living in an instagrammed world
One topic I want to talk about more when I circle with women this year is how we move through the world now that social media is part of our everyday lives. We are at the forefront of figuring this out with little to no trail behind us to help us navigate. I believe that we will find our way by having conversations about it all, while also sitting in the quiet and listening to what is best for each of us.
I've talked a little about this from the perspective of how we live an entire world outside of our Facebook statuses and I often bring up the truth that we never really know the full story when we see snippets of someone's day online. I also think we fill in the blanks with our own assumptions, which is something I tend to do when I am pretty depleted and not practicing self-care. I can go from cheering on a friend or colleague on Facebook one day to feeling jealous or "not enough" when seeing a similar status the next day.
Today, I want to tell the story of this photo of Ellie that I Instagrammed last Friday. It was taken in the middle of our messy family room during our Friday evening "movie night" while we had picnic on the pullout sofa. One of her new favorite things is looking through my poetry books and pretending to "read" them. She sometimes just turns the pages quickly, and other times she reads the letters out loud or makes up her own words.
When I put this photo up on Instagram, I wrote: She's been "reading" my books lately. Tonight it's Elizabeth Bishop's poetry. "I'm reading Poet Trees Mama!!!" And she's pointing out the question marks and tiddles. #notkidding #tiddleisthedotabovethei
After I posted it, I had a tiny nagging feeling that it might read like I was boasting about my brilliant daughter.
But if you jumped to that assumption, you would be missing a lot of pieces of our story: Ellie Jane didn't start saying any words until she started pre-school last fall. She was 2 years and 4 months old when she started using about 15-20 words to communicate.
Everywhere you go as a new parent, they tell you "Two year olds should have 50 words when they turn two or you should be worried." When she said about two words at almost two (and we felt like we had evidence of her regressing since she seemed to have more words at 18 months), I took her to a speech therapist. She didn't think anything was "wrong" but was concerned about Ellie not having any words based on how clearly she seemed to understand. When I played the "speech therapy homework" games with Ellie, she would look at me like, "Have you lost your mind? This is bizarre. Talk to me like you usually do please." Or she would start laughing. I'm not kidding.
So I just went with my intuition and we didn't return for a third visit to the therapist and I stopped doing the games. Most days last summer were about trying not to get as frustrated as she was. And then she went to school and we quickly went from single words to three words together to full stories in just a few weeks.
But there were several months there when she didn't say anything and we couldn't help but wonder if we were finally seeing the potential long-term effects of her heart problems.
And each day I stand in the gratitude that this doesn't seem to be the case.
But here is the piece I really want you to hear today: Over the last three years, I've seldom shared Ellie's newest milestone, especially in short snippets on social media, because I've thought about all the moms out there who would give anything for their child to talk or run or clearly express emotions.
Because I was that mom for the first two years of Ellie's life. Willing her to gain weight. Hoping I was making the right choices. Feeding her things like chicken nuggets and milk shakes and not wanting you to know because I didn't want to be judged. Trying not to burst into tears each time another mom posted a photo of her baby's adorably kissable chunky thighs that Ellie would never have because she was always at less than 5% for weight because of her heart problems. (If you are new to this space, it is helpful to know that our daughter had open-heart surgery at four months old and was on medication for a separate heart issue for the first two years of her life.)
I didn't want to invite other moms to feel like I did in those moments when I wished we could just have a "normal" experience.
And along the way this spilled over into other areas of my life. I don't often share the celebrations about my business because I worry about the jealousy that can seem to be really present sometimes in our creative community. Or I worry that someone will begin to assume we are somehow rolling in money over here because one of my retreats sells out, when that person has no idea of what our financial situation is because those details are too personal for a blog or Facebook status.
I've even noticed myself not wanting to share the details of a really happy moment because I'm trying to be responsible for other people's feelings instead of letting them take care of themselves. I tend to share these moments like this Facebook status from a few weeks ago: This update could just say: homemade pizza in the oven, folk music in the air, Ellie and Jonny chatting and playing at the table. But those words would not convey how darn hard it is to be a parent and partner sometimes. Trying to just really notice when the beauty sneaks in amidst the everyday chaos.
It is important to note that I haven't felt like I've been stifling my stories. I share stories here and on Instagram every day. But, these pieces are still a part of my journey with social media and I think it is helpful to know that someone like me who shares a lot each day feels this way too.
