels as natural as the beating of your heart.
P.S. The fork thing cracked me up too.
I love getting glimpses that show some of the depth and variety and wholeness that isn't the whole story, but that is all part of the story.
I admit—I have written a version of the grumbling post about people who seem to think life is perfect. I wrote it last summer. And it didn't sound like it, but it was really about me and the way I hold onto grief and hurt sometimes, especially in the light of somebody else's joy or beauty. I realized that while I had learned to find the beauty in my days (most days), I had a "yabut" reaction when others described what felt like perfection. I've been working on that. I appreciate seeking and finding the beauty and the good. I appreciate the reminders to do it (one of the reasons I come back here), but I admit I find it easier to take when I see a little of the challenge or the bitter that contrasts the beauty. None of it is the whole story, but seeing a wider frame of the story gives contrast to each.
"This is how I get through." Yep. And amen to that. Aren't we all just trying to get through? Yes. xo
I always enjoy your posts because they do seem so honest. If life were perfect there would not be shelves and shelves of "self help" books on library and bookstore shelves. There would just be a big sign that says "breathe". When I was a young mother a million years ago I would ask my mother-in-law for advice when I was overtired, overwrought, and burnt out because things weren't going according to my "perfect"plan. She would look me in the eye and say"just pray". Oh I so wanted to stick the fork in (glad to hear I'm not the only one!). I thought it was such a cop out, I wanted a concrete answer, a plan of action. Many years have gone by-I have 2 amazing adult children with amazing children of their own. I am now the sole caregiver for my husband who has ALS, Lou Gherigs disease., and when things seem overwhelming ,really truly the only answer is to "just pray" or Breathe or be in the moment or offer it up to the Universe or whatever you want to call it because there is nothing left. I so agree with the writer who talked about being in the moment. Not always easy but the past is gone, the future not here yet, just now. you got here, somehow, now! Relish in it, Congratulate yourself and yes choose happiness. It is a choice-not an easy one always-but always a choice! Choose to be you. Sorry for the rambling-just had to be said. CW
i don't just want to "get through"-- i want to live my life to the fullest, and for me, that is what being present is all about.
i laughed & hurt a little bit at the anne lamont quote. maybe b/c i can't figure out the context. was it a dig?
i've never had the impression that you were sending a message of perfection. what is that anyway? what "it" is, it's not for me! :) if my life were perfect, i'd be at work today, instead of taking of the day off b/c i overslept & life has been too overwhelming for me later, my husband would have a more stable job, my sister would be living on earth instead of heaven, the list can go on & on. I'm choosing to live my life with what i have now& i like it! xo
What an awesome post! Me too! Today I felt like a crabby blob. But, tomorrow I will feel like queen of the world I bet! I went to hear Annie Lamott speak and I've read all her books, she is so real and down to earth and I totally know what she was saying. I feel that way when someone talks about doing yoga. Super cool blog, girl!
hi liz, thanks for the clarification. :) BTW, love the pics of ellie jane from your other posts & the new "truth" item in the shop. have a great weekend!
Thank you Liz. Because right now, I am in the middle of the sh*t - and having a difficult time just finding my breath & my footing. It really helps to know that I'm not alone.
And that there is beauty to be found within the mess.
And.. that these journals we share are only pieces of the whole.
xo