because this is self-care... {march 25}
I was having a self-loathing sort of morning.
As I went through the pieces of the morning routine, I kept telling myself to shake it off but I couldn't find my way out.
The sort of morning where your to-do list goes from tapping on you to roaring in your ears, mind, stomach. And your toddler screams in your face and you respond with "I'm going to walk away from you now because that is hurting my ears and my feelings" and she follows you screaming and then suddenly just lifts up her arms and wants up but says, "Just don't hug me" even as she is wrapping her arms around your neck and you are wondering if walking away is the right thing because maybe it makes her feel abandoned and you feel so angry that it isn't easier to just trust what you know sometimes. And you aren't sure if there is enough money in the house checking account to cover the bills so you have to move things around a bit to make it work. And you've been awake for too long and the exhaustion hasn't let up since November and you thought it was going to and the disappointment that it hasn't leaves you in tears in the shower where you are finally alone.
One of those sorts of mornings.
So I stood in the shower until I ran out of hot water.
And the shock of the cold water had me saying, "Okay kid, what do you need?"
So I wrapped the towel around me and stood in front of the mirror and looked at my creased forehead and intensely furrowed eyebrows and said quietly to myself, "Soften."
And just as my face relaxed, I wondered why I let go of my long hair last year, so I shook my head and a piece of hair fell across my face and there she was: my pirate self. And I felt myself begin to relax into an almost smile as a bit of mischievousness twinkled for just a second or two.
I could hear Brene Brown saying something about how the wholehearted feel the same shame we all do, but then they replace it with gratitude. So I thought, "Okay, four things right now." And I tried but then found myself harumphing with an "I don't really think there is any joy here" sort of response, and I almost turned away from the mirror, but my feet stayed put and as my face turned back, I saw the truth resting in the circles and the hair across my face and the wrinkles appearing around my eyes and I couldn't stop myself from listing: hot water, my studio, this breath, those darn birds singing their hearts out.
Eye to eye, letting myself lean into the softness there. The compassion. The realness. The beauty.
I asked myself again, "Okay kid, what do you need?"
The answer came swiftly and loudly through me: PLAY
So I'm heading to the studio to let the blue sky shine in on me. And I'm going to turn up Mumford and Sons and maybe download fun. (because I really like those guys too) and find my way to play for a couple of hours.
Because I am trusting I know what I need.
Because I will be able to focus in on the other stuff with more openness and joy when my heart has been given some time to actually feel that joy for a bit.
Because this is self-care: Getting dirty in the realness of what daily life is and trusting it is okay to just feel all of it and then sifting through the resources you know until you find a handhold and then the next and you find your way out. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
***
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Reader Comments (15)
I can totally relate. The past 6 mOnths have been sheer hell: husband diagnosed wirh kidney cancer, surgery to remove his kidney, a diagnosis change for me which meant more serious health issues, a dog attack resulting in injury to my dog & husband, anothe surgery for my husband to repair the damage, husband's company shut down, major financial struggles & then just for extra fun, my laptop died last Friday on my b-day. Cannot afford to replace it.
I have had a few meltdowns in private, but keep moving forward. Like you, I keep looking for things to be grateful for. Sometimes life sucks. I remind myself that we are both still breathing & we have a happy & solid marriage. Beyond that, the rest is just noise.
I love your honesty--because of you and that question "what do you need"--I've been asking myself the same thing and giving myself permission to take care of me first. I only have myself and my husband to take care of at this point in my life--and I'm a tax season widow, so he's hardly here--and still I find myself caught up in the "shoulds" instead of the "coulds" and what makes me happy right now. I just asked myself "What do I need?" just before I read your post and my soul answered that I need to be outside working in my flower beds for a half an hour--moving the baby crocus bulbs that I dug up two days ago while weeding, to a safer spot where they can turn into beautiful big crocus--so I'm heading out into the sun and the soil to feed my soul. Thanks Liz, without your self care wisdom I'd probably be locked up inside myself spinning in circles. You are a blessing.
Thank you for this.
Simply amazing. You have founds words for things I have been feeling but haven't been able to say. I am in a relationship with man who has 3 kids and a far from easy to manage ex. In the wake of chaos and stress I can certainly related to those mornings of self loathing, frustration and lack of joy. And it's so easy to forget to ask yourself "ok kid, what do you need?". It's a question I am going to try to ask myself more often, and even further, actually grant myself the permission to pursue whatever answer I find to that question.
Thank you for your honesty, candidness and courage to share your story.
Liz, coming here to your blog has been a source of nurture - and through your sharing I've been learning to nurture myself. Reading what you've shared about your morning brought me tears. Bitter-sweet ones. Bitter that you, me or anyone else find themselves feeling joyless and sweet because we have ways to find out what we need and then go do that. Thank you for sharing the wholeness of you - it's beautiful. Looking forward to April 1!
YES
Thank you.
I'm having these kind of mornings that become one, two, three days. It's Spring Break over her, two weeks together the girls and I 24/7. And lices invited themselves in our heads (=exhaustion, paranoïa, anger), so we limited our contact with other people.
Thank you for the invitation of finding out what I need.
Yup. Been in a funk on and off for months and I know the troubles/opportunities aren't gonna end any time soon. Yet, the truth is: all we have is this very moment. It helps when we can breathe and listen to what we know deep down. I am so glad that you were able to listen to your self! Play play play!
Liz, favorite blogs come and go and change but it is posts like this that keep me coming back here over and over again. You let your readers really know you and help us to know ourselves. This post is where many women live and breathe. The past six months of my life have been some of the toughest I've lived through,but I am not sure I remembered to ask myself,"What do you need?" As I journal tonight, I will be writing that question and listening for the answer.
xoxoxoxoxo
Beautiful as Always!
I can't wait to read your book one day soon.
i totally relate...watched this is 40 this weekend (as it will be for me this summer) and found it so bittersweet. it finished and i found myself thinking, i should be so much more (fill in the blank) by now, by 40? then up creeps all that "stuff" that "not enoughness" the insecurities, you name it. so yes, although the sources may be different, i totally hear you and get where you're coming from. :) xx
Thank you!
AMEN!
I'm here via Pinterest and I'm so grateful to have found this post today. I needed it. Thank you.