And it isn't as though I think we shouldn't share the celebrations. Do I want mamas of healthy babies not to post their happy photos? NO! I want to see those happy chubby babies in my Instagram feed. Do I mean that I don't want my friends to celebrate their businesses and lives. NO! I am actually saying the opposite here.
But I think we need to have conversations about how to navigate all of this.
As I think about my experiences with social media during the last few years, and even the last few months, I've come to these three beliefs that I'm continually looking at:
1) We have to be able to find our way in telling the truths of our own stories (from the big truths to the every day little stories) while being mindful of others who will be reading them in the middle of their day. Pausing before posting and just thinking about it all feels like one way to navigate this "instant sharing" many of us do daily. Maybe beginning to to integrate more kindness, toward ourselves and others, before we click "share" is a place to begin.
2) We need to begin to notice if we are actually experiencing the beauty of our lives while documenting it. Taking time to notice if I'm sharing details more than experiencing my life gives me clues about how I'm using social media. Can I really be experiencing a gorgeous day with friends if I'm spending half the time letting my Instagram buddies know every detail? Am I listening to my child tell a story if I'm interupting to say, "Wait, I just really want everyone to see how cute you look right now?" Only I know the answer to these and similar questions.
3) And then I think we have to be responsible for the way we navigate other people's stories. Maybe this means checking in more to see if this is really the right moment to check Facebook. Maybe this means going outside and taking five deep breaths when you notice yourself doing the "Check email. Check Facebook. Check Twitter. Check Pinterest. Check Instagram. Check other email. Repeat." dance on your phone. Maybe this means putting up a sticky note next to your laptop that says, "We all have a story." Or "Are you in the right space to respond to this?" Or simply "Check yourself." We talk about how teenagers are wasting time on social media or hurting one another and themselves, when we are doing this too...perhaps in different ways, but it is there.
These are the conversations I want to have and I hope you will join me. Let's come from a place of truth and love and an openness to understanding as we find our way together. I'm interested in hearing your thoughts just as I hope you will be open to mine.
Thanks for reading and being out there sharing your stories and walking beside me.
Blessings,
Liz
living in an instagrammed world in real
Reader Comments (20)
Oh! This is brilliant!!! I am SOOOO with you on this topic ~ and by that I mean I agree with you wholeheartedly, share in your needs/wants/desires/concerns/confusions, and hold you in the sacred space of my heart as you navigate these questions. I have been on a similar journey in regards to my life transition over the past 18 months (big picture) and very much struggle with navigating my (day-to-day) online life. I even brought this up in a therapy session awhile back!
All that being said....YES, please include me in further discussion on this topic!!! xoxoxoxoxo
Thank you for venturing into this important conversation. I so often judge my own insides by someone else's outsides. And I try to share my own moments of beauty always with honesty--but it can be difficult to know where to draw the line since I'm also an entrepreneur. When is curating a sweet scene actually editing out the "truth"? Lots to think about here. We are living in a time of real change, and I think it's vital that we keep thinking about these influences on our everyday lives. You can never go wrong with keeping kindness at the forefront--for ourselves and for others.
What a wonderful post & so true! I've been a horrible blogger lately because I have not been feeling all happiness & sunshine. My 18 year old has been driving me insane with all sorts of things (relatively minor, but her attitude is what sucks the most). I feel like if I say what's really on my mind, I'll be judged & it's just not comfortable. I get jealous of all these mother/daughter pairs who claim to be each others best friends. I have to remind myself that people tend to only post the positive. I tend to post & speak with frank honesty. Every time I post about trying to find my way or today wasn't so great, my uncle emails me & tells me he'll pay for me to go to a ridiculous cult-like self help seminar. So I get you...I totally get you. And your daughter is simply beautiful!
I think this is an incredibly important discussion to be having, and I'm glad to see that you've brought it up, I've been finding I've been thinking along similar lines, personally... I come at it from the perspective of someone who grew up doing all of this sharing online. I'm 29 now, but my family got our first computer when I was 9 and I created my first website and started journalling online when I was 13, and I was an early adopter of most social networking sites, so for me... sharing online is something that's so habitual that I often don't stop to consciously think through what I'm posting or why I'm posting it.
