a moment today.
last week, i was talking with a friend about the idea of the energy people create when they are alive...and how that energy remains when they die. i said something about how when i think of you or suddenly feel you, it is as though that energy has circled the globe and found its way back to me. it finds its way back to me and replaces the phone call i would rather make...the phone call i cannot make. or the visit that would now include pulling up to an empty house since your husband now lives in an assisted-living nursing home and wants to stay there...and your house sits empty...though what is left of you sits on the mantle.
this week, this energy that circles the globe found its way back to me. you found your way.
yesterday, when i took millie outside in the middle of the day, i heard this most insistent noise. i thought it was a hummingbird, but i couldn't find it in the trees and honestly figured it must be an irritated bird of a much larger size as that chirping was...well...it was kind of rude and annoying and very, very loud.
today, there it was again. even louder. and clearly talking directly to me.
you haven't been feeding us. you promised her you would feed us. yet, nothing. all year. and now that it is fall, the neighbors aren't picking up your slack anymore. and we are hungry. and cold. keep up your end of the deal lady.
i looked up, shading my eyes from the glare of the noon sun through clouds. i looked up and saw it directly above me. sitting in the huge pine tree, like it often has. and it just kept chirping. looking down toward me and then looking away. a bit like millie does when she watches us eat dinner and hopes we will drop something.
so i went inside and dissolved sugar into warm water and then tore up this mess of a house looking for one of the two hummingbird feeders we have.
i couldn't find them. finally found parts of the one that was the last gift you gave me. remember? that february, right after traveler died, i started seeing hummingbirds. you insisted i start feeding them because the weather was still cold. so i found a local wild birds store and bought a feeder. and you sent me $25. remember? i started feeding them every week. and kept feeding them after you died a few weeks later. i would cry as i put the food out, but i would feed them because you asked me to. and then i would sit in the little room and watch them flit around the backyard. i would watch them and think of you and wish with all my being that i could pick up the phone and call you and hear your voice.
today, that energy of you...that focused, insistent energy that was you...found its way to me in the form of a fierce, tiny feathered hungry creature.
thanks for that.
and guess what? i made a quilt top today. can you believe it? my friend had a baby in the wee morning hours today and the baby was very early and i just felt that this new little boy, so eager to meet his parents, needed a quilt. so i started one. my first one ever. i thought of you when i finished sewing the squares for the top today...thought of you as i reminded myself i couldn't call.
oh and never fear, jonny bought me a new feeder on his way home from work so that my insistent backyard visitor can now eat.
it really was a good day.
love you and miss you my dear friend,
liz
on grieving (and healing)
Reader Comments (15)
oh liz....diamonds on the sole of her shoes, is playing - i am reading this and smiling.
you are a beautiful spirit girlie.
i am so blessed to have found you.
i think i am that hummingbird and you have been feeding me.
happy wednesday.
[i have quite a comical story from last nite, i will email you the crazy details.]
Liz,
Hugs to you today. I have been reading your blog for a while and am pretty sure this post is refering to your grandmother. I have read about your feelings on losing your grandmother and I can relate to them so clearly. It is as if you are writing for me about how I felt about losing mine. My family is not big on talking about grief and feelings but your posts have helped me so much in seeing it is ok to feel my grief. Thank you for being so open about yours.
liz the missing is the hardest part ~
the wishing you had asked so many more questions ~blessings
My grandmother used to show up in the form of red creatures, a ladybug or a cardinal.
But now I live in a house ringed with trees that the birds love, and there is a cardinal family that lives here with us.
What does that say?
Lovin your blog! Thanks for taking the time to stop by mine, and leave a nice comment!
Happy Fall!
Laurie~
Liz,
After reading this post today, I sat and cried my eyes out -- missing my mother (who died 15 years ago!), knowing that I couldn't pick up the phone and call, knowing that I would want to daily. Feeling lucky that I still have my daughter, but knowing that someday, she will be crying and missing me just as much. I truly hope I can come back to her in such a spiritual way.
Wonderful post! I'm very touched by your experience and the images you create as you tell the story. It warms my heart. Thank you for sharing.
Think I'll stop to get some bird seed on my way home tonight :-)
What a heartfelt post and I agree with you -- our energy remains even after we are gone and it comes to visit us in ways we never expect.
sweetie...
i read this riveted to the screen.
and wow
on the quilt frontier...
you are amazing.
xo
My eyes are welled up with tears- what a beautiful occurrence! I am waiting for my mother to touch me like that- I miss her so much! You post was very special to me Liz!
Thanks for sharing that. It was wonderful.
beautiful post, you have a wonderful spirit...xo
I could hear Tcahikovsky in the background, beautiful post. :)
What an amazing cycle/circle of life -- a hungry bird, a remembered dear one, a new baby. You honor it all, Liz. Happy quilting!
Oh Liz, I love this post. My grandparents died within a few months of each other: my grandmother last July and my grandfather only 3 months after moving in with my parents, died at the start of this year. As sad as we have all been, we've also been comforted by finches; their favorite birds.
I have a finch feeder and yellow and purple finches have found their way to me and I know they are filled with the spirit of my beloved grandparents. Their bright colors and tiny wings and hilarious nervous personalities make me laugh every day. My mom has seen them in so many places, including a bright yellow one that followed her through a parking lot!! Such a comfort, just as your post is. thank you.