what do you want?
There are a lot of voices that whisper inside me. That is just the truth. But there is one that has been trying to spend a lot of time with me recently. It has been a soft voice lately, but I know it has been there for a long time, and it has, in the past, even been a loud, shouting voice. This voice says things like: “Who do you think you are?” “Why are you doing this?” “Do you really think anyone cares? About you? About what you are DOING? About who you are?” “Why can’t you just be quiet and leave others alone?” “You always want to talk about things and no one else does. Shut up.” “Stop whining.” “This is pathetic. Just stop. It will be easier if you just sit back down in your corner.”
There are lots of things that I can do to ignore this voice. I read, eat, watch television, go to a movie, listen to music, practice yoga, talk on the phone with a friend, talk and talk so I don’t have to hear it. But it just waits until I think I feel some balance. Then it begins again.
Over the last few weeks, the comments and emails I have received from you wonderful people who visit me in my world at this blog have simply overwhelmed me. You have invited me to honor who I am and how I share myself here. But just as I finish reading and feel those words start to fill up my heart, this whisper starts up again. “Who do you think you are? You can’t really believe that stuff.” And I recognize that may seem like I am not honoring what people have written, but that is not the case. This is not about the writer of the comment or email, it is about me. It is about how I cannot accept that the words are true.
I always thought my friends thought of me as “the bitch” of the group. I always wanted to do the right thing and not get in trouble. I would disagree with them. I had strong opinions about what was right and what was wrong. I was liberal and independent and wanted to be strong in a culture that kind of just wanted me to shut up and be like the rest of the girls. In grade school, I recited Helen Reddy’s “I Am Woman Hear Me Roar” for my oral interpretation. My freshmen year of high school, my speech teacher had me speak against the Equal Rights Amendment because he knew how alien this would be to me. I was so angry I could not vote for Bill Clinton in high school because I was worried he wasn’t going to win. I could be moody at times because I felt sadness and was troubled by things that were happening around me and in the world. I was confused by fakeness and would react with emotion when I was confused. Friends would keep things from me (like how a boy I had a crush on had asked one of them out on a date or that they all started smoking when I was vocally against smoking because my grandfather had died of lung cancer before I was born) because they were afraid of how I would react, “Liz is emotional.” I had similar experiences in college and beyond. And this made me feel scared that I didn’t really have any friends because no one really knew me or wanted to really know me.
There is a song by the Spin Doctors that was popular in high school called, I think, “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong.” One of my high school friends turned to me one evening and said, “Liz, I think this song is about you.” Do you know how that song starts? “Been a whole lot easier since the bitch left town.” Wow. That interaction greatly shaped my role in my group of friends in high school and to this day. Was I the bitch?
In my family, I often felt like the oldest person in the room because of my need to do the right thing or because I felt so deeply about things or because I wanted to talk about things or because I spent so much time worrying about everyone else. And this was different from how people in my family reacted to life, at least from my perspective at the time.
(This is where a disclaimer originally appeared. A place where I talked about how I am not pointing any fingers and I am not trying to invite anyone to feel bad. But really, I have to stop that. Sometimes my life feels like a disclaimer {my friend Heather is out there nodding somewhere} so I deleted it. Still, remember that this blog is about my perspective and not about someone else’s. My name is the one in the sidebar to the right.)
When I look in the mirror, I am afraid to be honest about the fact that I think some of that past stuff is shit. That I do not think I am a bitch. (Am I?) That I do not think I was wrong when I was vocal because I felt compassion for others or because my goal wasn’t to be a quiet “good” wife one day or because I was intelligent or because I was mad about something or confused…the list is endless.
Now there is a bit of a disconnect between my realization that I have spent so much time thinking about the feelings of others and not myself and that some of these others think of me as a self-centered person. This seems so confusing. And I wonder if some people read my blog and think, “This isn’t really her. I mean, she isn’t being honest about how she can be a bitch.” But as I look in the mirror, I think I just have to honor that I know my truth.