Such a wonderful, thoughtful post. I'm a prolific poster on FB and instagram because I love my life and I love my iphone, but sometimes I do wonder if people are rolling their eyes at my bubbles, wildflowers, mountain views, and kids doing handstands. The other day I posted something and a friend commented, "What a great mom!" I self-deprecatingly posted back, "I'm not a great mom but I play one on Facebook." I do love seeing friends posting pics of their kids with Easter baskets or going to prom or graduations. It is what makes sharing wonderful. But I do so agree with you that we need to be thoughtful in our posts and in our reactions to others. Everyone does have a story and honoring that makes us all stronger. Thank you.
i really love the sensitivity and depth with with this topic was addressed here.
the discussion makes me think of a daily self-portraiture project i started doing this year on flickr. i only post photos that i perceive to be beautiful, in some way, even if there is a big mess around me, or i have bed hair, or it's of my belly just after i've eaten a big meal. i'm interested in the way that the mundane, the broken, and the weird, can be beautiful. i'm online a lot, i blog almost every day, i have an online shop, and i'm pretty often on facebook and flickr. i don't post anything i don't believe is beautiful, because why would i want to grow by sharing anything that is not? to me, truth is beauty, and i'm diligent about truth, so i share the heartache too.
maybe what we share online is what we find beautiful and what we want to grow.
it feels obvious to me when i see a person only presenting an ideal version of life online, and i want to ask them, 'darling, is this true for you?' and i wonder about the beauty of who they really are, that's being withheld. usually though, i feel as though there is nothing for me to see there, and i just move elsewhere, to read and experience another who is willing to express what is inside them as only they can. it always teaches me, moves me, inspires me to witness another's truth.
and i'm interested in expanding definitions of beauty, so i'm interested in those self-portraits i don't find beautiful enough to share. i won't share them, but i'm watching myself as i continue taking my pictures, seeing if little cracks will come through my awareness, noticing something that was ugly/too shameful to me before, become something i am proud to call mine.
I just want to say, yes. Yes, this is a relevant conversation for us to have. For us all. For the friends who are "too busy for the social media crap" and for the friends whose only way to get through the day is to check in and know they're not alone in all of this. And especially for those of us who make our living by circulating our cash in this creative, social economy. For all the stories told and untold. For the many, many layers of each of us that these limited dimensions can hold. There's an ebb and a flow to it, also. Days of deep, flowing connection and days of hiding from it all. Days of forgetting where you put your phone and days of throbbing wrist from too much tippy tapping. Do we glide through it all, serenely and aloft, or do we stagger from highlight to lowlight and every detail in between? It doesn't really matter what, or when, after all that is always individual - but how. I can see how our personality types play into the how. On the scale of confrontation with the world, it certainly won't occur to many people that their actions would jar with anyone, whilst others may be overly concerned. It's not the only factor, but an important one, I see. You, dear Liz, are a beautiful, thoughtful guide through it all. Thank you xo
Oh, I absolutely agree with this post. Thanks for saying what so many of us must be thinking. :)
Hey girl. Loving this post :) Thinking about my own instagram feed, I feel like it might look like I share a lot to others, but really, it's just snippets. A self portrait. A pic of my dinner (which of course some are styled *i love cooking and am so proud of the final result. yes i'm gonna present it like a piece of art before gobbling it up!). A pic of my kid. A pic of where I am, etc. Instagram has become the *visual* status update that completely changed the game from reading the words to now seeing a status in real time.
The three beliefs about sharing on social media are so, so good. I've been thinking a lot about this too and I'd love to share 2 of my own beliefs with you and anyone else who finds them helpful:
*(like you said up in your post) Check yourself. Why are you really sharing this photo / these words / this moment with the world? Are you truly coming from a place of 'yes' this is how i am right now and i want to document it - or - are you thinking about the audience and the likes you might get? Before you begin sharing your story, you might want to get right with why you are doing it. Most of us want to be seen and to connect with others. Some are just interested in climbing the social media success ladder. I think we find our people when we feel a natural gravitation towards them through something they have shared that has touched our hearts. It's organic and it feels right.
That's truly how I feel about connecting online.
The second little nugget is something I put into practice when I started my blog back in 2005. Fuck assumptions. It's natural for us to assume things about others and because we do that, it's also natural to assume we know what they are thinking about us. What is an assumption anyway? Is it a truth? No. It's something we begin to think or believe based off of snippets of words, photos, or actions - and more than likely, our assumptions are wrong. I believe in being mindful of other people's feelings. I know that if I post a photo of myself and a friend it might trigger someone that see's it and that has given me reason to pause. But really, I don't like that feeling because when I am with someone I love, feeling good, having a great day with them, I want to document it if it's a part of my story I want to share. (but that's just me).
