april 12
A year ago today, I lost one of my dearest friends. My grandmother. As the flowers bloom everywhere, as Spring reminds me that the circle of life continues, as I give myself the space to grieve and laugh and cry, as I wish with every fiber of my being that I could hold her hand, as I say with conviction that the pain is not any less, as I cannot believe that I have not talked to her in over a year, as I wish I could rewind and hear her laugh loudly, as I remember that through the grief her death invites me to experience I might be finding myself, I put the words I read at her funeral out into the world once again.
I had some time in the Atlanta Airport to write down a few things that mean Grandma to me. Grandma is:
the smell of Pond's Cold Cream, hummingbirds, walks around her yard as she points out what is growing and blooming, knee-high nylons rolled down around her ankles and cropped pants before they were back in style, cranberry juice, cherrios stuffed with peanut butter to make little tiny sandwiches, stubbornness, jumping on the bed, walks on the beach in the early morning so you could find the best shells, a book lover, always there when I need to laugh, cry and cry some more, chasing each other around the kitchen to put ice cubes down each other's shirts, beautiful, Spring, lily of the valley, forsythia, little notes in the mail, sugar cookies and date pinwheels, sloppy joes, trips to one price clothing, how she always remembers the littlest things you like-for me-warm socks, riding Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, when I call - Grandpa saying "I bet you want to talk to your Grandma" and then her voice saying "hello," sitting outside in the sun drinking pink lemonade, my oldest friend, crotchety at times but also honest, dependable, and silly and that sense of humor and indescribable strength, a safe haven, my mom saying "your Grandma is a bit of a stinker," so very smart, how proud she is of her children and grandchildren, gardening, the moments when her patience could be infinite - her children may not have seen this but her grandchildren did every now and then, cooking tips, relationship advice, how important the birthdays of others were to her, her amazing memory, her smile. A wife, mother, grandmother and friend. We all have our own memories and these are just a few I could let myself reflect on. I think something we all know is that with Grandma, what you see is what you get. She was always Real and didn't shy away from her convictions.
A Storyperson by Brian Andreas
Landscape of the Heart
It is still so new and all we see is the empty
space, but that is not how it is in the landscape of the heart.
There, there is no empty space and she still laughs
and grapples with ideas and plans
and nods wisely with each of us in turn.
We are proud to have known her.
We are proud to have called her friend.
Thank you Grandma.
Thank you for teaching me and for always, always being you.
Now Grandma, listen closely. Your husband wants you to know how much you are loved. By him, by your children, by your grandchildren, and your friends.
Peace to you my friend.
on grieving (and healing)
Reader Comments (28)
what a beautiful tribute to your friend.
This was gorgeous Liz, a beatiful and touching tribute to your best friend. I know she can see you and she's very proud.
xo
that was beautiful
and full of so much memory...
so personal...
so real.
hugs
:)
wonderful memories.
thank you for sharing with us
I'm crying with you. You've made me remember all the things I miss about my dear, dear Grandma like her smiling eyes, her threatening to discipline me with a wooden spoon (she never did), her crush on the policeman who lived next door. We're so blessed to have these women in our lives. Thank you for sharing your memories.
Liz,
This is beautiful.
You remembered all the little, tiny details that make up a life. I sit and reflect on the people in my life and it is easy to think of the details and helps me appreciate the moment I am in; to be present, to be here
You are teaching mindfullness with this post.
You are making your mark.
Much love -Melanie
I'm so sorry for your loss, but glad you have such wonderful memories of your grandmother.
Sending you big big hugs and feeling sad with you- but you are so lucky to have had such a briliant relationship with her. Thank you for sharing your memories! Hang in!
liz,
so many people have said it before me, but this post was extraordinary.
thank you for writing it. i feel sad and exhilarated all at once - that's what a great love, and transformation of that love, can do.
This post, like the first time I read about your grandma a few months ago, has me in tears. I wish high speed internet had the ability to deliver a hug from me to you. You will probably always miss your grandma...but she will always be right there, in your heart. She's probably watching over you right now. She's with you. I can feel it in your words.
She sounds amazing. And, even though I never met her, you make me miss her too.
Liz, whatt a beautiful way to remember your Grandma today. This is a truely beautiful piece of writing, I hope you print it out and keep it with your memories of her.
I will be thinking of you today, sending you support and friendship and healing. I know how tough these significant dates can be.
Take care of you today...go slow...
Thinking of you!!
The words that came to my mind and heart were the first words on the comments... Those are just such beautiful words of tribute for your Grandma. I feel honoured to have gotten to know about her through your post. Thank you.
beautiful liz...so beautiful and touching. you have incredible memories. i'll be keeping you in my heart today. grieve well my friend.
oh my friend...my eyes welled up with tears as i read this.
such lovely vivid memories. thank you for sharing them with us.
we are all circling around you and giving you a warm, warm hug.
be at peace in your grieving. we are here...
i couldn't actually read this whole post because I was tearing up and couldn't face what you were bringing up. I hear you. i HEAR you in your pain and your loss. I was that close to my grandpa. I lost him YEARS ago but I still miss him so deeply and think about him nearly every day. Let yourself grieve, my friend. I send you a big hug and a cup of tea - and love. xoxo
beautiful.....XXXOOO
her wings of love are hovering over you now...
Just beautiful. thanks so much for sharing this.
Beautiful remembrance. Know that i cradle you in a tender place. Peace to you.
thank you. all of you. thank you for reminding me again that i am not alone.
The first year is such a hard one. Your words about your grandmother are absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing them with us.
some of your memories are the same Grandmother memories I have....
like the smell of Pond's cold cream
stubborness
always there when I need to laugh, cry and cry some more
lily of the valley
always remembering the tinest things we like
Thank you for your words Liz. They touched my heartstrings...the ones that connect me to my grandmother!
Very nice Liz
I hope someone remembers me like that when I´m not around anymore. She sounds like an amazing woman!
Thank you for sharing your memories with us.
I'm thinking about you. xo