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Bowls of heart pocket talismans have been gathering in the studio filled with the words and phrases kindred spirits are holding close this year. What is your word? You can find the talismans right here.
How are you? Really. How. are. you?
(Let it out. You might even want to speak your truth in the comments of this post today. I'll catch your words over here from this place of loving silence. Yes.)
you are not alone in breathe.
Reader Comments (8)
Having a tough day today - feeling depressed about some challenges in my life. I've been practicing acting with more courage, and yet sometimes it feels like I still have so far to go, and I'm so tired of feeling scared. One of my friends told me a couple of days ago that he's seen me grow a great deal in the past few months, and while I agree with him, and am thankful for it, I struggle with how hard it feels. Thanks for listening.
Feeling shaken. I had a date last night that went in a direction that could have been very dangerous, had I not had my wits about me.
Feeling overwhelmed. Past 2 weeks I have heard some terrible news about an old friends 3 year old as well as my best friends troubles. My other half was laid off and we are not connecting, mostly fighting or not talking at all. Also feel under appreciated for being the only one who works and still managing to make sure everyone is happy and take care of, except no seems to reciprocate. I've tried to communicate my feelings and just seem to get shut out and shut down. Don't know where to go from here. Feeling lost and overwhelmed.
I had proof of the quote this past weekend. I was at an Al-Anon retreat for women, and a woman wanted to talk to me about her relationship with her new boyfriend. She's recently gotten divorced and wanted to know things like, "Is this moving too quickly?" "He has good relationships with old girlfriends and that bothers me." I just listened to her for about 7 minutes. When she asked what I thought, I told her she had already answered all of her questions and to go with her gut. This woman is a psychologist.
I have a complicated relationship with my youngest sister. My oldest sister passed away when I was 19, and her daughter was 3, so my parents raised her. She has called me "the mother of [her] soul", the one whom she feels taught her more about being a caring individual than my mother. They butt heads a LOT when she was growing up and I was always the one in between, translating what each meant when something was said. When she was pregnant I had a stroke (at 43!), and she had trouble dealing with her emotions so after a small, but troubling disagreement, she called me and tore strips off me, shouting and being cruel, cutting below the belt fighting. Twice! After all was said and done, we did get closer, especially when she wrote off my mother. For two years we have been closer, talking daily by phone or text, plus going into town to her place, sometimes to watch her son while she worked from home. She rarely comes to my home.
The day of her birthday, she was working so I sent her a text, figuring we'd talk later. The day after her mil had been going to have dinner for her, but cancelled because she was too tired. She has fibromyalgia and had been dealing with her fil's funeral and getting her mil into a senior facility. I also have fibromyalgia, had the stroke, and had cut a trip short because I was quite ill. I ended up with a cold, an abscessed tooth, and a thrush infection. I wasn't eating solid food, had been sent to the ER by my dentist for antibiotics, and slept all the time. She was in need of groceries so we drove into town and took her the items she needed, I slept all the way there and all the way back. When the dinner was canceled, I was ok with it, too sick to really go anyway. She suggested going to her place, splitting Chinese food and playing games. I just wasn't well enough! Couldn't have eaten anything anyway! And we couldn't afford it, as embarrassing as that is to say. We are both on disability and are on a fixed income.
That night I dreamed of my university friends who no longer speak to me, feeling like a horrible person, selfish and self-centred. I sent my sister, whose son calls me "Nanna" and my fiancé, "Poppy", a text, asking if I was a horrible person? Did I deserve their abandonment?
It was the perfect storm I guess because she called me and tore strips off me. She said she did so much for other people and no one in the family acknowledged her birthday, I hate her husband (he doesn't talk to us if we're there when he gets home), she put her life and risked her baby's life to visit me in the hospital, we have been invited quite often for dinner but never go, that you can only give excuses no matter the reason behind them until people start thinking of you differently, it takes too much out of her son's schedule if she comes all the way out to our place, and even saying that the relationship between us for "the last two years has been a lie as [she] suspected." I did counter with the fact that she'd torn strips off me twice while in the hospital, if she pulled out the martyr card then I should be free to call her on her behaviour at that time! She accused me of holding a grudge but I'm not.
