this morning
I sought a cocoon of solace as I slid the rings across the bar and felt the warm water touch my skin.
The words rang out with a crackle.
Your problem is, you always want to talk about things and other people don't want to.
Words from long ago, but words that stay with a person.
For almost thirty years, I tried to package it all up in nice pretty bows so they didn't have to hear it. But, when people opened the packages, out would jump confusion, empty space, disconnection, trying to please, untruths, hurt, fakeness, and other images that were often not what I meant at all. And, I talked and talked and talked about the confusion with a few trusted souls, but I never really gave myself the space to change.
It was my body that finally got me to shut up and listen as it gave me a package full of my unsaid words in the form of a ping-pong ball size round cyst in my throat that lived in my body during the months of November and December last year.
The space it used to take up has become a barometer of sorts now that alerts me to a sudden tiptoeing back to past ways. And as those words rang out today, that space gave a little ba-boom, ba-boom and began to ache.
I reached up for my throat and sank to my knees as fine, whatever you want rang out in my head. In child's pose with the hot water beating on my back, I didn't sob but opened my eyes and watched the water dropping from my forehead. I heard Deb Talan's words and began to sing along with her in my mind…
Tell your story
Tell it, tell it
Tell your story
To anyone who'll listen
Tell your story
Don't stop talking
Just
Tell your story walking
I sang these words on repeat until my older-than-my-years knees reminded me to move. I stood and pressed my head against the cool wall and took several deep breaths. I called on my teachers, one by one, seeking.
Then, I heard their whispered chorus,
You are on your path.
My voice mingled with theirs as we said it again and again.
Until the water heater needed a break.
Until it was time for me to emerge.
it is what it is
Reader Comments (19)
yes. keep telling! i'm so proud of you.
xo
{amy @ loverlywings}
keep tellin' your story...i'll be one of those who will listen...
...thank you for reminding me to tell my own story, Liz...as always, you are an inspiration.
Oh Liz, you could be telling my story, too! My first instance of feeling silenced manifested itself in a tracheotomy when I was seven. Some 40+ years later, I'm still working on it, and I've been right where you were in that shower. Your story made me feel the sadness of understanding you, the relief of being understood, and heart-stabbing love for a fellow traveler. Keep telling your story in the loudest voice you can muster!!
Paula
Liz-
this is so beautifully written
This week I had some not so nice things come tumbling out-hurting those they tumbled on-feeling misunderstood frustrated and confused.
It is so hard to hold in for a long time.
You are on the path it seems...as your words show your wisdom and self awareness.
Go you!
Namaste
XOXO
Keep on talking & keep on typing...You have a wonderful gift of putting into words what alot of people feel, but don't know how to express...
well we just got off the phone and i popped over here to read this. you ARE telling your story and it is touching so many of us.
xoxo
proud to call you my friend.
xo
thank you. xoxo
your bravery and honesty is lovely and inspiring.
best wishes
amy
I've always believed the body will tell you when to slow down, how to take care of yourself, what it needs. The trick is listening. I'm so glad you listened and let the lesson come to you.
Your words are beautiful and your story inspiring.
It is amazing how our body will manifest the place where we emotionally reside ... yes, keep telling your story, this is YOUR narrative. Peace, dear Liz ... JP
I am here to listen. Your story is important.
WOW!!! I was right there with you! Only difference is, it's my shoulders that will Tell Me when I'm not Telling MY Story....the burden of carrying anything other than my story becomes heavy and I strain under the load.
What a beautiful and thoughtful post. What a joy to read, and an encouragement to find our own song and then sing it with all our hearts!
Namaste!
Your totally and beautifully unique path is a marvel Liz and I am so blessed to get to be a part of it and learn from it along the way. xo
thank you for sharing this post. i really enjoy your writing.
I love this picture...
I love your words...
Your soul is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it so openly.
xo... :)
BRought me to tears...silence can hurt us in so many ways...i too began telling and slowly feel like my wings are beginning to unfurl....Thank you for this post
http://wannamakeamemory.blogspot.com/
I know you wrote this awhile back, but I really relate to it. How to resolve to be myself when my world has trained me to be a tree who bends a little too much with the wind? The balance of strength and flexibility. . ah. . .at least that's what I have taken from this! Thanks for the inspiration. Perhaps I'll visit again soon.