i might have been... {sunday scribblings}
I might have been someone who watched television for hours each night, keeping a distance from the reality of her life while zoning out into the “reality” of the lives of others. Someone who would, every now and then, glance at the theology and philosophy books on her bookshelves and remember a time when there was a hunger to learn. I might have been someone who thought it would be easier to let go of needing friends in a new place. I might have been someone who avoided mirrors because she did not want to notice her body, her face, her soul. I might have been someone who never told her husband the truth of her needs and wants and desires. Someone who always said “yes” when she meant “no” and “I’m okay” when she meant “I am drowning.” I might have been someone who jumped up whenever the phone rang because she knew someone would need her because someone always needs her to solve their problems. I might have been someone who forgot to let people know when she needs support. Someone who spent a lot of time giving and receiving mostly guilt. Someone who ached inside but chose to ignore the pain.
I might have been someone who forgot herself.
Someone who one day would look in the mirror and resent all that had happened in her life. Resent the life she didn’t choose. Someone who chose what seemed like an easier path and allowed herself to get caught up in all of the distractions that life in this time and in this place can offer. Someone who chose sleep over wide open eyes.
I might have been someone who was so weighed down by baggage that the little girl inside her went to sleep for so long she never woke up.
But something intervened and shifted everything.
In one uncontrollable moment, my heart was broken. The sadness this caused, the waves of grief and the wonder that I could feel such pain invited this little girl inside me to awaken. As I started noticing her, she started singing. She reminded me of dreams and desires and hopes and beliefs. She sang of possibility. And as I listened to her, I knew I had only one choice. To live in my life.
And I began to live in my life by healing my heart.
During the last year, I have begun to heal by finding the creative in my life and challenging myself. Painting and writing and chanting and teaching yoga and sewing. Long conversations with friends about “real” things in life and learning from one another. Being validated and reminded I am not alone in this blog world. Erasing the lines of safety I drew around myself for protection and jumping into new adventures.
This little girl who sings to me about truth and possibility has saved me. This little girl, who is really me.
I am someone who has realized that I choose in every single moment of my life. What to say, how to react, the next step, these are all choices I can make. And even though I do sometimes need to sleep in a bit, when I am a bit exhausted from it all, I know that living, truly living in my life is the only path for me.
(read more sunday scribblings here)
liz lamoreux
Reader Comments (27)
oh, liz! this is beautiful and honest and inspiring! how wonderful that you have made such movement - that your life is so authentic. it is reassuring, isn't it, to know that from pain comes renewal?
i hope you got the email i sent to your "tulip" address recently. i hope your back is much better. :)
this post of yours brought tears to my eyes. the person you describe as the person you might have been sounds painfully similar to who i am now. your writing makes me want to try to see if i can wake up the little girl inside of me. to try to be brave and erase even just a few of the lines of safety i have drawn. i really wish you were someone i could meeet for coffee tomorrow. you give so much comfort and healing through your writing. thank you for this.
Liz, this is so, so gorgeous. It gives me hope and faith and comfort and all of those things I'm always longing for. Thank you so much for choosing to live, for being such a firery and creative spirit, for producing beauty and art in a world that craves it. You are such a wonder! Thank you for living your life and thank you for allowing me to be a part of it. I am so much better for it.
I loved reading this.
Hurray for you, Liz!
I feel like this was me, too, until a few months ago. I'm taking small but certain steps in the right direction. Hopefully in a year, I'll feel as you do now.
Thanks for the inspiration you give every day.
I loved that who you might have been is a dark shadow; who you are is a woman who has stepped into the light.
You always inspire, Liz.
I have been reading your blog since we many of us started the Artists Way journey together...and I have seen you grow ever more into the person that you speak of--the one that wants to know herself, better herself, BE herself--fully alive and present in her days.
The transformation is really quite incredible and I am honored to be able to witness it through your words.
Liz--you remind me of a butterfly.
i so agree with jessie. you are such an inspiration. i participated this week in SS, thanks to you!
this is so beautiful. so glad that you have chosen to walk proudly on your path. your life illuminates and radiates for so many of us.
i found this so incredibly moving
brought tears to my eyes
yet so positive
Beautiful, touching post, Liz. What a journey! You inspire us all.
Truly living. . .
Everyday, I try to figure that out one more time. . .
WOW! (i wish I could make the letters bigger to show you how 'wow' I feel reading this!!) Oh sweet, sweet Liz - I am grateful every day that this world brought us together. You are a deep inspiration for me. You make me feel like it's okay to be as much of myself as I can be. Parts of that post resonated so deeply and parts frightened me - so obviously I am still on my way. I can't WAIT to sit down with you and giggle and talk again. Thanks for being in my life!!!! xoox
I agree with others--what a beautiful and honest post. I can't wait to read more of your blog!
PS--I just saw that you love the Weepies! Me too! I find it amazing when others have them listed because they're such a small band (that was local to Boston for a while). :)
I was cheering you all the time...(but have to admitt..a soft sot for dumb TV..sometimes..since I do not drink...) You are deserving of a bravo for living so aware...and a soft pillow to rest your head after each days vigilance. YEAH for YOU!!
Your strength, insight, and gentle soul shine through in this piece. What an open heart you have, Liz.
What beautiful, beautiful post... These words move me! And your writing here is just so open and real. And it flows.
Thank you for writing this, and sharing it with us. This journey you have, and ARE taking, is one so many of are traveling... The road to Self and Soul.
:)
i'm so glad you chose the path you chose because you inspire me daily!
straight to the heart, liz...as always..you are such an inspiration! hugs to you...
I think what you say here is so true...
we all have the choice to be asleep (life does have so many distractions) or awake...I do think once we open our eyes we are constantly reminded to stay awake and see the beauty.
I love your purses in the post below...great job!
I needed the reminder - and of course your blog title reminds me to "be present, be here". I need to visit more often :)
Did you manage to get your photos backed up?
dear liz, this is intimate and authentic. you write beautifully. i'm so glad for your little girl.
i am on a similiar path: happy to have become myself as i slip-slide here and there.
i will carve some time to read some of your past posts. i'm glad.
best wishes,
kj
When you have the chance if you haven't read Carl Dennis's "The God Who Loves You", you should. Your piece reminded me of it very, very much. It's a great piece.
beautiful
and true
and real...
good for you...
and yay for that little girl
:)