quiet thoughts
it feels quiet today. one of those mornings when i had the thought, "oh, i will call grandma and tell her that." then almost immediately the mind and heart realize together with a punch in the gut that i cannot. i hate this. i don't hate much, but i hate that moment when i realize. the tears tap on the back of my eyeballs as the rain drips outside the sliding glass door. my nose congestion begins in anticipation of tears that do not fall. a pile of books seems to sit on my chest and as i take a breath they slide off but then stack up again as i exhale.
the thought that prompted this was my excitement about my new sewing machine. i am excited and overwhelmed by this new beast that sits on my dining room table (an early birthday gift from jon's parents - i am blessed). the last time i set up thread and bobbins and needles in a sewing machine was almost 20 years ago when i as in 4-H for a summer. i am sure i will figure it out this weekend, but my heart wishes my mom or jon's mom or my grandma or my great-grandma would knock on the door, right now, and say "hi honey, i am here to help you. let's make something." i just wanted to call my grandma and say, "wish you were here." indeed.
the seesaw of excitement to quiet feelings. back and forth. this is how it is.
i am excited to have had some creative energy surging through me. but i am not so sure i like anything i have created. though i try to own the fact that the only way i will find my way is to play and paint and glue and try new things.
i have ideas flowing, but i don't feel capable. i. know. i. am. yes, i know i am. but that doesn't mean that i know it in every moment. all the books i will write and the creations i will paint and glue and sew together and the booth i will have at the fremont sunday market full of all of my creations and the yoga workshops i will give and the and the and the....when will it all begin? when will it jump from my heart into the world?
it is a rainy day. the kind of day when i want to just go shopping and find something wondrous. i need a dress for two weddings i have this summer. i wish i had someone i could call right now and say, "want to go shopping for a new dress...then have tea...then sit in the poetry section at barnes and noble and take turns reading poems out loud?" i wish you were here so we could do that. wish you were here.
the sewsaw of the mind and heart.
since you aren't here today, i am going to curl up and watch the movie chocolat, then read a few pages of may sarton's journal, then maybe turn up the indigo girls really, really loud and put more paint to a canvas. anything to balance the seesaw just a bit.
on grieving (and healing)
Reader Comments (19)
You not capable? Impossible.
Hope you enjoy your time, and create something you love.
I would love to go shopping, have tea and read poetry today with you....sad we live so far apart.
I am on the seesaw too.
I am making myself act on the surge of creative energy that is moving through me.
Hope you sing loudly as your hands stroke the canvas tonight.
Thinking of you.
Thea
girlfriend if i could only be there... i would love a shopping excursion, a cup of tea, and a adventure at b&n...*sigh*...i would love it
i often find myself asking the same questions you are. when..when..when... i feel like i have so much inside, so much to offer, so much that needs to get out, so much to spill all over the world and it just doesn't seem to happening...
The see saw rollercoaster bump road of missing the one we love. I hope one day the path will be easier to walk and you feel her spirit within your heart, to the point of holding her hand, side by side of you.
i would love to be there with you, to heal your "almost tears" with a warm hug.
about the dress...hmmmm, have you thought about asking Letha to custom design something for you?
just a thought.
love to you...be gentle with your lovely self.
xoxoxo,
boho
I wish it was me.....I'm good at shopping as you know, I'm also a big fan of tea and now poetry! Sigh....I guess it will have to wait. But like you, I wish I could reach out and make a call.
i read your writing very slowly tonight... sentence of yours sounded so delicate, quiet, sad, and yet somehow comforting to hear one's own thoughts expressed by another in some way. i hear what you are saying about the seesaw, i feel that and know it while reading your post. i hope you found some of that balance you were looking for. take care.
I think that is the very hardest part of losing someone you love - those moments when your heart forgets they're gone, just for a moment...just that second of thinking "oh, they'd love this, I have to tell..." and then the second is over and reality grabs you again and squeezes the breath from you.
It sucks, Liz Elayne, and I'm not sure those moments ever really go away, but I think they eventually get easier to bear.
I wish I was close enough for tea and shopping and poetry reading and sewing lessons. Sending you cyberhugs and good thoughts instead.
I know the feeling of wanting to pick up the phone to call and then remembering that she's not there. It really is like a punch in the gut. My heart is with you.
Wish we lived closer....I know your feelings so well! I would love to go out shopping for a dress and then for tea...sigh.
Thinking of you!xo
A sewing machine...what a wonderful gift!
Many creative bloggers write about not liking their creations and I am always so surprised.
Everything you have posted that you have created I have loved.
(Really I just went back to look!)
I push myself to post stuff I don't love because it gets it out there...no one has ever said to me..your art stinks...even though it is not all good. But I think just doing it...posting...putting my art/life energy out in to the world helps keeps the creative fires burning.
Keep trying...
Your Grandma was a treasure. I hear your loneliness and I feel it most days too. I am only an email away so "hi honey, i am here to help you. let's make something." I know all about sewing so whatever help I can give you this way - I´m up for it! Sorry we don´t live next door to each other.
i know that seesaw you sit on. in fact, if you look hard enough, you'll probably see me in the distance sitting on the other end of it.... sweetie, if i was close by you'd be begging me to leave you alone :-) as i love reading poetry in bookstores and having tea with my girlie friends (actually, can we have a glass of wine instead? :-)
love to you
Sx
i'm still in florida. just sat down for a bit to catch up on you. this post about grandma and grief and your sweet inner conversations, the seesaw, is so touching...
The best thing about the see-saw is when we've learned ways to nurture ourselves when we're in the 'down' seat...sounds like you're doing just that.
this opened my heart. sending you a big kiss...XXOO
I have sat on that seesaw MANY a time and been thrown off it many a time too. I'm reading this a day late it seems and glad you are having a wonderful day celebrating your hubbie's birthday together. I am sending you a hug and love and thoughts of a care package which I promise to send sooner rather than later! Will your booth be at Fremont this year??? I am trying to decide if I should drive my parents up there for the fair. Notsure yet (mainly because of my dad's health) but I'd love to see you there!
i wish i was there
or you were here
sigh.
and that is hard,
the excitement,
the sadness...
hugs
Liz, I am about 20 miles south of you, and I know how to sew (see recent blog)and am quite willing to offer assistance to any young woman reading May Sarton!
If you leave an email address at my site, I will not post it but will write you. Then, if you get stuck, you can send an email and I will do my best to help you out.