the feelings, always the feelings.
a couple of years ago, i posted about a poem by sharon olds that made me exclaim "oh shit" right as i finished reading it. this "oh shit" had to do with the mirror the poet lifted in front of my life as i read her words.
i thought of this yesterday, as i sat in the mandolin cafe reading thunder and lightning
In all the years I was writing I had never imagined this response.
I learned I can't control people's reactions.
she was specifically talking about her ex-husband's reaction to her novel Banana Rose and how the book mirrored some of her own experiences, including their break-up. as the reader (and having read the book), i had my own assumptions about how he would react...about how "family" always reacts. but then goldberg writes that when he called her to tell her he had read it, his reaction surprised her and they had the best and deepest conversation they had had since the divorce. she writes:
I learned I can't control people's reactions. My job is to work with my writing and make it the best I can.
to this i nod and say yes yes (even as i stare at my notebook and cross something out worried that a member of my family might read it if i suddenly died and my notebooks were found and read and misunderstood).
but the way my mind was working in the moment i read those words had me jumping to another thought: i simply have to let people have their feelings.
there is a need inside me to protect the feelings of others. yes, i smile, this is what i tell myself. i want to protect them from the truth i want to share or from feeling bad because i need to set a boundary or from misunderstanding me. i twist and turn possibilities in my mind in this attempt to protect. how should i say this? how can i tell the truth? what will they think if i write that? what if i said, "what you just said deeply hurt me" or "what you said last summer was like a sucker punch"? what would happen if i just said "no"? the twisting and turning in my mind has begun to make me nauseated. it is as though i am at disney quest in chicago with my brother in the late nineties and we are inside that red spinning rollercoaster-like machine and i just want out.
here is the truth i so do not want to admit...to me...to you...to this white space in front of me. i convince myself that i am protecting people's feelings, when in reality i am simply afraid they won't like me. that they will reject me. that they will see me for who i really am. that they won't love me.
that is the simple and real and wide truth.
and this is indeed a lesson i have sifted through before, written about before. but this is another layer to the lesson. i don't see growth as part of a checklist. there is not space for, "oh good. glad i got that one over with. time to move onto the next one." each day, we learn another piece, perhaps repeating a lesson in a new way (or an old way). again, we fall into the hole in the sidewalk, but realize we know the way out.
for me, in this moment, taking a breath and simply inviting myself to let people have their feelings is another layer to this deep understanding that i am only in charge of my reaction. and i cannot stop others from having their reactions. it might be obvious, but that doesn't mean it is easy.
this is what i am focusing on right now: as do my best to i come from a place of truth and love as i walk in my life, i am only in charge of me.
it all is, again, another opportunity to step into the light.
to step into the light and see.
to then stand in the light and open my mind and heart to what i already know.
to stand in the light and be open to whatever will happen next.
take a breath
Reader Comments (15)
Liz, this post is amazing, and yes, yes, yes, YES I can so identify with this feeling and this need to control the reactions of others.
Love this. Thank you.
Liz, thanks for making me cry. The tears washed away the dust that was clouding my vision and now I can see clearly again. I needed that, 'cause sometimes it's good to cry...
There is a line in a Barenaked Ladies song that I love because it resonates for me. It says:
"If I hide myself where I go am I ever really there?"
It's a very big thing to be able to accept the truth of the moment as you experience it, to allow yourself to experience the feelings you feel and to be able to say with great love and compassion to yourself "It's okay. This is how I feel in this moment and it's okay."
There are times in our lives where we get wake up calls, when we are reminded that we need to stop messing around and honour who we are.
I learned a long time ago that people will love you as much as they can. The question is, does that make the glass half full or half empty? Ultimately, we're responsible for our own preceptions.
oh wow...
this is a big one...
and one i can completely relate with.
and your writing
is amazing...
you get your point across
so beautifully,
without clutter, without chaos...
xo
"i don't see growth as part of a checklist. there is not space for, 'oh good. glad i got that one over with. time to move onto the next one.'"
this is why i don't love therapy, there isn't a compartment for all the experiences that make up a life, i don't 'fix' like that.
i love you for putting yourself out there, saying what the truth is for you...you're the one that showed me the benefit of truth with honesty and love and it has proved to be, my right path.
much love. xx
Oh, my dear. Thank you for writing these words. I needed to hear them again, I needed to KNOW them again.
Nodding my head yes!!! And yes, we do need to learn these lessons, over and over and over again. My minister likens it to a musician practicing scales, or an athlete running drills. The lessons (and the changes that we make in our thinking and in our very being) can only become second nature when we practice, practice, practice. I have gotten peeved with myself that I haven't learned these lessons yet, but now I'm starting to understand that it takes practice to unlearn the falsehoods that I've embraced for a lifetime. I'm thinking of the path as a spiral: I come back around, again and again, but I climb a little higher each time. (I got to watch Natalie Goldberg in action a few years ago -- she rocks!)
:-) i love those 'holy shit' moments, uh huh.
and your three columns look fantastic, i can't wait until i can find the time to do mine ...
and your words, its funny because i am really good about letting other people have their feelings BUT the 'i can't control people's reactions' to my writing. thank you for that 'holy shit' moment, i needed that :-) xo
This is one of my favorite places on earth.
always so much to try and understand as we make our way on our paths, tripping over this and that and soaring over other things.
i do think understanding our own reactions and why & how we react as we do can help us have compassion to the way others react to what we do or feel.
your posts always make me stop and think... i love that, thank you.
xooxox
First, Canon Beach....cannot wait to see it live and in person in just a few months.
I'm in the middle of a renewal I think...new beginnings, new insight, new presence....I can only control myself and need to let what happens around me just BE. Happen. Live.
Thank you for making me see this even more clearly today...
xo
Liz, I just absolutely needed to read this post today. Thank you for sharing. Every word meant somethign to me. And the pic...oh, i need to see that place.
A fabulous post, indeed, dear Liz. *Thank you* for sharing your experience and insights. And for echoing what so many of struggle to realize about ourselves.
You are now, and always will be, loved and appreciated.
yes yes yes--- being in our truth, what if it means people won't like us? when we let go of that, and be as true as we are able, it's frabjous freedom, for sure!
loved this post, beautiful woman!!
Bisous, Elizabeth
You are so right...this is a worrisome challenge for me as well...left over from newspaper writing days when I analyzed each line to ensure it was 'agreeable' before going to press. I didn't want anyone to dislike what I wrote.
Now I find it difficult to reach the real honesty of my thoughts. But I find each time I remind myself that I must live my true nature - it becomes easier. I'm becoming more confident about myself at the same time.
I'm so glad I found your words, thoughts and images.