It has been about a month since then and I just don't want to let go of that relationship but I don't want the stress of wondering if I'm going to need her, and she needs me at the same time, will she tear strips off me again? I miss her and her son but she's so in your face, I need time I guess. I'm also planning my wedding for next year and she had been like a military general before but has no interest in it at all now. She wouldn't be one of my bridesmaids because her husband reminded her how stressed she got and how expensive it was, and they can't afford it. I couldn't afford to be her bridesmaid but did it. I was a bridesmaid in her mother's wedding too but my sister won't be my bridesmaid?! Wtf?! Of course it was her husband who reminded her. It was ok when she was a bridesmaid for his cousin, but not her own damn sister?!
God, I keep wondering if I really want that in my life. I'm a writer and stopped writing because she said no one would read it, even her husband said he wouldn't read it! Why would she do that? I don't need to rush this, it will all work itself out. Thank you for listening. I hadn't realized how twisted up I was about it all.
Thank you for offering this space. It's a little sad that I've found my way here, but I'm also grateful that someone out there recognizes this very serious problem in modern life. How little we are heard, how little we truly listen to each other, how rare it is to simply LISTEN without offering advice or platitudes. I mean, really, advice is just condescending when you think about it. The underlying message is: you can't figure this out on your own, so I'm going to tell you what to do. Or, worse, try to cheer you up which conveys the message that your feelings aren't OK to have.
I am particularly sensitive to not being listened to because I was raised in an abusive home where I was told it was all my fault and I have no right to be upset. Now, when I hear "friendly advice" I hear "it's your fault you're in pain and you have no right to complain about it." Intense!
Fortunately, I've got some fire in my belly. I know it's not my fault -- at least in my head (the heart and soul take longer). I also know I have the power to change some things, but not others. I know that it's OK for me to be upset about my situation and that even while I'm still not capable of making ALL the necessary changes right away, I'm still allowed to complain about the very difficult process of change...including the debilitating fears and depression that often create roadblocks. I'm ALLOWED to be sad, scared, and angry. I'm allowed to express those feelings. And I deserve to be heard!
Thank you, again.
Where do I begin... My boyfriend and I have been together over a year. And I love him more than anything. My parents divorced when I was 8, I have one of the worst step moms Ever and I had a horrible step dad. He's always been my rock. For a month or so now I feel like all he's doing is pushing me away and doesn't want me around anymore. Last night I was up till 4am. He went to bed at 1... I was crying and I just really wanted to hurt myself. I'd cut in the past and he'd been through it all with me. But last night it was 'I can't help that you feel like this', 'you need to stop freaking out and calm down', 'just get over it', and 'stop blowing up my phone'. And I kept telling him I needed him.. I felt all alone. I was by myself in the dark. I understand though, I mean it was late and he'd had a long day with relatives. But I needed him. He's my rock. And today he played a cruel joke on me. I hate drugs and smoking and alcohol. And he knows. My ex-step dad was an alcoholic, and druggie, and a smoker. He was there through all of that. And he's been really busy so I don't get to text him as often as I'd like to. And talking to him is my favorite part of the day. He texted me and then said he was smoking weed and I kept telling him I was disappointed and I didn't want to deal with that and on and on. I felt horrible. And it was just a joke. I'm here crying and he's laughing because I'm 'so easy to get'. I'm not looking to hear that I need to break Up with him. I'm not going to. I love him and I want to work everything out. He does drive me crazy but I do love him and it may not seem like it but he is amazing. I just... He makes me so mad sometimes.
I'm not sure if this will help, but it's worth a try.... my life is a bit of a mess I come from a abusive home in every way possible, verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually and yet defying all odds, I rose above the ashes and believed I had made myself successful in every way possible. I worked my way up the corporate ladder without a formal education married my high school sweetheart and best friend, raised two beautiful intelligent and academically driven daughters. In 2006 after over 20 years of service I lost my high paying position due to closure and have struggled financially ever since, in 2014 I was devastated to discover that my husband of 28 years had been cheating on me over the past eight years and my youngest daughter who is now 22 and in her final undergrad year and still living at home does not show appreciation or respect for all I have sacrificed and continue to sacrifice so that she can have a life that I was denied. I am lonely, sad and angry because I don't understand how or why my life seems to be falling backwards to a time and place that I was sure I had escaped and a cycle that I had broken forever. This can not be my destiny otherwise all my blood sweat and tears were for nothing....