And your words, the community I have found here, a community where I do think people are real with one another, helps me see this. Do I believe this seems so “real” partly because I don’t have baggage yet with the people I have met through blogging? Perhaps. But what I think is that in this environment, many people (certainly not all, but the people I feel the deepest connections with) get right to the guts of things. The small talk isn’t needed. Whether this is on their blog, in an email conversation, over the phone. Instead, we just get right to it. The heavy lifting. The good stuff that is hard and painful and beautiful and true.
Last night, I turned off my computer earlier than usual and went to bed to read. I may be the last blogger to read the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, but I am finally reading it. I imagine there was a reason I waited until now. I am so swept up in it that I keep promising myself little things like, "just edit one more chapter, then you can read five pages." There is something wonderful about not reading on a computer screen because I do that all day long with my work and when I am out in blog world.
Gilbert's words prompted me to spend time in front of my mirror around midnight last night. I got up to go to the bathroom and then after I washed my hands, I leaned against the bathroom counter and had a meeting of the minds with myself.
What do you want?
The answer came right away. But then: You can’t really do that.
What do you want?
Same answer. Then, no, you don’t want that.
What do you really want?
Same answer. But, you said you wanted this and that, so you are kidding yourself again.
What do you want?
Same answer. This time I did not even pay attention to the voice, I just asked myself again.
And again and again and again, the same answer.
As I leaned into the mirror, I felt as though I had clarity about something that the negativity could not touch. Clarity that is not about some huge life changing thing exactly, but something I know to be true about my future and who I want to be. Something I have pretended to have clarity about in the past but always that knowledge seemed to succumb to that voice. And maybe it will again. But at least I see it for what it is now. Just a voice that wants to drag me to the past. The past I honor because it brought me to this place. But a past in which I do not live.
liz lamoreux
Reader Comments (26)
i love how the clarity moments are often about something so simple, something that has been tugging at us for awhile, waiting for itself to be born in our hearts and mind. then we get it. and the clarity comes. love this post, liz.
Liz,
I love this Post.It gets right to the heart of the truth and it so closely mirrors my inner life that we could be twins.
I truly enjoy your writing and the reflection prompts as it makes me do and see things that I often wouldn't face if not prompted.
Don't you just love that book.
Your post brings up so much for me, very similar things.
Melba had a post a day or so ago about how "real" friendships made through our blogs are; this was in response to people in her life that scoffed at such friendships being real. I usually just lurk over on her blog but it brought me out fighting because I have found more honesty and caring from this online sisterhood I'm finding than at any time in my day-to-day walk. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "The small talk isn’t needed....Instead, we just get right to it. The heavy lifting. The good stuff that is hard and painful and beautiful and true." No posturing.
Keep up the affirmations,Liz; send that inner voice packing. (And enjoy the book!)
You've written truth here, not just your own, but have given voice to something that is probably, sadly, universal. I was 30 before I asked myself, while vacuuming no less, what I wanted. And it took years for the answer to begin to form.
liz, i so appreciate your honesty. i also have strong opinions and can be experienced as forceful or judgemental sometimes. i've always felt sensitive or defensive about it.
these days i'm comfortable enough with myself that i don't struggle much with that discomfort anymore. but i try to ask myself, more and more, "is there a way i can honor my feelings and beliefs without being in-your-face about it to others?"
i posted a poem this week with lines that i am proud i believe
(finally):
over and over ask yourself, what is the lesson here?
