i practice...
Around here, even though fall is still days away, the end of summer comes when Jon returns to school. This year, I am yearning for a schedule that this transition can bring while being gentle with myself as I realize that having a growing, inquisitive one year old means that a schedule will be hard to uncover most days. And I deeply get that this is part of what being a mama to a one year old is all about. At the same time, I remind myself that our day to day is a bit different from most people I know as her three times a day medication and other needs still rule our world over here.
This time last year, almost every day I would take Ellie Jane outside for just a few minutes and show her the birds in the trees and the lavender and the maples leaves falling to the ground, and we would watch Millie run around the yard. We were singing "Beauty in the World" out loud at least ten times every day, and my own deeper understanding of the need to seek beauty and joy in the midst of all that life hands you began. I was standing tall inside hope and bravery and fear as we were counting down the days until her open-heart surgery. I remember saying variations of this to her over and over: Your only job is to live. Just be right here and breathe deep and eat and keep being you because there is so much for you to do and see and know. The world is waiting for you.
And today, as I watch her run around the yard finding leaves and little flowers and rocks, I believe that she heard me. I believe that she heard me when she was on the ventilator and I told her that when she wakes up and her heart is healed, she will be able to live big in the world.
Part of my current practice is letting go of wanting to know what the day will bring. I take a breath and try to notice what I need while being aware of what Ellie Jane seems to need in a given moment. Until this summer, we were encouraged not to take her many places to avoid the possibility of her getting sick. And now that Jon is back to school, I am finding that I need to reprogram my mind in a way with a new understanding of what my days alone with Ellie can look like. Meaning, for months, the only outings she and I would take were to the cardiologist's and pediatrician's offices. I didn't take her to the store or the park or for walks along Puget Sound because we just worried so much about her getting sick. My heart hurts a bit thinking about all that we did not do and all that she has been through (that we have been through).
Last week, as she napped, I was feeling overwhelmed. I sat there on the couch and closed my eyes and found my breath. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. Feel the space the breath creates. As I took a few moments to just be still, I reminded myself of all that I already know. I reminded myself that we walked through this time last year and the weeks that followed, so oh my goodness get out of the house girl and walk through these days too. These days that are full of laughter and joyful games and exploring all that awaits. These days that are full of so much more than I even thought they could be. These days that push me to beyond tired and remind me of what is real. These days that I want to look back on and say: We found our way. We napped. We explored. We danced. We laughed. We cried. We made it. We lived big.
So we are starting here: We are walking to the neighborhood coffee shop that is so much closer to home than I realized. Here Ellie Jane can have a strawberry smoothie with whipped cream yes please, and on this walk, she can say hi to people we pass and the birds she sees and the squirrels who run across our path. And I can take my camera to capture the small moments that are just outside our door, so that I will always remember how I chose to find beauty again and again and again.
life with EJ in mama journey, real
Reader Comments (15)
my heart is doing cartwheels and squeeling with delight.
wow! this is so powerful and wonderfully real and honest. i'm so happy to have found your space on the net as I visit often. our situations are so different but i see similarities in your words and feelings as we go through this journey of mamahood. thank you so much for sharing!
liz you are such a warrior mama. so brave for your baby. you are a wonderful mom.
so enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing.
a beautiful post, Liz---I can picture you all on your daily adventures!!! xo
Oh Liz,
I know those days...know them well.....
and how i had someone like YOU to go to...there on your blog...to find light and peace.
Thank you for sharing again, your beautiful images and words that evoke such stories...such human beauty and resilience and love.
You are loved.
Thank you for reminding me to breathe today and be still.
Beautiful honesty and reminders! Maybe a schedule is not possible, but maybe you could have a list of things you want each week or day to hold that will help keep you mindful. In all of it, don't forget to take care of yourself!
Such an honest view of where you've been and what there is to come.
It reminds me to (in this very messy moment of my life) to breathe in. And out.
To reground and know that with the experience I have tucked into my pockets, I can soldier onward.
:)
oh, awesome. It is so amazing how far a little walk can take us, no matter what the age, what the need.
hope she sees lots of beauty. :)
i appreciate the way you share your thoughts and experiences with such honesty. and i am so happy for you and your family that you made it through some very tough and trying times.
Thank you Liz, for such a beautiful post. And thank you for always reminding me to slow down and to live in each moment. Especially with my kids. I have learned so much by visiting your space. I have learned to listen, I have learned to just be. And most importantly, I have learned to breathe. You're a fantastic mama, and I am so grateful for this space I can visit every day. Thank you.
Oh Liz! You all have come such a long, long way. And there is SO much more ahead :) I miss you. I'm calling today to make plans :) xx, deb
I didn't know the part of your story about Ellie Jane being sick and having surgery. I'm so sorry for all of you! I can't imagine how you got through that...although I know that the first step is to breathe. So great that, even though you're in transition, you can look back and see how far you've come. Wishing you and your family all the best. xox, k
hi liz, first of all, yum to the cupcake! secondly, i received my beautiful necklace from you today & i was so overwhelmed w/gratitude. i will relate to you the story behind my choosing "surrender" another time (if that's ok). for now, thank you so much for creating such a beautiful piece for me. lastly, this post is so real, honest & true! i haven't read something so authentic in a long time. i am not a mother but have been touched by 2 friends who have had children w/heart problems & i can understand what you've gone through & how far you've come as mother & as a family. ellie jane is a strong girl & i feel confident that she will continue to grow & thrive. and you will w/her, of this i am sure of too. :) deep peace to you all & much love, alane
we all must grow roots first, then the branches and leaves. roots so we are grounded and strong, to withstand the storms.....branches and leaves when we are ready to reach out and soak it all in. you've done what you needed to do for yourself and your little one with the strength that shows your roots are deep. enjoy....