heavy lifting
the moon rises over puget sound, 25 october 07
Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend about a situation in my life that I am having trouble letting go of. Although it happened several seasons ago, when I was in a different place on my path, I am having trouble moving past it and the confusion and pain it invited into my life. My friend said two things to me that keep resonating. The first was that maybe I didn't have to focus so much on letting go of it, which made me think that this experience still has much to teach me. The second was an echo of my own words back to me: my triggered feelings about this event are really about something else.
Today, in the middle of my shower, I had a need to sit on the floor and let the water beat down on my head, neck, back. After a few moments, I found myself chanting, "om namo bhagavate vasudevaya" – a chant that my teacher says turns the petals of your heart.
My chanting increased in volume and speed and I began to rock along with my voice's rhythm. I plugged my ears in an effort to stop all thought and just focused on the sounds vibrating around me.
I chanted until I thought of nothing else. I chanted until Millie stuck her nose around the shower curtain to check on me. I chanted until the water ran cold. I chanted until I felt my heart crack open.
And as I stood up, these are the words that poured into my mind:
I send compassion.
I send apologies.
I send gratitude.
I send compassion.
These are the words I will try to return to when my mind is pulled back to the feelings of confusion and hurt. These are the words I will remind myself to send out into the world.
And the truth is, this is the hard work. It is easier to just wallow in being misunderstood. It is easier to just think ill thoughts about others even when you know there was a reason you felt a connection with them in the first place. It is easier to pitch a tent inside the shit because often we refuse to notice that the shit smells. It is easier to blame instead of honoring that we all do the best we can. It is easier…
The hard part is admitting your need to apologize. The hard part is admitting you are grateful for the experience because now you know more about yourself than you did before. The hard part is admitting what you really feel. The hard part is realizing that you need to forgive yourself. The hard part is admitting...
This is why I call it doing the heavy lifting. This is why I say I will try to do it. This is why I force myself to remember that we are all doing the best we can.
(Deep breath.)
I am doing the best I can.
it is what it is
Reader Comments (16)
Hello...
First a comment about the photo. Not only is it lovely, but is that a whale in the left corner area - or a dolphin? I visited Puget Sound one time 2 Decembers ago..and fell in love with it.
Secondly, having gone through a very powerful 'letting go' stage myself this year, I honor and respect what you are doing so much. For myself it has been true that Letting Go is sometimes an event, and sometimes a process. And when it is completed - however we get to that place - it feels like a renewal on Life.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey.
such perfect forgivness-evoking words to start my day... and I believe that the deeper we understanding that we are all doing what we know how to do or "the best we can" the less there is to forgive. Ah yes... (big breath) heavy lifting.
Ah, the horror of being confronted with my own brittle ego. Again and again I have to back off and remind myself that I am only one of many; not always right, not even unique. Maybe I am afraid of being wrong. But in life I am required to sometimes be part of the problem.
I don't know what your issue is but that business above is about something that I have had to deal with (more than once) that forced my heart to open and heal.
Thanks for the reminder.xoxo
ah, yes, the heavy lifting moments... beautiful post, beautiful words, some things for all of us to remember.
powerful words. and story. you are finding your way thru it, my dear. yes. you. are.
i love you for this. thank you. xo
i will write more later. i just got back from i.u. and was blessed with the chance to hear the dalai lama speak. with my daughter who is my trusty companion. i can't tell you what this post means to me. i want to read it over a few more times to ingest it all.
peace....k
L~ I am awed by what you accomplished here and I just wish that I could hug you, because you could not be more right...this part is indeed the heavy lifting, and putting into a kind perspective like you have is not easy. It takes a kind, loving and open person to do that.
It IS so much easier to wallow, god do I know that. Perhaps we also need that time to think that we need to be angry/hurt/etc? to reach this other place of peace, compassion and gratitude? I am not sure, but I am sure that reframing it this way is much better for our hearts.
And I suspect, it will help you to trust a bit more in the future, because these types of situations with people who we once cared about not only weigh heavy on our hearts, they weigh heavy on our future relationships and our ability to trust ourselves in them.
Sending you warm hugs and love...
AMAZING picture of the beautiful moon and the sound.
xoxoxo
it sounds like you are doing a great job lifting the heaviness in your heart .... I hope that it feels lighter
hey liz...i always love it... when i'm guided to the exact thing that i need to hear. thank you for sharing this lesson so wonderfully...as "heavy" as it is...it won't get out of our face until we face it! aff sounds wonderful. love the pic of you and tracie!
first of all ~ that photo is absolutely divine :)
second, i am having some problems myself with an old situation that i am having trouble letting go ~ this was really good for me to read, i need to think on it some more ~ you are wonderful! xox
yes you are...
your heart is so beautiful...you are open hearted and willing to learn from your experiences...you are a woman becoming...and that's all anyone can ask of you...that's all you can ask of yourself...
Yes yes yes! And as Don Miguel Ruiz reminds us so eloquently in THE FOUR AGREEMENTS, your best will vary on any given day, but it is ALWAYS good enough. Blessings and hugs for sharing in this way.
thank you for sharing this. i needed to be reminded and i am inspired by you to start the work of forgiving, and blessing someone in particular.
thanks and blessings to you. x
Sorry, so much EASIER, not EACH!
Heavy lifting indeed - and so much each to block it, to try and forget about it, to 'put it behind us', to box it up. But that isn't the answer. Life is growth. You already know you did it the right way, but thank you for sharing your process and reminding us that the answers are already there, we just have to seek them. I'm going to print out your post as a reminder in my journal.