because then you will always be a student and never a victim
best wishes,
kj
Well Hello Liz...I love these posts where I can comment to you out loud (so to say..). You know what Liz? - I totally know where you are with the whole "Was I/Am I a bitch" thing...and that constant self chatter - self doubt - self raking-over-the-coals is a familiar friend...I think your physical senses...and all of your perceptions have been overloaded in a way (at a young young age)that I, we, and they can not not know...this is where those CLICHE'S come in and things like "Walking a mile in someones moccasins" mean volumes...you were who you were Liz - you are who you are...and I bet that moody little can't be wrong girl was there for all of her friends when they were having melt downs over miniscule things as well??? You, my friend, were/are a thinker...you grew up in a home with an educator and an attorney...you were not validated for your gifts or strenghts (that's my assumptions)...you were growing up Liz...give that Child (the little girl named Liz) some slack...she was processing and dealing and playing by the rules...you didn't horse around enough most likely and serious was your tone...I think you were your worst punisher...I really think you were/ARE Japanese in a past life (LOL). You'll learn more Liz...life is cool like that...your willingness to dump it out and sort through it is so cool...your mind is expanding..very cool. I think opening your mind up the way you are is going to help you see things from the best perspective ever - and that is what you are doing - you are saying it..and that best perspective is...YOURS. You are the only one that counts Liz..only you - remember that..live for you first..the others (even me!) - we all live for ourselves first..then our others...right? Right!! Wow - I should have probably emailed this...but I like this sporadic thing..it's so cool. I am going to upload a funny picture onto my blog...stand by...LOL. I am very *Happy* to be your friend...Julia
Oh, Liz, your honesty and your capacity to articulate what's going on for you just blow me away. As I read, I was having response, response, response, and thought I'm going to have to leave a very long comment, but right at the very end, came what I want to share most with you. I picked out a Healing Card from Caroline Myss the other day, and liked what it said so much I wrote it down. It's sitting here at my computer, just sitting, and here is what it says:
"God gives you only the present, moment by moment.
How much of you precious day do you invest in the past? Everything from your pst except wisdom and love has long since served its purpose. Witness what calls to you from yesterday and why."
When friends call you a bitch for wanting to do the right thing? They feel threatened. When a little voice speaks doubts inside you? - A part of you knows you are growing and changing and is frightened. Say "There, there", and go on. You are doing wonderful things.
Comment ended up long anyway.
Namaste,
Imelda
Reading your post, Liz, I kept thinking, "She could be a member of our family." I'm sure if my sisters come here, they will notice the same thing. We are straight arrows. We were little girl feminists. And I know Suzie in particular always spoke up about doing the right thing.
I know that you know you are a powerful woman with a profound impact on the world. And there's also that other stuff - that voice.
I believe in the power of that answer that was ringing loud and clear for you. Next time that pest asks you "Who do you think you are?" Answer right back, "I'm Liz and I'm extraordinary!" We'll know it's true.
Thank you for this post Liz. I always appreciate your sincere words. "The past I honor because it brought me to this place. But a past in which I do not live." Beautifully written and something I'm always stuggling to live out in my own life.....those painful little voices can really take hold sometimes but I always have to remind myself that they are there to remind me who I am apart from them, who I will be because of them, and who I cherish most in my life in spite of them.
Much love to you beautiful girl. You are worthy of all of the kindness and love this world can give you.
How bizarre and strange it is that anyone could think you are a bitch! Maybe you have some crazy side I haven't seen yet, but I laughed when I read that. You are one of the most unbitchy people I know! Great post -- and by the way, it's been awesome to read about the effect mirror meditation is having for so many different women. Yay, you.
"What do you want?" That's a question I keep asking myself. The hard part isn't the answer; it's the fear shouting out, attempting to drown out the answer. I am struggling to fight against this fear and simply live, going after what I want. Thanks for sharing so much and being so vulnerable.
By the way, I still have not read 'Eat, Pray, Love'. I feel out of the loop. Just watch, a year from now I'll be raving about it on my blog...
Truly, I am the last blogger to read Eat Pray Love and haven't even started yet. I convinced my bookclub to read it for November!!
I love these posts dear girl, I have that Spin Doctors song in my head now. (=
oh, liz. i had absolutely no idea when i started blogging how i would feel so emotional for and about people i have never "really" met, but if i could i would just give you a big hug right now.
disclaimer: i had to read this post twice. i started this morning, got half-way through and felt my eyes tearing up so i had to come back to it.
witnessing you throughout different points of your journey is awe-inspiring. thank you for being so honest with us, so vulnerable - i hope you know how many lives you are changing, just by being YOU. what a light you are, a veritable beacon.
there is so much that spoke to me in this post - i see a lot of bloggers shy away from talking about the negative things that they might be experiencing, for fear that no-one will respond - but your strength in naming what makes you uncomfortable is beautiful.
i, for one, thank the universe for having people like you in it - people who know their own (wonderful) minds and who are unafraid to speak THEIR truths and hold THEIR ground.
so much to say....i'll email you...
thank you. ((hugs))
I want to open up and continue to grow as a woman...a writer...a mother...a lover...a teacher...a seeker. Your questions always seem to touch upon an inner truth for me. I think this process of breaking and mending is exactly as it should be. For me, it brings up the quote by Masahide, "Barn's burnt down...now I can see the moon." I'm trying to learn to see that for myself...