That photo you posted of your girl, I totally got it just by the way you worded it. It was a cute and sweet moment with your toddler. A snippet. I didn't assume anything about that photo because it looked exactly like what you cheekily wrote. It was the story behind the snippet that I didn't know, and girl... props to you for going with your intuition. I also have one child and I know what it's like to constantly question if I'm making the right decisions. You're navigating your own road. I'm here on mine. Rather than assume, I'm following your feed because I like your snippets. There's something I see in your story that speaks to me. That's the only reason I click that follow button (for you and for everyone else I follow).
There is so much to explore in this conversation. I'm so glad you've opened it up and look forward to hearing what everyone else has to contribute!
Hope your day is a good one. xo
Finally someone said out loud what we are all thinking on the other side of our screens. Thank you thank you thank you for your humble honesty here. My small circle of girlfriends and I have had similar discussions about the Facebook phenomenon of knowing truly unhappy people personally whose posts are a total fabrication of happiness created for the world. It saddens us and reminds us to think carefully about our own posts and how they may be perceived and what our true motivations are for posting in the first place.
On the other hand, I have learned that I cannot be held hostage by other people's insecurities and my fear of being misunderstood. I know I am trying my best to be authentic and to be a genuine encourager of others by sharing little moments of my life with the world. I rely on the belief that what you put out in the world comes back to you and I find that to be true. My blog readers and my social media circles have so blessed me and uplifted me and I would hate to miss out on those connections because I was afraid to be vulnerable. As Brene Brown says - I am daring greatly and I think we moms of the Instagramming generation are daring beautifully so far. You are a daily inspiration to me Liz. Your story matters.
i love the way you approach things with such a kind and gentle sensibility, liz. thank you for sharing these tip and insights with such heart. i so appreciate it!
What a thoughtful post Liz - I've been having these thoughts too and know several people who only put their positive side forward, the artist side that we want to sell to the world if we're lucky enough to be carving out a living that way. But I find myself getting caught up in the torture of "they're doing such and such so I should be doing it too" - "they have loads of gigs, why don't I?" As you pointed out so rightly, feeling 'not enough' . I'm also so happy that you brought up the point of people perceiving that you're making a fortune because your workshop has sold out - I used to regularly send out email newsletters about my tours and recording projects until I received some really 'off' emails from one person ... to my regret I haven't sent anything out for over a year now and am really struggling with allowing myself to be successful. so I am so grateful to read your post and realise that we all have these hurdles, and to acknowledge that we need the support of like minded people to help us on the days when we're feeling less able to be the wonderfully strong business minded creatives that we really are :)
I think Facebook is way too easy to "live" an "airbrushed" and inauthentic life online. It's also way too easy to "vent" and to air things best left private. It's as important that we fill our minds with good things as it is that we share encouragement and good with others. Thank you, Liz, for your thoughtful and caring approach to this difficult subject. Thank you for opening up the dialogue. As with all tools, Facebook and other social media can be used for good or for ill. May the one pouring out their soul seeking help find it from one whose heart relates. May those sharing their joy find friends who are willing to share in their joy with them. May those whose hearts are burdened with sorrow find others willing to share their sorrow with them, along with a listening ear. We all share pain and we all share sorrow in common. We are also all granted joys and delights, and It will take a discerning eye, ear, and heart to navigate successfully in this swirling, "instant everything" life we all now live in. The "good" will come as we each learn how to compassionately share in this oftentimes raw, explosive, veiled as well as unveiled, medium from those willing to "measure" their words. The Bible tells us the tongue is very small, yet it kindles a huge fire. Written words are the tongue expressing itself and we all need to use care and compassion when expressing ourselves. Sometimes, the best question to ask ourselves is, "Would I be comfortable saying this out loud in this way to everyone I know?" Sometimes it's just too easy to think we are writing alone, by ourselves, expressing ourselves, "getting it out there," when the fact is that we are "venting" or "being puffed up" about ourselves and we need to take the time before we "click" to measure within ourselves the "what and why" of what we've written. It will take the same care and "measuring" as we read others' writings and choose whether or not we will internalize all, some, or none of it.
