scenes from an evening
*****
last evening, i closed the laptop and didn't open it again until this morning. the to do list is long and varied over here, but if i don't give myself permission to take a break, the truth is, the joy simply gets lost and seems to hang out with the dog fur under the couch.
this path is hard at times. this taking care of ellie and working from home each day. yesterday was a day when her health "stuff" was more front and center, and this adds a layer of emotion that is hard to explain. i keep trying to come up with a metaphor to help the people in my life understand, and all i can come up with is that having a child with specific health issues causes a family to feel a bit fractured...disjointed. the days are unpredictable. we get into the groove similar to what i imagine most parents of an eight-month old are in, and then i suddenly notice her heart beating faster than it should. i push myself not to panic but out comes the stethoscope and i listen, hoping. our days revolve around three doses of medication that must be refrigerated. i carry certain things in her diaper bag that other mamas probably don't because i know what it is like to be told that you have to go to the ICU. right. now.
so when she finally fell asleep yesterday afternoon, and i was in a place where i was trusting she is going to be okay until i can talk to the cardiologist today, i decided to play with fabric for a change. pushing all my beads and lockets and list of custom orders to one side of the kitchen table, i began to sew something just for me. i probably should have napped (as the days and nights have been intense this week with a tooth finally popping through), but i just needed the rhythm of that sewing machine and the joy of patchworked colors side by side.
when jon got home, i closed the laptop and tried to just be right here in the moment with my little family. my heart felt bigger and more like it was at home as i simply took it all in...
i love that snapping just a few photos from this evening will always remind me of these truths.
this is us in mama journey, through the lens
Reader Comments (17)
liz.
this is such a beautiful story of your present truth.
i adore this last photo of your sweet family so much.
{and i adore you}
taking a deep breath here.
this has made my day.
hope ellie is ok this morning and you'll have a restful day. so glad you had that special family time last night. :) i don't think i understood that medication and careful monitoring were stil required - i thought surgery took care of the entire issue. i hope things will calm on the health front soon so you won't live in that place of limbo where "what if" is intertwined with the present. anxiety is a peace thief - no wonder you are tired! sending hugs and good wishes for a joy filled weekend.
i understand what it's like to get into a lovely routine and have it so suddenly disrupted by illness. just keep still in your mind, and use your heart. <3
Aw, Liz, this post brought tears to my eyes. You and your little family is so beautiful...the ups and downs of what you are going through, making it all the more profound. xo
Good for you, getting out those fabrics and taking care of yourself!!! What did you make?
Sadly, i can totaly relate to the feeling of having your lovely routine completely smashed with illness... although in our family it's me with heartmedication (no fridge needed)... got my 'condition' completely free and delivered straight at 'my doorstep' all thanks to the cocktail of chemo and herceptin i needed because i got breastcancer! Nice... but no matter how shit i might feel, i say with my hand on my slightly disarrayed heart, i'm SO glad that it's me and not my child! In that perspective my struggle is so minor to yours!
Anyway... these last couple of month i'm trying to get my life back on track, and trying to find some peace of mind... not easy (getting my body pumped full with chemo again and again was easier somehow! Well, before i found out that it was damaging other rather critical bodyparts, that is...) but your blog is a great help! Nice to know that i'm not alone stuggling, nice to be pointed to the things that really matter in our lives, nice to see that it's okay to take time for me!
Oh, i actually did't mean to ramble on like this, only wanted to say 'hi' and 'thank you'!
So... hi!
and... thank you!
sweet, sweet post, lizzie. so glad for your quiet evening...sending hugs...xo
your dog looks worried too. i hope things settle for you soon - the roller-coaster must be terrifying.
god bless ellie! she is beautiful liz :)
hi liz, what beautiful fabric! when i first saw the fabric i began to wonder what you would write about & then scrolled down to see the rest of the pics- all beautiful (even the root beer) in their own unique way-- which i get a sense you've been trying to communicate to us-- it's OK to be our unique selves & share it-- let our love & hurt & fear be a part of who we are-- to dream & to live & never give up & always have hope. thank you for sending these messages out-- it means the world!
i *love* this post! that pic of Ellie is too much and i LOVE the portrait of the three of you. YES to closing the laptop. YES to listening to her little heart...and thereby tending to your own. what a gift she must be. she gifts me every time she looks into your camera. xoxo
love the puppy!!! i have a golden also and couldn't live without him!
That photo of the three of you -- so, so beautiful. Good for you for taking some time for yourself. It's absolutely necessary!
thinking of you on this sunny saturday (first sunny day in what feels like weeks) xo
doggie noses, baby smiles, stitches, root beer, and hubby hugs....!!! can't get any better combo than that. I'm thrilled you were able to take some time to do those things. loves....
i realize i am hopping over here days after this beautiful, heartwarming, authentic, soul stirring post was put up.
it is funny how on this day....it is EXACTLY what i needed to see....the words, the images, the love that is spilling over.
thank you beautiful, beautiful you.
thank you.
ox
k
permission to take a break is a real doozy sometimes. yup.
beautiful pictures of you three!