What an honest account - thank you for that. You have the strength to do whatever you want to - feel the power! It's there inside you!
Liz :: I am always so surprised when I hear that someone has the the same "chatter" going on that I do! Thank you for speaking your truth - it is beautiful.
Truth/Trust...with ourselves and others...we are all a work in progress.
You are helping me/us and I honor you and your truth...
but, most of all...I trust you Liz
i love u
xxxd
You are such a freakin cutie.
I adore you and your honesty-and your truth-and the little girl you describe and the woman you are.
I was thinking the other day about how bad I am sometimes at the chit chat-how I seem to always want to get to the nitty gritty-this is hard for some people I am sure.
I am glad the answer came up over and over despite the questions-the voice is getting weaker it seems and that makes me smile and feel proud of the amazing lady I can call my friend
You rock beautiful one-you really rock
This is such a beautiful post. I, too, have been known as the "bitch", the one who cries too much, the one who is too liberal and idealistic and who cares too much about others at times. Isn't it such a contradiction that one can be constantly thinking of others and masking one's own needs, yet their intensity and emotions can be mistaken as bitchiness? The longer I walk the path, I realize that I am none of the things others call me. I am Amy, and that is enough. My emotions, assertiveness and free-spiritedness can---and does---make others uncomfortable at times...but who else can I be?
Love to you, lovely one. Your journey is beautiful, and it is amazing to watch. Continue growing, and start asking for what you want.
hey sweet girl - I could RELATE to this! My friend Sean said to me once, "meghan you are not a bitch so stop acting like one!" It knocked me down. Apparently I was also a bitch for a long time. I think that sometimes being a bitch is a good thing - standing up for who and what you are needs some strength and some fire. But Liz - I did not know you then but I think I have a handle on who you are now and NO, sweetie, you are not a bitch!!!
I'm glad that you are getting to know what you want though. I love being on this path with you!!! xoox
wow.
i never would have dreamt
in a million years
that you had that perception
of yourself...
let alone that anyone else
would hold an image of you
being like that...
isn't that odd...
i was always terrified
of being called a bitch.
to this day,
i cannot "take the power
of the word back"
i cannot make light of it,
i cannot take being called
one a joke...
i love your honesty.
and i am afraid you are
not the last blogger to read
eat, pray, love...
sigh.
Wow. This is such a gorgeous post.
But what I think is that in this environment, many people (certainly not all, but the people I feel the deepest connections with) get right to the guts of things. The small talk isn’t needed. Whether this is on their blog, in an email conversation, over the phone. Instead, we just get right to it. The heavy lifting. The good stuff that is hard and painful and beautiful and true.
Right on. You've nailed on the head why I love blogging. And you are not the bitch, my dear. Not even close.
As the 23rd commentor, I find it hard to know what to say that stands out on its own. But the thing is that I'm not sure that it really needs to because it is something that I know I'm not the only one that thinks it.
Liz, you are amazing.
Yes, I'll say it again.
You. Are. Amazing.
Thank you for being so completely you. That's all.
;)
WOW, just found your blog through a friend's and absolutely connected to this entry. Thanks for sharing. About a month ago, I wrote on my blog about a similar "voice" in my own life that I often listen to rather than my own truth that lies deep within the wise part of me. It's so crippling to hear and believe those negative voices of the past, but they're also worth facing to learn more about ourselves. Anyway, thanks.... I'm gonna start following your blog.... very inspirational and real.
I don't think I have anything to add to the discussion, but I had to tell you that I found this post incredibly thoughtprovoking...no, better than that, soul-provoking. I need to digest the feast of fat things you just placed before me.
Wow.