I'm a little hesitant to reply, being that I might be alone in my own thoughts around this. But it is something that has crossed my mind so much lately. I love and respect you so much Liz and the thoughtful way you bring deep conversations to the table. For me, it always comes back to the self. I really feel, that I have 100% responsibility only to my story and my sharing. That doesn't mean that I dont' work in community, or feel I am a respectful and kind person. But, as good boundary practicing, for myself and others, I try very hard not to assume how someone might take what I say or do or choose to share. Whenever I do that, it doesn't feel as real as an expression that belongs to me. It feels too much like hiding my joy, which has been an incredible practice for me to overcome most of my life. Always told I was too much this or that for people. Too much enthusiasm, too much happy. One of the ways I can live in my own space of joy, is to document it. When we create a space, public or otherwise, it is a choice for anyone to enter into it. I can only be responsible for my own feelings (this includes personal choices about generosity, integrity, kindness etc). Having faith that someone else is fully capable of taking care of their own as well. Sure, we have some nutty days and stressful times, but it's in finding and noticing my joyful crazy celebratory moments that I remember all that stuff really doesn't have to be true (a la Byron Katie). I think it's perfectly wonderful to celebrate success and be overjoyed by them. And I think it's perfectly fine that we don't have to know the whole story. I know everyone has hard and shitty times like me. I love to see when they find the rainbows and dance wildly beneath them. It inspires me to do the same. With much love. Latisha
I only post photos when my kids are doing something cute or are looking good. That is the only time I think to get my camera out. I also don't feel the need to document them crying, whining or just being a pain in the butt. So you can assume that if I haven't posted a photo in 27 days that is because I haven't taken a cute picture in 27 days! One of my favorite things to do is to look back at all the pictures I have posted. Its a little like childbirth. I want to remember the good times and the good parts. Don't need to relive the horror. When I look at my friends pictures of their life I assume the same. I know everyone has hard times, eats unhealthy food, has a bad hair day, looks fat in a photo, has a major parenting fail, ect ...ect.... Even if that is not what they show on Facebook or instagram. And I hope people know the same is true for me.
a great topic for discussion. i notice that i tend to want to censure the bad stuff out because i don't want to be negative but refrain from diving into the good because i don't want to be a Pollyanna. i've been sharing less often online but sometimes i get on and feel so out of touch.
Such an interesting discussion here! One of the reasons I quit blogging was that it felt so stilted. I would try to skirt some subjects because knew my extended family was reading the blog, and I didn't want to deal with the possible blowback. Not a satisfying experience in the end.
Somehow it's been easier to be myself on Facebook. Maybe it's my age - most of my friends are middle-aged and we haven't lived our lives quite as publicly as our younger friends. We've lived through some rough times and recognize that life is often a messy thing. Some of our peers are already gone, and to be honest, it keeps things in perspective. We are not compelled to post photos of magnificent dinners or fabulous vacations - that's not our expectation of reality. We post things that make us smile, occasional photos of our kids, and pass along news (deaths, weddings, graduations). I tend to stick to the positive - nobody wants to read about my existential angst. I'm happy that folks have a forum for the trite and their cause of the moment, but it's okay if we scroll over that stuff in our feed. My role on FB is to cheer on my friends, share truthful things that might help someone else, and ignore the rest.
I was following a link from The Glitterhood and it brought me to your blog. This is the first post I've read and I want to say that I can so appreciate what you feel.
As the mother of three children with differing health, mental and emotional challenges, I struggle daily with what I should and should not post. Because of that I've not posted very much of my personal life at all, as I am always fearful of coming across as boasting ....or on the bad days as whiny and ungrateful. (Most people that only casually know our family, don't even SEE or know of my children's individual challenges.) Instead I have kept my blog and my facebook posts centered around my adventures at my art desk with my paints and inks...or happy little posts about short excursions, etc. I've written those OTHER posts a hundred times in my head, but never on paper or in a post, but just the "thinking" them in itself has been a catharsis.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts in this post. It was just what I needed. Looking forward to reading more!
I just recently started following your feed both here and on Instagram (and have started thumbing through your book). Thank you so much for writing this, for trying to have this conversation. It's one I've been interested in for the last couple of years, but which I haven't been able to find anyone else ready to have it. I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts!
I read this post last week and I've been thinking about it ever since. Thank you for putting into words the things that many of us are experiencing. Lately, I've felt a bit paralyzed by social media - wondering what to post, how much to post, when to post. I never used to feel this way, but ever since having my daughter, I am much more protective of what I share and how I share it. I want to tell my story and I love reading other people's stories. I will probably be returning to this post regularly. So many beautiful bits of wisdom here. xoxo